ARE YOU GOING TO THE GAME?
If not, and you are (a.) a student at OSU, (b.)OSU alumni living within a 30-mile radius of Stillwater, OK, or (c.) a University of Oklahoma student, fan, or alumnus or alumna living anywhere within the continental United States, the non-continental United States, Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, or the Northern Mariana Islands, or any other part of the world excluding any sovereign entities existing within international waters, this is what should happen to you:
1. You should be made to drink four glasses of Theta Pond water. The first will taste bad, like poison and dirt. The second will taste more neutral, but it will still seem like drinking Mexican water. The third is when the hallucinations will kick in. Yes, that is Jimi Hendrix jamming out with former OSU President David J. Schmidley on the steps of Edmon Low. GO TO THEM. After glass number four is when all your clothes will magically disintegrate (bonus points for being a hot lady), and you will be dancing, gyrating to the passionate, walling guitar strains of Jimi, the bluesy, atmospheric keyboard of President Schmidley, and, of course, Jim Morrison on vocals. This will not seem at all like a punishment until university police arrive to take you away. Also, there will be an intense physical withdraw later.
2. Banishment to Norman. In the case of an eligible Sooner (See above), the banishment will be to Austin, TX.
3. Clean the bathrooms at George's Stables. Self-explanatory.
4. Personally explain to Eddie Sutton why you aren't attending. The second you see his scowl, you will instinctively start running stadium steps and doing squat thrusts simultaneously, apologizing profusely.. If you are an eligible Sooner (see above), your punishment is to explain to Eddie Sutton for simply existing.
5. Forced to be general contractor that hires only migratory Sooner fans from the parking lot of the Stillwater Lowe's contracted to do carpentry work on Mike Gundy's mansion. Again, this one is self-explanatory.