Weeden just saw the new commercial for the longhorn network. He is horrified.
10:42 AM and he's already drinking? Yup, it's Picks From Joes. How did I do last week? Well, shitty if you really want to know, 3-2 (really, how did Kansas and Iowa State win?). At least there are more games to pick this weekend, with the entire conference in action. Well, my first pitcher has arrived, let's dive into this.
10: Western Illinois at Missouri
God damnit I knew this would happen eventually, there was no way Mizzou could make it an entire non conference schedule without finding the biggest pussies in the nation. I love how they've scheduled it, knowing that ASU would beat them they found a fucking middle of the road division II school to beat up. At least, for God sakes, schedule a weak ass division I school. It's not so hard, Ball State will take your money, so will FIU for that matter. Fucking weak sauce Missouri, almost as weak as your running game (and half as weak as that joke). I don't even care to look up stats, Missouri wins 30-10.
9: Stephen F Austin at Baylor
Taking a page straight from the Missouri playbook, the Bears (who assumed they would lose to TCU) scheduled a week off in between games and then cut SF Austin a check to get an ass beating. Hell, at least SF Austin won the Southland conference last year, so it's not as bad as Missouri, but still pretty shitty. This is damn near a trap game, with Baylor coming off the biggest win ever, and going up against a decent D2 school, I think this game will be closer than it should be. With God on their side and a Dr. Pepper in their hands, Baylor wins 28-17.
First pitcher down, second on the way, no shots yet, plenty of games today
8: Texas Tech at New Mexico
Tubbervilles fightin' Raiders are heading west to face off against the Lobo's (worst nickname in all of sports? maybe). The Lobo's, under the masterful tutelage of coach Mike Locksley have gone 2 and 22 the last two years. The fact his "services" were retained for a third year is impressive in and of itself (well, it would be impressive, if New Mexico didn't agree to a massive buyout on his contract). I expect those crazy ass tortilla throwers to unleash an ass whipping in the desert (so basically, home to TTU), and take home the W, 45-10.
7: Kent State at Kansas State
Will Kansas State win two games this year? Probably, because the Golden Flash have sucked since the late 70's, and nothing has really been done to change that. Bill Snyder will need this win, bad, because the KSU schedule starts to get tough quickly, with upcoming games at Miami, and against Baylor and Missouri, KSU looks to be 2-3 during that stretch, assuming they get the win tomorrow. I think this will be a test for the Wildcats (how bad does your season have to be that Kent Fucking State is a test?), and I think the 'Cats will fail it. Not that they will lose, but they'll only score like 13 points (which would actually be an increase). Cat's win, 13-3.
6: Idaho at Texas A&M
The Vandals are visiting the Aggies with one question on their minds, "Where can we cash this check?" Under HC Robb "yes two B's" Akey, the Vandals have improved every year until last year, and are looking to rebound and go back to a bowl this year. Does any of this mean they have a chance at knocking off A&M? Hell no, unless the cramp situation actually starts killing Aggie players. I'm going to take a line or two to remind everyone why we hate Texas A&M so much. Just watch this video. Go ahead, I'll wait. You back? Fuck me that was terrible, I'll be honest, I was so embarassed for those assholes that I didn't make it past the 4 minute mark, and even then it was like being waterboarded. Hell, I'd probably rather be waterboarded than watch that shithole again. Aggies win, 42-14.
Second pitcher down, I apologize for nursing that beast, so I'll order a shot now
5: Iowa State at UCONN
Iowa State is on top of the world, just like that bitch from Titanic, after beating Iowa to win the Cy-Hawk trophy (which they promptly broke, which is why they can't have nice things). UCONN is looking to win the Big East again (which is why no one cares about Big East football), but are off to a bad start, having already lost to Vanderbilt (yes, the school that brings the SEC GPA up about 2 points, and they still only have a 2.1). I think Iowa State is pretty much due for a bowl game this year, which is funny that I feel that way after many drinks, where before sober I figured they'd suck ass and go 4-8. After beating Iowa, the sky is the limit (so long as that sky is 6 wins), and I think they'll get the victory Saturday, 31-20.
4: Texas at UCLA
If you haven't heard, Texas is back. Yup, pretty much already won the fucking national championship after beating BYU. Don't believe me? Look at this. What the fuck is that kid doing around the 20 second mark? Anyhow, after that thrilling win over BYU, marking UT's return the the pinnacle of college football, the Longhorns look to plant their flag this weekend out in Los Angeles. I could tell you why the game could be close, what with UT having no QB play, a shit running game, and general suckitude on offense. Or I could tell you that Rick Neuheisel's ass is on fire from that hot seat (and hopefully not in the "Stop My Ass Is On Fire!" sense) and that he's desperate for the W. No, instead I'll tell you that Fuck Texas, that's what. That, and they'll probably win, but not by much. But fuck it, I think they'll lose, and UCLA takes the upset, 20-17.
I feel like I'm losing my chug-ability now, but it's only been an hour and I'm two pitchers and a shot deep, a double jack and coke on the way
3: Oklahoma State at Tulsa
Hey baby, I don't even need to let you know about this game, just read Yachoff's badass pimp article and get ready for the fucking beating we're gonna put on the Golden Shower. Pokes win, 67-0.
2: Kansas at Georgia Tech
Kansas has doubled the win total that I predicted for them, and that pisses me the fuck off. The Yellow Jackets will be a tough opponent, with their triple option and shit (which I used in NCAA 2009 to rape fools, Z-Rob to Kendall dominance), so we'll see how KU is against the run, how GT is against, well, I'm not actually sure what the hell Kansas is good at, but GT will see it. Tech wins, 27-17
1: Oklahoma at Florida State
Finally, we're here, game of the week. OU fan's all set to reclaim the top spot in our power poll this week. Well, fuck all that, if they win by 90 i'll still vote those bastards second, cause, like pussies, they took week two off. So many story lines in this game, the OU O-line vs the FSU D-line, and of course the other way around. I've heard, at one point or another, that somehow the battle in the trenches, the secondary vs the receivers, and the qb play will decide this game. No fucking shit it will, the sports animal is possible the worst local sports radio station in the country. What will actually decide this game? Well, I fail to see how FSU is any better than last years, and even if they are, they are going to have to be substantially better to even keep it close. The only way the Seminholes have a chance is if Landry "Faith Healer" Jones throws about 4 picks. Other than that, OU roles, wins 45-14.
Well shit there you go, another week, another notch on my cirrhosis belt. I hope you've enjoyed it, I know I have, and I'll leave you with this. If that doesn't make you both hate the fuck out of Texas and want to puke, I don't know what will. Fucking cocksuker Mcconnehghyg, I don't even know how to spell that dickwad's name. God damn, Fuck Texas (now I sound like a douchey OU fan, but never fear, FUCK OU GO NOLES)