Missouri Hate Week

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Yes indeed people, it's time to hate the hell outta those bastards from the northeast, the Missouri Tigers. It's been a while since I've written anything that was just straight up hate, and I must say this feels good (oddly enough, the article that got me the call up to the show was an article that blamed conference realignment on Missouri and Texas. Also oddly, nothing's changed).

Now, I know some of you may be wondering, "King, why do I need to hate Mizzou, isn't hating OU and A&M enough?" I'll admit, I'm asking a lot of you, but you shouldn't just hate missouri along with the Goon's and Cults, you should hate them more, and I'll give you a few reasons why.

: Missouri did more to destroy the Big 12 than Texas did-

Who started conference realignment? Who has whored themselves out to the most conferences since this started? (Word on the street is they have an invite from the NFL) Who overvalues their program the most? (Besides A&M) Who, out of all teams in the former Big 12, have the most to lose by moving? M-I-Z, Z-O-U. After news broke they were trying to seduce the Big 10 all hell broke loose. Seriously, if their officials could keep a God damn secret maybe we'd all still be one big dysfunctional conference. Listen up Tigers, I have news for your journalism school: In the Big 12 you would have had a shot at winning the conference, but you will never win the SEC. If you're in that conference 200 years, you will never win it.

: Missouri has 63% more meth labs than the next closest state-

That's just a fact, you can't argue with that Tiger fans (well, dickwads like you probably could, but you just look stupid doing so). Misery is doing more to contribute to the decline of America than the Taliban. Maybe if y'all did less meth you'd realize that two of your claims to fame are lies, you don't have America's first football homecoming (Baylor, 1909), and you don't have the worlds first journalism school (Ecole Superieure de Journalism de Paris, 1899).

: Their fans are the biggest assholes in all of sports-

OU fan's are all drunk rednecks, Tech fans fling tortillas and poo, but only at Mizzou is fan violence an art. They're so good at making sure all visiting fans have miserable times I almost think that being a dickface is a freshman class. The first (and also last) Missouri football game I attended in Columbia was in 2008. I had no prejudice towards the Tigers until that day. It started off well, breakfast at the hotel was decent, but when I walked to my car to get something the day went south. Even though I had no O-State gear on my car, crafty Tiger fans noticed my license plate and decided that covering all windows with "fuck off" would be fun. I then made what would be the biggest mistake of the trip, and instead of just chilling in my hotel room drinking all day I decided to go tailgate. You really don't know how shitty a fan base is until you have a 5 year old flip you off, a 65 year old woman call you a fag, and about 40 foam footballs thrown at your face (apparently they gave those away as a promotion). Beyond all that, the stadium has all the elbow room of a concentration camp, the worst stadium food I've ever tried (and I was hungry, no Missouri fans were sharing, and if they did they'd probably poison that it). When I finally returned to my car I noticed they made sure to flatten two tires, making sure I wouldn't have enough spares. Was that trip worth it? Hell yes, watching Pinkel and Daneils cry like bitches made it a perfect day.

 

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Why, sweet mother of God why?

: They only hire basketball coaches who cheat-

Former head coach Quin Snyder managed to get the FBI to investigate the program, and current coach Frank Haith loves to pay his players. Don't believe me? Believe a photo then

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Why, is that Haith, with Nevin Shapiro and Donna Shalala? I believe it is. Here's hoping the old habits die hard, and Haith has what it takes to decimate the Mizzou basketball program like Snyder did before him. 

 

: Jay Nixon is an asshole-

Apparently Oklahoma State and Texas Tech don't compare to the mighty power of the Missouri journalism school, at least NIxon believes so. That's excusable, being a Tiger, he doesn't know how to be anything but a dick, but my biggest gripe with him lies below. Now beyond all that, 5 of his former aids and cabinet member have been embroiled in multiple scandals, requiring them to step down. Oh, and his son is a pot head (and Mizzou student). Let's see, did I leave anything out?

: Chase Daniels played for them-

This fucking guy. He is possible the biggest prima donna in sports history. He held his composure about as well as the Britney Spears guy. One bad pass, he'd throw his helmet, pout like a whore, and stomp around the sidelines trying as hard as he could to fuck up whatever rhythm they had. Daniels was such a dedicated Tiger he was an asshole to his own teammates. That's dedication, my friends. The fact that he was a successful as he was only proves he was meant for Missouri. Well, that and the fact they both enjoy eating boogers.

: They banned strip clubs-

Until this bullshit get's repealed I will never travel to, through, or near Missouri. Seriously, I thought Oklahoma was full of bible thumping jerks, but God damn, Missouri went too far. They banned fully nude (what the hell is the point of a titty bar if you can't have a errant pube fall in your beer?), banned alcohol, and require dancers to be 6 feet from the customers at all times. Really? I'm disappointed in America. If there's something wrong with getting a pair of tits in your face for cash, I don't want to be right. Apparently the entire state legislature is full of dickheads like Nixon, as proponents believe that reducing titer's will: increase property value, help stop demeaning women, reduce divorce, and reduce general seediness. Hmm, well, that might work, but I'd say those 1900 meth labs do more to drive down property value and increase general seediness that any skin club could. As far as divorce rates, in women would stop trippin when their man comes home at 2am, drunk, covered in glitter (well, at least his face), and smelling like truck stop restroom perfume than a lot of marriages could be saved. Shit like this is why America is doomed, instead of worrying about the nearly 2000 meth labs in his state, Nixon is worried about titty bars.

Well, that's it. No stats, very little proof, just hate. This is why I hate Missouri, and if they do manage to backdoor their way into the SEC I say let em, whores like it rough.

I'll be deep in the cold cold ground before I recognize Missourah.

-Abe Simpson

Go Pokes

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