To Hell And Back: A Trip To Lubbock

LUBBOCK, TX - NOVEMBER 12: A general view of play between the Oklahoma State Cowboys and the Texas Tech Red Raiders at Jones AT&T Stadium on November 12, 2011 in Lubbock, Texas. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

I've often wondered what it's like to visit a 3rd world country, and after my trip to west Texas I think I have a pretty good idea. I was tempted to kiss the ground when I got back to Guthrie, and I don't even like Guthrie that much, but it's like New York compared to Lubbock. This is the third away game I've been to, and I think I'm fucking up when I choose away games. Now I've spent time in Norman, Columbia, and Lubbock, and I can say they all suck balls. Not regular ball's either, donkey balls. To compare the three, Norman is like Misty cigarette, cheap, low brow, and full of cancer. Columbia is like a convention of garbage truck drivers, complete with the smell. And Lubbock, well, I assume it's the closest thing to Syria without actually being in Syria.

The Drive:

I've heard people complain about how far West Virgina is from most Big 12 schools, but at least there is good scenery between here and there. Driving to Lubbock is about as exciting as watching a marathon of Twilight movies, by the end you'd rather drive rusty nails through your testicles than continue on. To avoid the tolls I drove west to Amarillo and then south to Lubbock (bad idea). Now, if you've never been to the Big Texas Steak House in Amarillo I suggest it, good stuff. Outside of the game that was the highlight of my weekend was eating lunch there Friday. Now after 6 fucking hours of looking at flat desert, (and only bringing three CD's with me, after a while even Ozzy get's old), I arrived at what appeared to be a ghost town.

Click the jump for more fun: (unless you've been there, or god help you, live there)

The City Town Shantyville:

Lubbock appears to have no buildings built after about 1975. They even use those stupid ass sideways stop lights. After seeing that I was surprised to find they took credit cards. I figured the businesses were barter only. After getting lost (even my GPS, which I updated before we left, got lost. Fucking tomtom) about 3 times we finally found our hotel, the Holiday Inn "towers". When I booked that shit I figured it would be a decent place to stay, hell it even had Towers in the name. Upon arrival I realized that west Texas suffers from Kansas syndrome, where a 40 foot hill may as well be the god damned Rocky Mountains. The "towers" were 6 stories, which makes it funny to call it a tower, and our room was on the 5th. Which normally wouldn't be a problem, but the lobby elevator was being fixed when we arrived (oh, and the asshole at the front desk pointed to the stairs, but failed to point to the other elevator. Derek at holiday inn, you are an asshole), so we had to hike it. Our room was supposedly non-smoking, but the smell said otherwise. Oh, and the shit stuck to the back of the toilet bowl as a nice touch.

After getting settled and calling a maid to clean the shitter, we went out to grub and party. The only bar we knew of was Bash Riprocks (really, thats what they name shit down there), and we only knew of that because that's where the Animal was pre and post gaming. Quickly we realized it was going to be a long ass night, Tech fans need to be studied by science. They're like fucking chihuahuas, they bark a lot, but when it's time to fight run like pussies. I heard Xerox U jokes, which are old and lame, and then I heard "IMA MAN IMFORTY" about 80 times.I was having a good time with it all, until some bitch (literally a woman), challenged me to a drinking contest. This chick was all of 250 and had sideburns that would make Elvis jealous. Normally, I would just ignore such, but I was already a bit drunk and my friends we're going crazy, so we both ordered 5 shots, loser would pay. I crushed that whore, she was on number three when I finished. The bitch didn't pay. For either shots. I had to pay for both (and I would have hammered her other two, but she had touched them and they probably had herpes or AIDS or someting). After that we went to a bar who's name I can't remember and stayed there til they threw us out (turns out, even though everything about that towns says go ahead, they don't want you pissing in a corner).

Gameday:

If anyone thinks sucking ass this year would teach Red Raider fans some humility you are mistaken. The hour or two we wandered around looking at the "tailgates" (they do it weak in Lubbock) I was reminded of Gundyrant, 2008, and called a fucker more times than I was in Norman, which I considered a feat. I have yet to meet a Tech fan in person who wasn't a complete asshole, and I've concluded they are all assholes. It was seriously entertaining watching them empty out of AT&T stadium (which looks a lot like Lewis field pre-Boone) around 45-0. We went from the visitor section all the way down to about the 3rd row on the 45 yard line. The best line was after the game when we we're leaving I heard how, if Mike Leach was still here, this wouldn't have happened. Apparently, in the delusion that Tech fans live in, Leach was on the cusp of winning about 10 straight national titles. I'd like to remind Tech fans of one, small detail. YOU FUCKING FIRED MIKE LEACH! And, even then he was only good for about 9 wins a year. Anyway, after the game we cancelled our hotel for the next night and decided to go home.

If the earth ever took a shit, Lubbock is where it would come out. It's like a cross between the land time forgot and a hazardous waste dump. If you love trees, or grass, or hills, or not 50mph wind and sandstorms, or clean women, I suggest you avoid west Texas in general, but especially Lubbock. I really can't stress enough how shitty it is. You're thinking "oh, that's just King being King", but really, it is that bad. It is by a wide margin the ugliest town I've ever seen, the roads make Oklahoma's look brand new, the place is actually covered in dirt, and the people are fucking crazy. I would rather go to Norman 100 times than back to Lubbock once. At least Norman is semi-clean and has grass. I hope that gives you a taste of what a road trip to Lubbock is like.

Oh yeah, we did try and go to a skin club, but the one we found was BYOB plus a $20 cover, and then like $10 for a 4 ounce coke to mix booze with. If I go to a town and can't find a decent titter, well let's just say that's a deal breaker.

Go Pokes

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