*******************UPDATE 2/18 @ 1:30pm Eastern*********************
Kelly Hines tweeted this out just a little while ago...
So no "cotillion." Damn it! Gonna be tough to return those tshirts...
Anyway, this has Gundy and Holder written all over it. Gundy didn't want a "game" and Holder knows the fan base will go nuts if they don't get a chance to see the players moving around at least a little bit. Probably will be interesting to most. I'd definitely go.
I'm guessing quarterbacks will be working on shovel passes all day, and Tyreek Hill will be working on his blocking...
Every season the spring schedule is announced, and that includes the date for the Spring Game.
Cowboy fans one and all mark that date on their calendars.
This year they had to use an eraser...or maybe some white-out...
A date of April 12 was announced, then suddenly went bye-bye and became TBD.
Can you imagine a scenario where Gundy would be upset if the Spring Game was cancelled? No conversation about performance...schemes...QUARTERBACKS...
Given that possibility, we at CRFF are prepared for the unspeakable (don't worry, we at CRFF don't know ANYTHING. Really, we don't know ANYTHING. Haven't heard ANYTHING. Really. NOTHING. Honestly [coughs, clears throat]).
I think you get our point.
With a concern for OSU fans everywhere, we have put together the details for an imaginary Spring Game so that we can all rally around news about our beloved football team, because obviously there might be no "real" news regarding the goings on of some of the most highly anticipated recruits in program history.
Without further adeau, here's your 2014 Spring Cotillion (with a nod towards PFB)...
WHETSELL: Thanks for joining us today, folks, for Oklahoma State’s 2014 Spring Cotillion. This is Whetsell, along with my colleague King, calling today’s action for you.
We have a beautiful day here in "La La Land," perfect conditions for an outdoor dance, because of course there will be no real football played here today.
The starting QB’s for today's "game," if that’s what you want to call it, will be J.W. Walsh for the Orange and Daxx Garman for the White.
KING: We’re not sure why, but Daxx seems to be wearing a pair of handcuffs while JW appears to be stuck in a Chinese finger trap. Hopefully they’ll get that worked out before play begins.
W: Seems like that could be make it tough on the passing game.
K: Passing? Gundy has already assured us that we won’t see anything that remotely resembles a forward pass today.
W: The Orange team has won the toss and elected to receive. As you are all aware, there are no actual kickoffs or returns in the spring cotillion.
K: Yes, it’s one of the few things Gundy does with this event that is not centered around avoiding conversation with the media regarding players. He’s actually genuinely concerned about injuries, and eliminating this contact is a big part of that.
W: It appears the White squad’s defense is made up entirely of cheerleaders. King, what do you make of this?
K: It actually looks like cheerleaders, some guy in a wheel chair, and the contractor Gundy fired, and he appears to be wearing his "Oklahoma Sooners" tshirt. Whetsell, this is obviously an attempt to boost JW’s confidence after looking more like Alex Cate than Brandon Weeden last season.
W: The ball is awarded to the Orange team at their own 25.
Walsh takes the snap and it’s a handoff straight ahead to Roland. He breaks through the line untouched! He might go all the way! He’s at the 40…50…40…30…changes direction at the 20…and is taken down at White’s 14 yard line. 61 yards on the opening play by Roland! King, that was a strange end to the play. Roland appeared to be in the clear and it looked like he intentionally ran into the defender.
K: Well, we know Roland is no Tyreek Hill, and there are a couple of those cheerleaders with decent speed, so….oh hell, who the fuck am I kidding. He could have taken it all the way if he hadn't stopped to stab the contractor.
W: Well that brings us to an injury timeout while they attend to the contractor. It’s hard to tell if there is a lot of bleeding as there was already a lot of red on his tshirt.
Ok, looks like the contractor is walking off under his own power and we’re ready to resume play.
Here’s the snap…and it’s another handoff to Roland straight ahead. He walks in untouched for the score! Orange takes the lead 7-0! Wait a minute…the scoreboard continues to read 0-0. King, what’s going on?
K: Oh, that’s simple. If there is never any score, that mean’s Gundy doesn’t have to discuss the player or the play. Hell, at 0-0, who’s to say that a "game" even took place. We’re calling it the "Cotillion" for fuck’s sake. That sounds like a dance, and we all know Gundy is more than willing to talk about his and everyone else’s dancing.
W: Thanks for that brilliant insight, King. Now back to the "game," as the White is inexplicably awarded the ball at their own 2 yard line. Is it me, or is the Orange defense actually wearing Seattle Seahawks uniforms?
K: You’re quite right, Whetsell. This is actually the real Seahawks defense on loan from Seattle. Gundy did mention that Glenn Spencer was doing some special off season work to replace all the losses on that side of the ball, and it appears that he got some financial assistance from Boone.
W: Strange goings on here, but it is the "Cotillion," so we should expect the unexpected. Here’s the White’s first play from scrimmage. Daxx takes the snap and is IMMEDIATELY smothered in the end zone for a safety by all eleven defenders. King, that looked a little rough for an event where Gundy tries real hard to control the contact.
K: Yea, word is Gundy had a meeting with the "defense" and said if Daxx so much as got in a position that even looked like he was preparing to throw the football, they would all end up playing for the new CFL franchise in Nome, Alaska. Gundy figures if anyone actually sees Garman throw a football in live action, he’s going to have to deal with questions about a quarterback competition. As we can see, this whole exercise is about avoiding anything that looks like actual football.
W: While we have a moment, speaking of QB’s, we haven’t seen Mason Rudolph. King, have you heard anything?
K: Rumor is he might be a fucking vampire. Nobody has seen him in the light of day since he came to campus, and all of his HS games were played at night.
W: But what about that "all-star" game he played in?
K: That? The lighting was CGI. Some excuse about messing up the kid’s biorhythms or something. It was actually played at 1am in the morning. Why do think his game winning drive looked so easy? The defense was sleep walking.
W: Ok then. It looks like the Orange has been awarded the ball at the White’s 45. King, it appears every advantage is being afforded the Orange squad today, although there is no score, and now it appears no time being kept on the scoreboard.
K: If there was time being kept, and a score, that would indicate actual football took place. I think I’ve already cleared up any confusion about that. You were listening earlier, right? Or were you fucking daydreaming again about your recently acquired bootleg "Diamond Formation Plays" DVD? Dude, you might have a problem. I think you need to get help.
W: I’ll be fine. I’ve got it under control. Enough of that as we return to the action.
Walsh takes the snap and drops back to pass. He looks left, points at Seales who is waiving his arms frantically. JW puts some mustard on it, but the ball comes out end over end and drills one of the cheerleaders in the face! She miraculously holds onto the ball, but it appears rhinoplasty may be in her future. She’s not likely to return, although White gets the game’s first turnover.
King, I thought you said we wouldn’t see any passing today?
K: Are you telling me that resembled a forward pass? And it’s "cotillion," Whetsell. Remember what Gundy said?
W: Please, this is getting ridiculous. What’s he going to do, make me go hang out on the message boards at OrangePower.com?
K: He just might. Even still, why take the chance?
W: Ok, fine. Back to action, as White takes over at their own 37 following the turnover. Looks like the Seahawks D is back on the field. This time Garman hands off quickly to Rennie Childs and he takes it for a 7 yard gain on the play. Looks like the defense totally relaxed once they saw the handoff, King.
K: I told you, Daxx doesn’t pull the trigger or they will be chasing musk ox on the real frozen tundra. They could give a shit about anything else. Childs would have scored if not for his own lineman knocking him down. I hear this new OL coach Connelly has some interesting strategies, but it’s hard to find much since he never seems to be anyplace longer than a couple seasons.
W: Well it looks like a passing formation for the White with Garman all alone in the backfield. Tyreek Hill is split left for the first time today. Here’s the snap, and….wait, what was that? Was that an incomplete pass? Daxx is standing in the backfield with his arms at his side, and the rest of the players have hardly moved. I didn’t hear the refs blow the play dead. How did Hill end up on the right?
K: Well Whetsell, I’ve heard about Hill’s speed, but that was incredible! That was a direct snap to Hill who went in motion and attempted a halfback pass. Gundy’s going to have to work on that as it appears nobody else was prepared for how fast that would happen. The utter brilliance of Gundy was on full display there as none of us actually believe we saw a play, so it’s like nothing happened. Don’t have to talk about what didn’t happen.
W: Stunning, just stunning. So now the White team has a 3rd and 3 from their own 44. Garman drops back and is under immediate pressure, jukes a defender, and takes off down the sideline for a 28 yard gain! Wow, he looked even better than Walsh running the ball.
Wait, now Gundy is heatedly signaling for a timeout. Gundy appears to be really upset with Daxx, and it looks like he’s pulling him from the game. King, thoughts?
K: Well Gundy is obviously upset with Garman for running on a pass play, as now he will have to find a way to avoid talking about that. With no sign of Mason Rudolph, Walsh is going to quarterback both teams. I’ve gotten word from Robert Allen that the Seahawks players have collected their checks and are now headed to the club level for drinks and "snacks."
W: Wow, I didn’t realize Allen was working the broadcast today.
K: He’s not. He just happened to be in the Club level suite where the BBQ buffet is set up.
W: Ok then. Back on the field, it looks like the cheerleaders are also playing both ways.
K: I always wondered about them.
W: Defense, King. Defense. Anyway, Walsh drops back, looks to have plenty of time and throws it directly to the previously stabbed contractor for another interception! It looks like the contractor has aggravated the previous injury in making the play.
K: Yea, looks like he may have opened up some of the stitches. Gundy is vehemently waving off the trainers and medical staff, and appears to be yelling something about a "suit" at the contractor. Not sure what that is about because the contractor is obviously not wearing a suit, but I’ll try to find out more about that.
W: Looks like they are leaving the contractor on the field for now and have moved play to the opposite end. This could be the end of the first quarter as the teams are taking a break.
K: No quarters or halves, Whetsell. Remember, no time or points.
W: Right. The Orange squad will take over at their own 12 when we come back. This must be a lesson in learning to "shake it off" as Gundy once again sends Walsh out to run the offense. They have finally removed the contractor from the field.
K: Word from upstairs is that he's probably going to join the Sochi snowflake guy in a labor camp somewhere.
W: Childs is in the backfield with Walsh, takes the handoff and scoots around the right end for 42 yards!
K: Yes Whetsell, he would have gone all the way if not for running over the guy in the wheelchair.
W: That seems a bit odd. Couldn’t he have easily avoided him?
K: I suppose, but it’s all good. Childs appears to be helping the guy pick up a paper bag full of an undisclosed amount of cash and, wow, what a gesture! The guy in the wheelchair is giving Childs the cash, obviously because Childs was so generous to go out of his way to help him up.
W: Yes, great work by Childs. Glad to see such behavior being rewarded. Gundy has always been about taking care of his guys, and as SI pointed out so eloquently, that’s one of the reasons recruiting has improved at OSU.
Back to the action, as the Orange now have a first and goal at the White 7. Walsh takes the shotgun snap, rolls right, fumbles, picks the ball up, and starts running the wrong direction! Walsh suddenly goes down in a heap as it looks like he was hit by something thrown from the sidelines.
K: Wow, Yurcich just showed a great arm as he launched his bag of special "offensive coordinator" legos at Walsh. Only 18 yards the wrong way before being knocked down.
W: Ok, now it’s second and goal from the 25. Walsh under center this time. Looks like Yurcich has taken to the field to try and coach up his struggling quarterback, but the Big 12 refs working today call the coach for illegal motion. Not sure what just happened, but now it's second and goal from the 30. This is interesting. Gundy has called the entire team to the sideline for a quick meeting. King, what do you think is going on?
King? King? He better not be out getting another "Coke."
Looks like this could take a while, so you might as well grab a grillaroni while we wait to find out what this is about. Of course if you are having a grillaroni you’re not here, which would make sense because there’s actually nothing here to see, as alluded to earlier by King. It looks like the meeting is breaking up so…oh, King, there you are. What took you so long?
K: Had to get a refill of my Coke.
W: Let me see that.
W: What’s the matter, I just want a small sip.
K: It’s my collector cup of Coke. Nobody touches my collector cup.
W: Ok, just let me have a whiff. I love the smell of Coke.
K: Dude, you’re weird, and you’re not smelling my Coke. Besides, I’ve already downed most of it and I’m feeling really good right now, so don’t fuck with my vibe. You act like I might have something else in this cup besides Coke.
W: Oh no, I would never suspect that. BTW, what happened to that bottle of Jim Beam Berry Trammel gave you earlier? I remember it being full and unopened.
K: Shut up. It’s a little chilly hear today. Fella needs a little something to "warm up."
W: Chilly? That would imply that we are actually here. You’ve reminded me repeatedly that nothing is actually happening.
K: I’m just fully embracing my role. Now fuck off and call the rest of this imaginary bullshit.
W: Well it looks like the huddle has broken up and the teams have returned to the field. It’s second and goal from the Orange 30. Walsh takes the shotgun snap, rolls right, hands off to Ra’Shaad Samples on the reverse but Samples mishandles the exchange. Walsh picks it up and almost takes it in for the TD. Looks like the refs will mark it down an inch short of the goal line.
K: Yes, he should have taken it in for the score, but it looks like he got tangled up with the guy in the wheelchair. Walsh helps him up, and now the guy is introducing Walsh to an attractive blonde woman in a tight orange sweater. Walsh is walking towards the tunnel with her, but Yurcich grabs him and directs him back to the field.
W: It looks like everyone is prepared for a play under center, but now Yurcich is waiving and directing the offense for a shotgun snap. Walsh takes the ball and rolls right, and lofts what I’m only going to guess is supposed to be a fade to Marcell Ateman, but the ball lands 10 rows deep in the seats for some lucky fan. Unfortunately the people in attendance are all wearing blinders, so nobody even knows anything is going on.
Gundy sends in Grogan for a chip shot FG attempt. The snap and hold are good, but the ball comes out low and glances off the back of the center’s helmet, then off the inside of the right upright. It does manage to go through, so now the Orange have the only successful drives of the day.
K: What drives?
W: Right. So the White team gets the ball at their own 25, and Walsh is in at QB. The defense for the Orange team now looks like all the receivers from the scout team.
K: No Whetsell, it’s actually now 22 on 0. There is no defense.
W: Should be interesting, as Walsh drops back to pass. He’s got all the time in the world back there, no pressure at all. He takes his time, surveys the field, and checks down to Seales, who takes it all the way for the score!!
K: Wonderful. Seales showed great elusiveness and speed.
W: Exactly. Now the Orange have the ball on their own 25, and it looks like we have the same 22 on 0 scenario. Walsh is alone in the backfield and takes the shotgun snap. He’s once again under no pressure, but seems to be having trouble finding an open receiver. He tucks the ball and takes off, but is intentionally tripped by Ateman, who is now standing over him yelling something. Yurcich is shaking his head on the sideline. Walsh jumps up, pumping his fist, but the previously blindfolded crowd has discovered that there is no actual game going on and has gone to Eskimo Joe’s for cheese fries.
Walsh quickly gets the team back to the line of scrimmage. He takes a shotgun snap and rolls left, lobbing a wobbly pass downfield and it’s…INTERCEPTED??? The officials are indicating a turnover.
K: Big 12 officials.
W: Oh, right. Well, it’s getting late as darkness starts to surround BPS. The lights come on as the White offense comes on the field. What’s this? Mason Rudolph has come on the field as QB for the White team! King, I thought you said…
K: The sun has gone down, Whetsell. You’ve never seen "Blade?"
W: Never. Anyway, the empty stands are suddenly full, and there’s some guy hanging over the railing screaming "RUDOLPHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
K: I’m not sure, but that could be my buddy Lamb. At least he’s dressed.
W: The White squad lines up, and it looks like the actual defense is on the field for the Orange team. The crowd is roaring as Rudolph takes the shotgun snap and zips a dart over the middle to Hill, who is gone!!! No, literally, I mean he’s gone. He vanished the minute he caught the ball.
Wait, the officials are indicating that they blew the play dead.
K: Yep, that play never happened.
W: Now we’re hearing an announcement that the game is being called due to too much excitement from the fan base.
K: I’m pretty sure he just said, "Get the fuck out." Is it me, or did that actually sound like Gundy? I don't see him on the field.
W: Folks, it looks like we’re done here. The fans are booing and some are spilling over the walls onto the field.
K: Yes! Storm the field! Can’t argue with this, fans gotta release that pent up emotion.
W: This is great, can’t wait for Gundy’s presser on Monday.
K: What presser?
W: The one he has every Monday following the game on Saturday.
K: What game?
W: Oh right, the "Cotillion."
K: What Cotillion?
W: What the hell, you mean we can’t even have a dance? Have we turned into Baylor??
K: You want to win, right? Just remember, there was no actual game. Nothing worth talking about happened here. I’ve never seen Gundy so happy and at peace.
Enjoy your summer everyone.
See you in Dallas-Fort Worth for Florida State.