How to seduce a Big XII Fan is a "how-to" guide for all the ladies and fellas out there looking to land (land=sex) that special someone that is a fan of a Big XII school. What to say, what to wear, how to act... these topics and more will all be covered as we go school by school in this recurring series that will definitely lead to increased sales of "House Divided" license plate frames. So read each section carefully, follow the instructions, then lay back and enjoy your latest Big XII fan conquest.
Welcome to the second of twelve (you knew there would be 12 right?.. apologies for the redundancy) installments of How to Seduce a Big XII Fan. With this issue (yes, this is a magazine) I will give you non-Cowboys the tools you will need to seduce that Oklahoma State fan that has caught your erection eye.
Click the Jump to acquire the skills that will guarantee you getting this girl. (or for the ladiesy reading this, her male counterpart.)...(This hurts me as much as it hurts the rest of you Cowboys, but fair is fair)
Lay of the Land
Since it is helpful to have a good idea of where a potential mate is coming from, so you can better understand how to trick them, we will start with some background information.
Going into this I planned to tell you that the only tools you will need to land an Okie State fan were to be racially interchangeable (we like variety), to not require us to take a blood test, and to be extremely flexible (both morally and physically). But I asked around and found out that those are just the things I require and do not represent the fanbase as a whole. On the whole, Oklahoma State fans are defined by their massive inferiority complexes, their belief that a town consists of four bars, one "nice" restaurant, and a drive-thru convenience store, they would describe drinking beers while sitting on a tailgate in someone's driveway for 12 hours as a great night, and they are the only remaining non-ironic fans of Garth Brooks. If you meet a Cowboy fan that you wish to get to know better (sex better), simply stick to the advice below and you will be all over that piece of low-self esteem faster than Mike Gundy can ruin a promising quarterback's career and life.
What to Wear
Your attire is how you visually introduce yourself to a potential Big XII mate (at least the only visual part you can do anything about... you are stuck with that face of yours) and it is important to portray a look that the potential mate will find appealing.
A potential suitor that is sporting a Mo' Betta shirt will always score quick (and possibly quickly score (ugh)) points with an OSU fan. The Mo'Betta shirt has been a staple of Ok-State culture for 20 years and has definitely withstood fashion's test of time.
In the absence of a Mo'Betta "Cowboy/girl slayer", you can always substitute a wrestling singlet, or some clothing from a "big city" store like Gap or TJ Max will definitely blow some minds in Cowboy country.
Now that you have dressed the part, it is time to initiate some conversion. This can be the most intimidating part, but armed with these guaranteed winners you will be one step closer to less talking and more grunt-barking*.
*perfectly normal noise to make during sex says my therapist
The Oklahoma State fan typically dabbles in two main conversation themes, Oklahoma State athletics, and some variation of "Why does OU get all the state publicity?" Mix it up a little by using some of these lines guaranteed to get your soon-to-be-naked Cowboy/girl thinking less about OSU, and more about O-I'm-gonna-Sex-U.
- One for the fellas: "I'm a man, I'm 40.......inches"
- For the ladies: "Can I be your cowgirl for the night?.... maybe even your reverse cowgirl?"
- "I've got friends (point at crotch) in low places that are looking to chase your blues away...and you'll be OK."
- "I've shaved it into a handlebar mustache." *nod downward*
- "Big Country!" really emphasize the first syllable of Country...nevermind...that's gross.
- "Let's get outta here and go somewhere more exciting...like Enid."
- "Like Dexter Manley used to say....I put the S-E-X in Cowboy."
So you have followed my advice to the letter and are now ready to take your special Big XII fan out for a night on the town. Where you take them says a lot about you and the right choice can quickly lead to some inter-fanbase love (or even better..non-loving fornication).
If you are looking to take your Cowboy fan to a place completely foreign that will both excite, and put a little scare into them, why not try the 4rd floor of a building? Odds are they have never been that high off the ground and it will be an exhilarating experience (sex-hilerating sex-perience?). I should warn you that this approach carries with it a small risk of backfiring as your potential Poke-mate may curse you as a wizard and demand that you use your sorcery "elevator" to take them back to ground-level.
During the Deed
So you have succeeded in bedding your Big XII crush. Congratulations. However, don't go so overboard high-fiving yourself and grunt-barking (see above) that you screw things up at this late stage. You are still in the zone where you will want to play your cards just right in order to secure potential future encounters. (re: more sex) Follow this advice and your recent Big XII conquest (and probably their even hotter friends) will be blowing up your Boost Mobile for months to come.
Oklahoma State fans will usually assume that no one enjoys the sex with them as much as with their bigger, more publicized sex-rival. Use this low self-esteem, coupled with the tricks below, to ensure that they enjoy this Poke-ing (too easy).
- Have a huge bottle of Dep Extra Strong Gel next to the bed and apply it to your Cowboy/girl's hair when their side-spike gets tousled.
- As soon as you can tell that you are going to get past the soft petting and into some rough-ridin (gross), dramatically throw on some Oakley Blades.
- Let them know you plan to move slowly by saying, "Look, I am no Barry or Tatum, more of a Rashaun Woods or a Nathan Simmons."
- At the moment of climax, shoot a gun, any gun. OR
- At the moment of climax shout, "Heeerrrreee commmmeeeees Bullet."
- Once the act is complete, if your Cowboy/girl is laying there feeling like they weren't all they could be... reassure them that they don't need to worry about improving on their own because you are going to invest a bunch of money that will be earmarked to go to them once it has matured. Problem solved.
And there you go. Wasn't that fun? Just remember the key concepts here... Oklahoma State fans have very low self-esteem, love Garth Brooks, and live in a town that is what your town was in 1971. (Coming Soon... An Automatic Car Wash!!!) So stick to the flawless plan I have laid out above and you will be Ropin the Wind (horizontally) with your very own Cowboy Fan.
Up next: Kansas Fan.