I decided, as the cultural ambassador here at CRFF, that I should interview a Sooner, and instead of messing around with some weakness, I'd go straight to the top- Bob Stoops. So, I placed a call to the OU sports information department to start the process of scheduling an interview. Regardless of what you've heard, being a SBN darling doesn't open as many doors as it should. I never got past the front desk (in fact, I was told to never call back).
Undaunted, I decided to go with the fan favorite living OU coach, Barry Switzer. Now I made some headway here, in that I actually got in touch with Barry. After contacting his booking agency (how much to you think it cost to get Switzer to sign some autographs? Starts at $5k an hour) and pretending to be a bank looking to have an autograph signing, I managed to get on the phone with him. For about 5 seconds. Once he figured out I wasn't from Perry National Bank (his first clue should have been Perry, they're lucky to have a McDonalds), he called me an ass for wasting his time (who knew his drinking time was so valuable) and hung up.
After strike two, I had to look a little farther up the totem pole (betcha didn't know the important figures were at the bottom did ya?). God knows where the hell Chuck Fairbanks is, Gary Gibbs isn't worth the effort, John Blake is running from the law, and Schnellenberger is too drunk to interview (though I did try, he also hung up on me).
Who did I find? Follow me over the jump and let's find out.
I decided that, while a former coach or even player for that matter, would be more legitimate, it wouldn't be the CRFF way. No, to get an "interview" I asked my friend Mark (an OU fan, duh) if he would be willing to answer a few questions about this OU team (I almost had Jason White's left knee, but EDSBS had both of those bastards booked all week). I hope this get's you in the Bedlam spirit, and be sure to tell any friends you have that are sooner fans (and hopefully its not many) how shitty they are. What transpires below is a text exchange I had with him:
Me: hey man, hughes treating you well? hopefully not, but either way, Landry's mustache, yes or no?
Mark: fuck u. the mustache, I thought that was gone
i don't know, kinda makes him look like one of the village people when he has it, #isn't he a preacher?
village people? ur asking about his mustache
You silly goose. What causes your team to come out flat? Not enough coke?
Bo Bowling. and we don't play flat, we play down, theres a diff
Not to TT there isn't. What's up with you pass coverage? Not enough shark do's?
dusty dvaroachek- now your sharks, why are they so gay?
At least we play defense u'd do better having the offense stay on the field for both sides
True, now answer the question dick
I dunno, does the injury excuse work?
we don't cover the middle is a problem
also we put linebackers in weird places, expect them to cover big receivers
so basically, you need to not suck
do i need to quote the record
too late, traeber beat you too it
hahaha, what a yardbird
don't use that term. next question. RBroyles, hard on?
all day god i miss him. twice the reciever of blacky
and half the size, so he'll never see the field in the nfl
bullshit, a case says he's better than your boy dez year one
god i wish dez was my boy, i'd have at least two jags in the yard
now then, simmer down. what do you think needs to happen for the goons to bring home another bg12?
nothing, stoops still has gundys balls, we aint givin em back
your english teacher would be proud. let's assume we have a lead at the half, can you come back?
how big a lead?
well have at least 14 off weeden picks, so yeah, we can come back
that will be balanced with 21 from preacher man. on a side note, his bitch is hot
hey, don't call her a bitch. sluts don't like that
lol, self burn
weeden breaks a hip and we win 50-35
first, your front four wont sniff the backfield, and lewis can't get off twitter long enough to blitz
second, you have confidence you can score 50? you couldn't on baylor or tech
21 points on d
I already called that asshole
k, 25 points on d
how the hell is that possible?
theres at least one safety in there somewhere. is that your real prediction?
(5 hours later)
no, I think we win 45-40
did it take you all that time to figure out how your d will score 25 and adjust?
remember ur jokes when i text you after its over
ill be way to drunk to remember
yeah man, thanks
There you have it, straight from the most "in the know" OU source I could find. Hopefully the rest of you are lucky enough to not have any goon friends. If you do, you're probably having similar conversations, and they're probably just as stupid. Just remember, your not alone. Also, remember we don't have man-beast cheerleaders, mutant donkeys, or Howard Schnellenberger as a former head coach. So no matter what, we still win.