Big 12 CoachWatch

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In the continuing tradition of supposedly weekly articles that appear once out of nowhere and are promptly forgotten forever the very next week, CRFF brings you "Big 12 CoachWatch": An Unflinching Look at Head Coach Job Security in the Big 12-2-2+2.


"Big 12 CoachWatch" is not intended for gambling purposes. Empires have been built, then leveled, then built again around the wisdom contained within "Big 12 CoachWatch". "Big 12 CoachWatch" has influenced perceptible annual growth to the N.Y.S.E. and may or may not have been present at the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. "Big 12 CoachWatch" has brought Kings to their SHA-NA-NA-NA-NA-Knees and taught the Lame how to Dougie. "Big 12 CoachWatch" is not responsible for lost or stolen items and "Big 12 CoachWatch" asks that you do not attempt to reason with "Big 12 CoachWatch", as "Big 12 CoachWatch" operates on a higher level than your reptilian brain.


(IN ORDER OF JOB SECURITY):

Bill Snyder, KSU

While most seventy-two year olds are content to spend their golden years eating pitted prunes and scaring archeologists out of pyramids, Kansas State head coach Bill Snyder is leading his Wildcat team to the top of the conference standings and to a #7 national ranking with a win over OU in Norman. Snyder's non-sequential success at K-State, similar birth year, and aversion to high tariffs are earning him the nickname "the Grover Cleveland of college football", at least amongst a small subset of Oklahoma State bloggers, namely, Yachoff. While some fanbases see advanced age as a liability, K-Staters hope Snyder is around longer than Joe Paterno Bobby Bowden. Wildcats love this man. He was able to deliver them from the absolute gutter to their heralded conference championship in 1998, and to this day if you ask a K-State fan in Manhattan who Ron Prince is, they will smile nervously, respond 'Who?', then go back to listening to Fatboy Slim on their Discman. Even if Snyder was as senile as Clint Eastwood, it is immensely difficult for a sports program to fire someone who has their name written on the stadium.

"Big 12 CoachWatch" Hotseat Threat Level: MUMMIES ARE THE NEW VAMPIRES

Mike Gundy, OSU

Mike Gundy used the off-season to finagle himself a nice, new multimillion dollar contract for eight more years. While he doesn't enjoy Snyder-like levels of adoration yet, most of the OSU fanbase has joined his side after two record setting years in the spotlight of success, a Big 12 championship, a #3 final ranking, a Fiesta Bowl victory, and an ass kicking of OU. Gundy has delivered everything that we had been asking for really, and is off the hotseat from both a contractual standpoint (it'd be too expensive to fire him) and a fanbase likability standpoint (because we won eleven games last year we've forgiven how much the rant embarrassed the shit out of everyone involved). To be fired this year, Mike Gundy would have to begin each and every press conference for a year with a rant supporting Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez.

"Big 12 CoachWatch" Hotseat Threat Level: YOU DONT DOWNGRADE HIM BECAUSE HE DOES EVERYTHING RIGHT

Art Briles, Baylor

Art Briles may be not just one of the best coaches in the Big 12 now, he may be one of the best coaches, no human beings, in the Big 12, EVER. Hear Yachoff out: Briles has done for Baylor what no coach had ever done for BU, 10 wins and a Heisman. People actually saw Baylor as a formidable opponent. For one season, people feared Baylor. Any other point in Big 12 history if you told someone that Baylor would get as many wins and have the best player in college football, they'd tell you that you were flat out crazy and probably your mama too. Goes to show it's in the genes. And they'd be right, but not last year. If we hadn't been around, Baylor would have won the Big 12. Also Briles has to put up with working at Baylor, the new jerkiest fanbase in the Big 12 with the least football resources. So for that he should be a saint. Unfortunately for Briles he didn't jump ship to a better school immediately after his one shinny moment, but stayed put in Waco where he will remain until he retires or someone else comes along that is stupid enough to have interest in coaching for Baylor.

"Big 12 CoachWatch" Hotseat Threat Level: REMEMBER THAT ONE YEAR WHEN BAYLOR WAS GOOD? ME NEITHER

Gary Patterson, TCU

TCU has the longest active win streak in the nation at eleven games, so Patterson is safe from 'dealing' with being on the hotseat. Everyone watching the Big 12 is waiting for conference play to 'weed'-out the weak teams TCU is used to 'firing-up'. Patterson's players are 'red-eyed' and 'hungry', TCU's fans are glassy-eyed but lethargic, and Patterson himself is 'totally stoked for some "big hits" this year, dude'. Patterson is on in Ecstasy because of his eleven years of success at TCU and has no where to go but up and up and up, higher and higher. Yes, the scent of high-grade, uncut, un-stepped upon football is in the air in Fort Worth and it smells kind of like a skunk if he were baking macaroons.

"Big 12 CoachWatch" Hotseat Threat Level: PURPLE HAZE

Bob Stoops, OU

Stoops is starting to feel the heat. Another supposedly banner year will slip by without a national championship barring a miracle, and winning a Big 12 title is doubtful too. Losing at home does not sit well with the petulant Sooner who is accustomed to a certain standard of winning most if not all of their regular season games especially the home ones, then either blowing a big bowl or beating a turd like UConn. Sooner nation mouthpiece Barry Switzer has voiced his displeasure at the lack of talent the team is fielding, and Stoops' 2000 championship free pass is fading. But Sooners are hopeful that QB Landry Jones will finally understand that there will never be a rendering of his pube-stash in stone outside of Gaylord Memorial, and that new blood in the position will be better. Could Stoops get fired this season? No, even if he didn't make a bowl. Will Sooner fans seethe with inner rage and outward abandonment of apparel featuring a university that they have no connection with outside of athletics? Almost certainly. Will it be fun to watch the certain unraveling in Norman? Hell yes.

"Big 12 CoachWatch" Hotseat Threat Level: GRAB SOME POPCORN


Dana Holgorsen, WVU

Getting West Virginia to a BCS bowl in his first year as coach has bought Holgo time in Morgantown. Holgorsen is thought by many to be one of those genius offensive football minds and will probably only ever get shitcanned if it is by the unraveling of his own crazy lifestyle. A scenario involving herculean amounts of Red Bull and Vodka, a West Virginia indian gaming facility, and a dead co-ed, some poor, mixed-up 'snack' with daddy issues that was maybe just in the wrong place at the wrong time, is the odds on favorite for the spectacular end of the Holgo saga that we are all sure will someday play out. It won't matter. In the event of some grand meltdown, Holgo will just lock all witnesses in an equipment shed and torch the place just like Coach Leach taught him to all those years ago. But until then, it is nothing but L-I-V-I-N' for Dana. Intravenous Red Bull and blowjobs while skydiving LIVIN'.

"Big 12 CoachWatch" Hotseat Threat Level: HOLGO WILL NOT BE KILLED BY CONVENTIONAL METHODS


Paul Rhodes, ISU

Of thirty-two coaches all time at Iowa State, only three have stayed in Ames more than six years. You know why? Because coach of ISU is one damn tough gig. That's probably why ISU brass was quick to jump into bed with Rhodes for a ten-year, $20 million contract. Breaking even three seasons in a row is absolutely thrilling to an ISU fan, so Rhodes is in little danger of being fired. What's more is Rhodes has ISU out to a 3-0 start this season and was the only team to beat OSU last season. The team actually is showing signs that it might be improving. Which is exactly when coaches have a tendency to exit stage left after the season for greener pastures. It would make a better prediction to say that in the coming season Rhodes will fire ISU for some other school.

"Big 12 CoachWatch" Hotseat Threat Level: NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS HERE SOMEHOW ISU WILL END UP THE ONE BEING SCREWED

Mack Brown, UT

Mack Brown's Longhorns were used to nothing less than a nine win season under Brown until 2010. The 5-7 year had Texas fans baying for blood and they were sated by the overhaul of the coaching staff in the 2011 off-season. 8-5 is what they got. This year, Texas is back in the rankings on a couple of cupcake wins and a thrashing of a weaker than normal Ole Miss. Hopes are high that QB David Ash is not the same Ash that threw two picks and no touchdowns against OSU last season, because if Brown has another 8 win year out of the rankings he may be put out to pasture.

"Big 12 CoachWatch" Hotseat Threat Level: LETS GO COWBOYS - DO IT TO SEE A STORIED COACH GET SHITCANNED

Charlie Weis, KU

Kansas used to be good. Rather, they had one year where they actually looked formidable, and were coached well, if not brusquely, by a large, moon-faced, great big fat person. Now they have a chance with another LM-FGBFP at their disposal, Charlie Weis. As a first year coach, Weis has a couple of years for a turnaround (Turner Gill was so bad they might give him three years), and he will have to do it without calling his players "Topeka Ghetto Wheat Scum Trash" or having 46 pizzas delivered to the stadium office then getting all mad when other coaches ask for a slice like Mangino used to.

"Big 12 CoachWatch" Hotseat Threat Level: THE TEAM SUCKS BUT AT LEAST KU DOESNT HAVE TO BUY NEW TRACKSUITS

Tommy Tuberville, TTU

The Texas Tech athletic department loves firing and hiring coaches. It is almost their own sick, twisted sport in Lubbock, to see how many coaches with questionable backgrounds they can hire in a five year period, then fire in increasingly bizarre fashions. There was Leach's equipment shed incarceration of the highly-connected receiver. Gillespe in the infirmary with the 'health concerns' after torturing his players. It's like the board game 'Clue' over there. It might actually be refreshing to see a coach get fired at Tech this season solely for their performance on the field, and not their sordid personalities.

"Big 12 CoachWatch" Hotseat Threat Level: TUBERVILLE, WITH THE LEAD PIPE, IN THE CONSERVATORY FULL OF HOOKERS

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