Yesterday's post of a proposed new statistic, followed by today's general post about borderline fictional fans that I don't like.... welcome to a college sports blog in July. I guess we could be covering recruiting or making predictions or something, but I'm not that into internet-stalking minors (at least not heterosexual males), and my predictions are always so dead-the-fuck-on that I don't want to ruin the suspense for everyone else. Instead, what you will be getting today is a revised version of a post from almost three years ago when the site was in its.. let's say, shit-xperimental phase. The fact that back in those days I rarely wrote anything that was..um, what's the word...readable.. does not mean that I didn't have a few decent ideas. And a list of the worst types of sports fans is one of those decent ideas.
I am going to ignore the most obvious bad fans (bandwagon, fair weather, violent, Nebraska, etc.), and instead focus on the terrible fans that have kinda floated under the radar. The types of fans that have always bothered the rest of us flawless fans, but have yet to be given a proper label like "bandwagon". What follows is a list of the worst types of fans in sports.
Super-Negative Fan (SNF's)
We all know some SNF's. They are typically negative people in general, but in their sports-fandom is where their repugnant attitude really blossoms into a misery-flower. SNF will harp on a negative outcome for weeks, and years in some cases, but their response to a positive outcome is usually along the lines of: "Finally they did something right". SNF sees their sports fandom not as a hobby or an interest, but as something else to sling their downbeat views onto. Basically, these miserable bastards have no idea that being a fan is supposed to be enjoyable. Is there any activity (not counting marriage) that you would continue to do if it were incapable of making you happy? The rule of being a fan is: The high you experience from a win has to be at least equal to the low you feel after a loss... and really the high should be much greater as that is why you are a fan in the first place.
Best Example: No particular fan base, more applies to groups of miserable people. Lets go with 75% of Big 10 fans.
Miss the Good Ol' Days Fan (MGODF)
Not much explanation needed here. The only thing I would like to mention is that when they say sports were better in "the good old days", I always kinda feel like deep down they mean the "whiter" days.
Best Example: Nebraska Fans
Just Here For The Party Fan (H4PF)
H4PF shows up at any poker game, sporting event, or watch party just because he thinks he loves drinking with the fellas...but what he really loves is the idea of living in a Miller Lite commercial. H4PF refers to everything he can as man-something (man-time, man-cave, man-latent homosexuality), and his restaurant suggestion is always Hooters. The worst thing about H4PF is that they will invariably become a one day fan of some team that happens to be on TV at that moment...just basically wanting to be involved in the "man-gasm". Really H4PF has no allegiance to any team, player, or school...H4PF is just looking for bros, high-fives, to get away from his family, and potential date-rape targets.
Best Example: none...H4PF has no allegiance.
Outwardly Passionate; Inwardly Indifferent Fan (OPIIF)
My least favorite fan (unless you count "molesting fan" or "follow you to the car and kill you" fan, but i left those 2 off for obvious reasons). OPIIF loves to cheer. I mean they LOVE to cheer. And not only cheer but get upset at bad plays and just generally show a lot of emotion at the events that transpire during a game. This all sounds well and good except that OPIIF never goes out of their way to watch a game, track stats, or do anything most hardcore fans do. OPIIF basically has no day-to-day interest in "their teams", but for some reason expresses a hundred times more emotion during the one game a year they watch than a real fan will express over the course of an entire season. OPIIF is so ballsy they will even ask a buddy "Hey how is team X doing? I am going to see them play this weekend and I am so effing psyched!!! So are they doing well this year or what?"
Best Example: A majority of "fans" of pro teams.
Too Much Gear Fan
Let's make this a law. An actual, enforceable law: One item of fan apparel per person. No more than one. Ever. The only exception is on game day and the multiple items have to make up an overall clever outfit.
Best Example: OU fans