In a matter of days, OSU football will be in the thick of things once again. You can tell the football season is coming in few different ways: the summer heat is receding, school bells chime as incoming freshmen move into the OSU dorms, and King retains the first of several attorneys that will counsel him throughout various forthcoming gameday run-ins with B.P.S. security. The Cowboys have had good practices, the Boone is selling tickets, and Gundy has bought himself a fifty-five gallon barrel of genuine L.A. Looks hair gel that should last until conference play. All is ready for a great season of OSU football. Everything except one small omission: Our new Quarterback Wes Lunt is still without a suitable nickname.
All the great OSU QB's have had a good nickname. The Blond Bomber Bob Fenimore. Brandon "The Matlock-Watching-Wether's-Original-Eating-92-Year-Old-College-Quarterback" Weeden. ZAC "ZMFROB" ROBINSON. Colonel "Bobby Reid" Sanders. And now it is eighteen year old Wes Lunt's turn. After the jump are a few schools of thought as to how to properly nickname our new quarterback.
The "He has some sort of personal characteristic that is outstanding or unique" Nickname
Not a whole lot is yet known about Wes Lunt. Lunt is the first true freshman QB at OSU in a long while and ten years younger than Brandon Weeden whom he replaces, so a play on his youthfulness could be a consideration for a good handle. Lunt also has kind of squinty eyes. And he is from Illinois. How about Young Squinty Illinois Lunt? Moving on...
The "He Looks Like X" Nickname
Another option at our disposal is the "Name them after someone they slightly resemble" school of monikerization. CRFF has played this nicknaming card to the hilt, mostly with OSU's Offensive Coordinators, most popularly with Dana Holgorsen's Phil Collins resemblance, and less popularly with the Todd Monken/Dave Coulier similitude. The problem is, who does Wes Lunt look like?
Anthony Jr. from "The Sopranos"?
None of these pairings come near the magic of the Holgorsen-Collins comparison, which remains the gold standard. Unfortunately, Lunt does not resemble anyone very convincingly/funnily (prove Yachoff wrong, readers), so we move on.
The "Last name rhymes with X" Nickname
Lots of juicy possibilities here. If he is good, we'll call him "In the Hunt Lunt". If he is bad, we can call him "Three Downs and a Lunt". Or "Look at that lousy c*** Lunt". We don't want to have to do that though. Don't let us down, Wes.
The "He does something like prays quite a bit or holds dog fights at his house" Nickname
We don't know much about Wes Lunt yet. He is like an unborn baby still deep in the womb of off-season practice. When he comes into this world in 15 days, screaming and possibly bleeding, we will be better judges of his future character and in a better position to nickname him. We don't know if Lunt will score thirty touchdowns or three this year. We don't know if Lunt will make a scathing, brutally honest, and downright therapeutic post-game rant that really gets us thinking about the falseness and negativity in our own lives, or if he just sits back and gets hand-fed chicken in a parking lot full of defeat. Maybe (and hopefully) neither. Lunt is still a blank slate. At this point we must adopt the last nicknaming strategy:
The Wait and See Nickname
Good luck to Wes Lunt and the rest of the 2012 OSU Cowboy Football team.