What a weekend, right? In national championship tournaments, Oklahoma State gets bounced in four different sports within twenty four hours. Which one hurt the worst? Let's make a quick list beginning with the least painful.
4. OSU softball: Nobody expected them to make it to the College World Series so honestly, it wasn't necessarily a bad loss once they got there. Their loss is only bad when lumped in with the other sports for a "total amount of team losses in one weekend" stat. In reality, every OSU fan should be proud of the girls for their accomplishment.
3. OSU baseball: Siiiiigh, what the hell happened to us in the last half of the season? To get bounced in a manageable regional by going 0-2 in the first two games is almost as shameful as your parents finding out you're gay because they saw you rollerblading. Is it Frank Anderson's fault or this a school support issue? Is it both? I have no clue but something definitely has to change very soon.
2. OSU golf: I am so utterly tired of Augusta State. It's one thing to get beat by them in the championship round of the National tournament. It's quite another for them to do it a second time in a row but this time it is on your own course and it eliminates you from even competing in the championship round. That's like watching your son rollerblading towards you...and then hearing him sing a song from Glee.
1. Oh wait, you thought we only lost three times this weekend? I'm afraid not, friends. And this loss hurt the worst. Yours truly represented OSU this last weekend in Las Vegas at the First Annual Cezar's Palace's Pool Bachelor Party Swim-Off (catchy, I know). The competition?.....The UNLV girl's swim team.
Click the jump for the story.
Bachelor parties are a funny thing...especially bachelor parties in Las Vegas. Men become brave and women become more willing to talk to men that they would never usually talk to. As it turns out, this perfect storm collided Saturday afternoon at Cezar's Palace's pool.
There the seven of us guys were, enjoying overpriced drinks and sitting in the biggest pool I have ever seen. After about an hour or two of relaxing and some small talk with other guests, a group of girls came floating toward us. Forgive me if I sound like I am reenacting a scene from Revenge of the Nerds here, but you have to understand that my friends are normally pretty shy when it comes to talking to girls. With that said, this was a pretty big deal. So we start chatting with them and it turns out they are on the UNLV swim team (Big ups to the UNLV conditioning coach. These girls had amazing bodies).
So before you think this becomes a Las Vegas tale of bragging, let this next part clarify that I am not always so smooth with the ladies. I already had my fair share of booze that day so once the girls told us they were on the swim team, I got a little mouthy. I believe I said something along the lines of "I'm sure you're talented and all but I could probably still beat you in anything athletic---due to the fact that you are women." For some reason, they didn't take that as a compliment. Pshh, women...never satisfied, right? As a result, I was immediately challenged to a race by one of the swimmers.
After much trash talk and myself trying to weasel my way out of a horrible situation that I got myself into, my friends (dicks) and the swim team convinced me to take the challenge. The race: Underwater swim from one length of the pool to the other. I cannot reiterate this enough: The pool at Cezar's Palace is MASSIVE. I wasn't even sure if I could hold my breath the entire time to make it across. But I had one more way out. The pool was literally packed. Hundreds of people were drinking, dancing, and conversing in the water everywhere. So I said, "There's no way we can do this. There are people everywhere. How about we call it a draw?" Now this is where the line "men become brave" at the beginning of the story comes into play. My usually reserved friends (dicks) scream "NO PROBLEM!" and immediately start clearing a lane from one end of the pool to the other. It was nothing short of miraculous and biblical. Moses couldn't have parted hundreds of drunk people as fast as these six guys in Las Vegas for a bachelor party.
So at this point, I'm fucked. My friends (dicks) have cleared nearly a forty yard race lane. There are now hundreds of spectators watching and wondering why they had to move. I am about to race a damn full scholarship collegiate female athlete. Oh, and I may not even have the lung power to make it the whole way underwater which will result in laughter and mockery from the peanut gallery. But, the stage was set so I had to compete. Oklahoma State versus UNLV.
3, 2, 1, and we're off. It's really quite amazing what hundreds of people screaming and cheering sound like underwater. Anyway, she took at least a full body's length lead right away (Not that I cared. At that point I just wanted to finish without having to come up for air). At about the half way mark, I pretty much conceded defeat and just started reserving energy so I could make it the whole way. But out of nowhere, a couple of the spectators (I have no idea who) grabbed me by the ass and legs and gave me a huge generous shove toward the finish line. I am now catching up to the UNLV fish-woman at a very rapid rate and just like every OSU fan has done before, thought to myself, "Holy shit, I can actually come back and win!!!" Swimming as hard as I could and with about fifteen feet to go, I am close to pulling up next to her. The crowd starts screaming wildly again. Unfortunately, while that boosted my confidence, it also alerted her that I was catching up. And that's when it all went downhill. She looked over, saw me gaining ground, and kicked it into a whole different gear and sped away to the finish. Sigh, like many OSU stories of the past, I built up hope for a win only to be soundly defeated in the end.
She actually only beat me by a body length but still, the girls celebrated while I justified my loss by screaming "She's a fucking collegiate swimmer!!!" over and over again. And then I had to buy her a $20 drink for the win. I still have no idea how my pride and manhood weren't enough--they wanted my money too. Pshh, women...never satisfied, right?
In conclusion, if you see a guy rollerblading toward you asking for money to buy the first season of Glee on DVD, tell him you don't give handouts to losers who can't beat a girl in a swim race.