How to seduce a Big XII Fan is a "how-to" guide for all the ladies and fellas out there looking to land (land=sex) that special someone that is a fan of a Big XII school. What to say, what to wear, how to act... these topics and more will all be covered as we go school by school in this recurring series that will definitely lead to increased sales of "House Divided" license plate frames. So read each section carefully, follow the instructions, then lay back and enjoy your latest Big XII fan conquest.
Welcome to the fourth of twelve (33% of the way there!) installments of "How to Seduce a Big XII Fan". With this issue (yes, this is a magazine) I will provide you with the tools you need to seduce a fan of the Texas Tech Red Raiders that has caught your eye (and gave you an eye-rection?).
Click the Jump to acquire the skills that will guarantee you getting these girls. (or for the ladiesy reading this, their male counterparts.)
Lay of the Land
Since it is helpful to have a good idea of where a potential mate is coming from, so you can better understand how to trick them, we will start with some background information.
We all know about the state of Texas. It's a lot like my penis in that it is big, you constantly hear about it, and no one understands what all the fuss is about until they experience it. Yes, it is safe to say that Texas has a lot to offer. Well if you were to take all the great things about Texas and concentrate them into a centralized point, Lubbock would be a mind-numbingly boring, 6-hour drive from there. (Kinda the opposite of KU's problem) In fact, Lubbock is located five hours west of the official dividing line where Texas becomes tolerable.
So when you meet this Red Raider fan that you hope to get your guns all up in, keep in mind that even though they are from Texas, they are from the worst part of the Western-Dirt-Belt (real term) so you definitely should not be intimidated or impressed.
One other notable attribute of Texas Tech fans.... they have one of the most visibly hot female fan bases in the country. I'm not necessarily saying that their entire fan base is exceedingly hot, or hotter than on any other college's fans (although they may be)... what I am saying is that their females that are hot make themselves extremely visible to the public and to the internet. To better understand what I am talking about either google image search "hot girls of texas tech" or click this link.
What to Wear
Your attire is how you visually introduce yourself to a potential Big XII mate (at least the only visual part you can do anything about... you are stuck with that face of yours) and it is important to portray a look that the potential mate will find appealing.
The Texas Tech fan loves really homoerotic zorro looking attire. If you can make yourself look like zorro getting cape-raped by a horse pirate, then you are on the right track.
Some other options are to dress up like things they are not used to seeing out in Lubbock.. outfitting yourself to look like lush grass, a hill, a body of water, a road that isn't perfectly straight, or a nice restaurant is sure to catch the eye of your soon to be nude Raider. Or for the guys out there, we know the beautiful women of Texas Tech are drawn to digital cameras..it is in their DNA, so why not put a camera in a visible place like in a shirt pocket or over your crotch. Then you will be that much closer to sharing your DNA with them (gross).
Now that you have dressed the part, it is time to initiate some conversion. This can be the most intimidating part, but armed with these guaranteed winners you will be one step closer to less talking and more grunt-barking*.
*perfectly normal noise to make during sex says my therapist
The Texas Tech fan suffers from many of the same inferiority issues that the O-State fan does, multiplied by the number of perceived "better" schools in Texas (Maybe 30?). However, as opposed to the O-State fan that rationalizes, cries, and drinks themselves into inner peace, your sexy Tech fan will most likely resent everyone from any other school, and attempt to prove that they are just as good of a school/program through screaming, swearing, and throwing things. Use the following phrases to manipulate that low self-esteem and hostility into some tumbleweed stopping fornication.
- "I am a big fan of the SPREAD offense" (really emphasize the word spread)
- "Texas Tech was my first choice...but I didn't get in, so I had to go to [name any school]"
- "My gun is already up!" (thrust crotch and make shooting noises)
- "I would invite you back to my house...but we would have no privacy because there are live streaming cameras everywhere."
- "You look great.... even through all this dust that has blown in my eyes."
- "Hey.. that person over there is not a Texas Tech fan... let's go spit on them and ask them why they think they are better than us."
- "How would you like to drive 100 miles and go get a drink?"
So you have followed my advice to the letter and are now ready to take your special Big XII fan out for a night on the town. Where you take them says a lot about you and the right choice can quickly lead to some inter-fanbase love (or even better..non-loving fornication).
Take them to Red Lobster.
(I have a theory that all Tech fans love Red Lobster. It was 2005 and O-State was hosting Tech for a 2:00 game. It was like 2 hours before kickoff and I was searching around Stillwater for somewhere to eat. After finding that all the usual places were completely full, I pulled up to the ol last resort, Red Lobster. To my surprise the waiting area of Red Lobster was full of Texas Tech fans. From the waiting area all I could see were people dressed in red and black. So I don't know if this was a planned thing or not... but I will assume that it wasn't and that all the Tech people could just sniff out the Red Lobster as soon as they got to town and their cars steered themselves there.)
During the Deed
So you have succeeded in bedding your Big XII crush. Congratulations. However, don't go so overboard high-fiving yourself and grunt-barking (see above) that you screw things up at this late stage. You are still in the zone where you will want to play your cards just right in order to secure potential future encounters. (re: more sex) Follow this advice and your recent Big XII conquest (and probably their even hotter friends) will be blowing up your Boost Mobile for months to come.
- Be very kind to your Tech sex partner during the act. At this point they are very vulnerable, especially if you are outdoors as the dirt is seriously going to blow into every exposed orifice.
- Constantly reassure them that out of everyone in Texas, you are happy to be having sex with them.
- Make a lot of pirate noises. Use the word "booty".
- Position both hands into gun shapes, then jam them..... well you probably get what I'm saying here....it's pretty gross
- Tell them that if they get too naughty... you have a maintenance shed out back
- After it is over, tell them that the O-State fan you slept with stole all their moves.
How was that huh? Pretty awesome no? You are welcome for getting you all that Sexas Sex (ya.. that was a stretch). Just remember to hit all the basics: wind, dirt, cameras, low self esteem, anger, jealousy, pirates, homoerotic zorros, and flatness... and you will be right back on top of a Red Raider faster than Tuberville can ruin a perfectly executed bluff that was going to work in his favor.
Up next: Iowa State Fan.