the Rock has come back to Chicago, I'm back in God's country getting shit faced on a Friday to hang out with you.
After a couple of weeks away from Joes I've returned to deliver semi-drunk ramblings and possibly pick a game or two. Though, according to ESPN, the Sports Animal, and even CNN, there isn't any football this weekend, just investigations into Penn State. Consider this list:
Jerry Sandusky pimped boys out to Penn State doners
Penn State players had sex with little boys and helped cover it up
Joe Paterno prefers Alabama hot pockets instead of sex
Mike McQueary gained his current position by helping Sandusky cover up his boy sex, and now has sex with boys.
Three of those are being reported by major news sources, I'll let you guess which one is fake. (And on a personal note, I hope Penn State loses every game they play in every sport for all time, and that the College is disbanded)
Now back to the point here, we have four games to pick this weekend, with the Cyclones and Sooners taking the week off. To kick things off I'm starting with a long island iced tea (probably a terrible decision)
Baylor at Kansas
I guess it's tradition this year to have any game involving Kansas be the worst game of the week. Iowa State almost ruined the KU loss streak, but luckily the Jayhawks out sucked the Cyclones. This week Baylor will be looking to tune up going into their game with Oklahoma next week, and Kansas will look to not lose by 50 at home (but they'll probably fail). So long as RG3 avoids a hangnail or a sprained vagina Baylor should roll with relative ease, and get their hopes way up before the goon's crush them next week. Really, this game is so meaningless and boring that I'm struggling to find funny things to say about it. BeBe's kids win, 45-10.
Texas A&M at Kansas State
Has A&M officially given up on the season yet? After back to back loses (including a beating by the goons), A&M sits at 5-4 on the season, far below their preseason prediction of winning the super bowl. The single greatest collection of talent to ever be assembled on a football field should beat KSU, but much like their coach, have napped through every second half this season. Kansas State is coming off a crushing loss, that literally went down to the last second, and the team psyche will be a huge issue going into this game. For A&M to have a chance they need to change 3 things this week: First, they must stop having sheep orgy's the day before the game. Having to move a sheep into the piledriver position requires quite a bit of energy, and, coupled with the electrolyte loss, leads to fatigue and cramping in the second half. Second, they must stop squeezing their balls all day. I know they enjoy being treated like cockubines, but to win a game they have to stop it. And finally, the entire team needs to come out of the closet. They're all over compensating by playing football, but we all know they wanna join in with their corp friends and get in on some man on man loving. Once they do that, and quit the team, they can replace them with actual football players. I think KSU comes out pissed, and then gets down big in the first half, but then wins 35-32.
LIT number 2 on the way, along with a shot
Texas at Missouri
So many story lines going into this one. The cowards who are leaving versus the dickheads who forced them out. Outside of OU, Missouri is the team I hate the most, so normally I'd want them to lose. But Texas has been a pain in the ass the past two years, and is the reason I'll have to deal with TCU and West Fucking Virginia in the conference now. What's funny though, is after not actually winning the Big 12, the tigers decided that moving to the SEC would be a good idea. That is as good an idea as having Jerry Sandusky babysit your children (oh yeah, I've been sitting on that one all week). Missouri will have to learn to cheat quickly to avoid becoming Mississippi. Dickhead tiger fans will say I'm jealous, and to that I respond I've been to Columbia. Being jealous of anything from that state would be like Italy being jealous of Lybia, it doesn't make any sense. Columbia, aside from being full of assholes, is like a garbage truck convention with all the meth you can smoke. Oh, and I know Texas want's to pretend this didn't happen, but they also paid Will Lyles for his "services". Hopefully the NCAA get's on that. Longhorns win, 31-28
A few friends just arrived, so now it's time for a pitcher of something.
Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
First, I'd like to remind Gundy to assign security to the team buses, otherwise they'll return to find them filled with rotten bloated corpses who died of AIDS and tortillas. Now, this game scares me. Sure, Tech has played like shit the past two weeks, but they're just the team to trip up OSU historically. Especially after such a grinding game last week for the Cowboys, I'm a bit concerned about their mental and physical state. If Big G has them ready to play, then Tech is probably screwed (and it helps us that they beat OU earlier, just show that video to get focus). I think, much like the Missouri game, it helps our cause to play at 11, that way the herpes laden Tech crowd doesn't have time to get fully liquored up before kickoff. I don't think we'll cover the 18 point spread, but I don't think it will be a close game either. Pokes win, 42-28.
Well that's it folks, hopefully you've enjoyed drinking along with me. Royal should have his prediction thread up later today, raise a glass for me where you are tonight, I'm heading to Lubbock so I'll be out of pocket the rest of the evening.