How to seduce a Big XII Fan is a "how-to" guide for all the ladies and fellas out there looking to land (land=sex) that special someone that is a fan of a Big XII school. What to say, what to wear, how to act... these topics and more will all be covered as we go school by school in this recurring series that will definitely lead to increased sales of "House Divided" license plate frames. So read each section carefully, follow the instructions, then lay back and enjoy your latest Big XII fan conquest.
Welcome to the third of twelve (you knew there would be 12 right?.. apologies for the redundancy) installments of How to Seduce a Big XII Fan. With this issue (yes, this is a magazine) I will provide you with the tools you need to seduce a Kansas fan that has caught your eye (and gave you an eye-rection?).
Click the Jump to acquire the skills that will guarantee you getting this girl. (or for the ladiesy reading this, her male counterpart.)
Lay of the Land
Since it is helpful to have a good idea of where a potential mate is coming from, so you can better understand how to trick them, we will start with some background information.
The state of Kansas is the flattest, loneliest, and most homely part of the country. It annually wins the blah award for most vanilla meh-ness. When Hollywood scriptwriters want a character to be from a place that is completely nondescript, a place about which the viewer will have zero preconceived notions, they always make that character be from Kansas. In spite of this, KU fans, students, and alumni are some of the most cocky people you will ever meet. You may ask: "What makes a KU fan, in the middle of all this squalor, behave in such a manner?" The reason is that Lawrence is a decent (not great) town, and KU is a decent (not great) university, but when this slightly-above-averageness is contrasted against the rest of the state's bleakness that surrounds this not-terrible/not-spectacular college environment, they end up with a hyper-inflated sense of themselves and think it's justified to act like unashamed pricks. If you hope to score yourself some sweet Jayhawk love, you will have to see your way around this completely unwarranted behavior. So when they slap on their D&G sunglasses, sweep back their SEC haircut, and vomit out some completely baseless condescension, just remind yourself that they don't know any better.
What to Wear
Your attire is how you visually introduce yourself to a potential Big XII mate (at least the only visual part you can do anything about... you are stuck with that face of yours) and it is important to portray a look that the potential mate will find appealing.
While KU fans are douchy, they also live in Kansas and thus, are a little behind the times on what full blown douches are wearing. So wearing anything douchbags made popular 3 years ago will work fine. Affliction, Ed Hardy, Diesel, 7 jeans, basically anything from The Buckle will score some points with your soon-to-be-boned Jayhawk. Another route is to try to look like anyone on latfh.com. Or you could disguise yourself as a rolling hill, they will be so enamored with the non-flatness that they will promptly climb and plant a flag on you. (then you can plant your flag on them...or in them)
Now that you have dressed the part, it is time to initiate some conversion. This can be the most intimidating part, but armed with these guaranteed winners you will be one step closer to less talking and more grunt-barking*.
*perfectly normal noise to make during sex says my therapist
Most discussions among KU fans are intended to convince the other person that they didn't grow up on a farm, or just bitching that "Everyone thinks fucking Duke and North Carolina are the marquee basketball teams... ever heard of a guy named Naismith?" So try some of these lines and you will move past talking and head straight into Jay-humping (gross).
- For the Guys: "Rawk-Chalk-My-Cawk" (point at own crotch for emphasis)
- For the Ladies: "Rawk-Chalk-Your-Cawk" (point at his crotch for emphasis)\
- "Are you from L.A. or somewhere bigger than here?... You so look it."
- "I just plowed my wheat field...if you know what I mean."
- "I'm a fullback and I'm about to run it up the gut." (You can make up any football sounding term you want here... they will have no idea what you are saying and will just be amazed that you seem to understand the game. Monster Crotch Blitz!)
So you have followed my advice to the letter and are now ready to take your special Big XII fan out for a night on the town. Where you take them says a lot about you and the right choice can quickly lead to some inter-fanbase love (or even better..non-loving fornication).
Not being able to see the curvature of the earth in the distance will be disorienting to the Kansas fan, so get them all riled up by taking them somewhere hilly. A place where the horizon is less than 100 miles away. In their confused state you should easily be able to coerce them out of their Hot Topic skinny jeans. If you are unable to find a place that is hilly enough, and in Kansas it will be difficult, then you could always dress up your house/apartment/hotel/shelter to look like an Apple store. Both the trendy and the hipster alike are infatuated by the shiny glass and the neato gadgets that lie within an Apple store. Plus, they will be so distracted by the toy they are playing with, but will never buy, that the seduction pretty much takes care of itself at that point.
During the Deed
So you have succeeded in bedding your Big XII crush. Congratulations. However, don't go so overboard high-fiving yourself and grunt-barking (see above) that you screw things up at this late stage. You are still in the zone where you will want to play your cards just right in order to secure potential future encounters. (re: more sex) Follow this advice and your recent Big XII conquest (and probably their even hotter friends) will be blowing up your Boost Mobile for months to come.
Kansas fans will most likely assume that you are just happy to be along for the ride with them (because they are so Self-ish... get it?....like Bill Self... quit booing me), so try some of these tricks in the bedroom to keep them guessing, and ensuring that they won't see you as some kind of a Chenowith*.
- Stay awake! Try to not be put to sleep by the Kansas landscape streaming by the passenger window.
- If the act of sex causes their collar to flatten out, feel free to pop that thing right back up.
- Promise them that you are no Roy Williams... you will stick this thing out until they tell you to leave....not the other way around.
- At the moment of climax shout "Danny Manning would have been Michael Jordan if he had stayed healthy!"
- After the act, confirm your partners greatness in the only way they understand greatness....through comparison to something shitty. Tell them that they were way better than all your other lovers.. but that all your former lovers were over 80, or half goat, or dead, or from craigslist, or whatever other horrible partners you can think of. This will boost their self-esteem in the same way that it is boosted by their school being the one average spot in an otherwise bleak state.
*Chenowith - n- One that does not even come close to meeting expectations.
And there you have it. Did you have fun with your KU fan? I bet you did. You are welcome for all the advice that guaranteed you a night of Self-ish love making (I will keep beating this horse). Just make sure you remember that all Kansas fans think they are special, and are from a special school that is in a special town... don't key them in on the fact that no one outside of their state shares their opinion, keep boosting that already inflated self image, and take them somewhere with a slight elevation change, and you will be sure to end up between the sheets, Jay-humping the night away.
Up next: Texas Tech Fan.