How to Seduce a Big XII Fan is a "how-to" guide for all the ladies and fellas out there looking to land (land=sex) that special someone that is a fan of a Big XII school. What to say, what to wear, how to act... these topics and more will all be covered as we go school by school in this recurring series that will definitely lead to increased sales of "House Divided" license plate frames. So read each section carefully, follow the instructions, then lay back and enjoy your latest Big XII fan conquest.
Welcome to the fifth of twelve (you knew there would be twelve, right?) installments of "How to Seduce a Big XII Fan". With this issue (yes, this is a magazine) I will provide you with the tools you need to seduce a fan of the Iowa State Cyclones that has caught your eye (and gave you an eye-rection?).
Click the Jump to acquire the skills needed to land a Cyclone girl like this one... or for the ladies reading this, her male counterpart.
Lay of the Land
Since it is helpful to have a good idea of where a potential mate is coming from, so you can better understand how to trick them, we will start with some background information.
Before I get into the details, I want you to know that finding out the social, psychological, and geographic background of a typical Iowa State fan took more research that any "How to Seduce" post I have written to date. It all turned out to be worth it though, as I did find out a bunch of interesting facts about where a Cyclone is coming from. For example: Did you know that Iowa State is located in a state called Iowa? I always assumed it was a made up term or some university founders last name or something, but apparently there is a state in the midwest that is called Iowa.
Another part of what defines this sexy Iowa State fan you plan to clone-gasm with, is that Iowa State is largely overshadowed by another in-state college, The University of Iowa. However, in contrast to the other two schools we have already covered that have massive inferiority complexes due to an in-state rival casting a large shadow, Iowa State does not combat this with psychotic anger like Texas Tech, or by rationalizing that their excellence in other areas makes up for their perceived little-brother standing like Oklahoma State. Instead, Iowa State fans just shrug their shoulders, give the world an "aw shucks, what can ya do?" look, and accept their fate as second fiddle.
What to Wear
Your attire is how you visually introduce yourself to a potential Big XII mate (at least the only visual part you can do anything about... you are stuck with that face of yours) and it is important to portray a look that the potential mate will find appealing.
A highly effective clothing route to take here would be to establish your dominance over your prospective mating partner by wearing the attire of a school that would intimidate this Cyclone fan... this could be the attire of literally any other school. Upon seeing that you are representing a "cooler" school, the Cyclone fan will be overcome with feelings of inadequacy and will probably begin a conversation with you by first apologizing for going to Iowa State.
"You went to HU and you will still talk to me?"
Another option would be to dress as something they are used to seeing in Ames. Something that will make them feel comfortable and immediately put them at ease. Like maybe a white person. Or maybe you could dress as "family values". That'll get em hard.
Now that you have dressed the part, it is time to initiate some conversion. This can be the most intimidating part, but armed with these guaranteed winners you will be one step closer to less talking and more grunt-barking*.
*perfectly normal noise to make during sex says my therapist
Time to get the conversation going with this Iowa State fan you hope to Cy-cum with (gross). Just stick to the basics - inferiority, beef, corn, family values, white people - and everything should be fine.
- "I'm even MORE pale under my clothes."
- "It has been my life's dream to attend an athletic event in Ames." (no laughing)
- "I would love to plow your field of dreams."
- "Hey there... maybe we could go somewhere quiet together. Somewhere that no ones knows about. Let's find a place the rest of the world is not even aware of and make it our own. Anywhere on campus should work fine."
- "You must be tired of the Iowa societal pressures on you being 20 and not yet having any kids... let me help you with that."
So you have followed my advice to the letter and are now ready to take your special Big XII fan out for a night on the town. Where you take them says a lot about you and the right choice can quickly lead to some inter-fanbase love (or even better..non-loving fornication).
The key to the date locale is going to be to take your Iowa State crush to a place that is out of their normal experience. A place that will excite and possibly scare them a little. Sharing in this new, disorienting, and possibly frightening experience will bond this Cyclone hottie to you... and then in you. Some helpful suggestions of places that will be new and exciting for your sex-clone are: a full football stadium, a mall, a restaurant that serves salad, a self-confidence seminar, or anywhere that is not a field.
During the Deed
So you have succeeded in bedding your Big XII crush. Congratulations. However, don't go so overboard high-fiving yourself and grunt-barking (see above) that you screw things up at this late stage. You are still in the zone where you will want to play your cards just right in order to secure potential future encounters. (re: more sex) Follow this advice and your recent Big XII conquest (and probably their even hotter friends) will be blowing up your Boost Mobile for months to come.
A few sex tips that will play to the specific likes and dislikes of the sexy Cyclone fan (sex-clone sex-fan).
- At some point, look your partner in the eyes and sincerely say, "All the diseases I am getting from all these bugs crawling into my naked orifices is so worth this time spent in this cornfield with you"
- Avoid making any comments upon seeing that they are wearing Hawkeye underwear.
- Promise not to Gene Chizik all over them.
- In anyway you can, compare their lovemaking skills to Seneca Wallace. They love that dude.
Well that was fun wasn't it? You can thank me for that pasty white all night lovin with your super sexy Cyclone fan. Just re-read this at anytime to guarantee a future encounter... and make sure to keep in mind the basic principles: low self-esteem, white people, corn, beef, and Seneca Wallace.
Up next: Texas Longhorn Fan