It's CRFF's First Annual "Don't Read Sports Illustrated Day"!

Andy Kropa

Hey, sportsfans! You know that favorite sports magazine of yours that comes in the mail once a week? Or the magazine that you go out to the local newsstand to buy every Tuesday? Or that magazine that covers the bottom of the cage of your pet cockatoo that you sometimes glance at between cleanings? Or if you are under the age of 20, the sports website that was originally paid for and founded by subscriptions to what were once know as periodicals, an archaic form of print media designed to be read on airplanes and in dentists offices? Well, today that old favorite is no better than any Maoist commie rag that you'd find on the east side of Beijing. Today, the sign of the Apocalypse is a slanderous article about OSU athletics that could shake the foundation of our school to its core. Will CRFF stand idly by? NO, WE BOYCOTT....

If you are unfortunate enough to have a subscription to SI, you can still participate in "CRFFDRSID" without fear of being wasteful.  Here is a list of neat things you can do with today's copy without having to be exposed to the vicious pack of craven, yellow lies contained within:

5 alternative things you can do with a copy of Sports Illustrated:

  1. Mail it back to the Time & Life Building with “NEEDS MORE PING-PONG” written on the front in red Sharpie. 
  2. If you don’t care what the person thinks of you, it makes a great gift. Folded, it also makes a great hat!
  3. Put some copies under your clothes for extra girth.
  4. Find as many lies, fabrications, assumptions posing as facts, and hidden agendas as you can in one issue, then try and beat that record the next issue.
  5. Masturbate to it (“swimsuit edition” only).

If you have decided that having such a dastardly, dubious, duplicitous document in your possession is too much for you to handle, simply drop off unwanted copies of SI into any "CRFFDRSID" approved receptacles (or your nearest trash can) and KING will be around shortly with a flamethrower.   Thanks for your participation and cooperation!

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