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Who Is Ready For Washington State?

I am ready for Washington State...the wastedoptimism Washington State Team Preview that is*. After the months of buildup and UGA-rections leading up to last year's opener, this season's opening matchup with Wazzou is flying in under the radar. The reasons for this are:

  1. Washington State is terrible at playing football
  2. See reason #1, but add the adjective "fucking" in there somewhere. I count four places where it would fit very well.

There is such a high level of un-ticipation about this matchup, that I have seen zero previews for it anywhere on the internet ....and I check three internet sites a day. So where others may see a lack of interest, I see a sweet spot in the market where there is no supply of Washington State previews to satiate the lack of demand. I guess now is a good time to let you know that I have no idea how supply and demand works. So without further ado... The official wastedoptimism Washington State Preview.

*2010 Intro Award Candidate

Click jump for the rest of the preview

Fun Facts About Washington State
They play their home games in Pullman, Washington, at Martin Stadium which holds 35,000 people....Lewis Field laughs at Martin Stadium from the grave. Their mascot is named Butch T. Cougar which is awesome, and their basketball coach is named Ken Bone which is awesomer. Notable football alumni include: Drew Bledsoe, Ryan Leaf, Jack Elway, and Mark Rypien earning Washington State the just now appointed nickname, "Do Not Draft Our QB's U". On the other end of the spectrum, Dolph Lundgren and Roy Orbison were once Cougars, and everyone should draft them. And that is the entire history of Washington State. Don't you almost feel like you went there?

Recent Football History at Washington State
Well... let's go ahead and say that as O-State fans, we should be thanking our lucky Pickens every day that we are not Washington State. Since taking over the feces covered head coaching reigns two years ago, Paul Wulff is a gruesome 3-22. And keep in mind, these last two seasons were played in the Pac-10... and not the new, exciting, hypothetical, Texas and Oklahoma school infused Pac-10. This was in the "regular ol' perennially battling with Conference USA for the 5th best football conference" Pac-10. In fact, Washington State's most recent winning record and bowl appearance was the 2003 season when they inexplicably beat a pre-felon Cedric Benson lead Longhorn team in the Holiday Bowl. So ya, it is safe to say that Paul Wulff is coaching to keep his job this year... but lucky for him, a four win season or a win over Washington would probably be enough to save him.

Washington State's "Offense"
It's real bad. I could end this section here. But i guess I will go on about the offense that averaged 12 points a game last year. The Cougar offense is lead by sophomore QB Jeff Tuel who showed some promise last season going 14-22 for 130 yards after being inserted into the USC game and actually keeping it reasonably close... then having his breakout game versus Cal, throwing for 354 yards and two TDs. Then Tuel had a couple of shitty games and suffered a season ending knee injury. Yes.. this is the background of their most promising offensive player.

O-State will also need to watch out for 6'4 junior wideout, Jared Karstetter. Similar to Tuel, he showed some flashes last season, despite mostly unimpressive stats, that could point to slightly above average performances to come.

One thing O-State will not need to worry about... Washington State jumping out to an early lead. For the entire 2009 season.. the Cougars managed a total of 6 first quarter points. To clarify: that is not an average.. that is a total..six points... for the whole season.

I'm sure your next question is: "What kind of an offensive scheme powers this jugernaut?". Well... the Cougs offense tries to bring a little confusion into the mix by running a lot of no-huddle, misdirection, and designed QB runs. None of this has worked (see above...and below...really every part of this preview displays examples of things not working). The Cougar offense makes an attempt at having a balanced attack with 432 pass plays versus running the ball 354 times in 2009.. but averaging 2.4 yards per carry tells me that rather than attempting to run it...ever... the OC would be better off giving the ball to a seven foot tall dude who just falls forward.

I think it is safe to say that with the (is there a work that is worse than futility?) shit-tility (yes!) of the running game, and the "emergence" of Tuel, Karstetter, and #2 WR Gino Simone, we can expect Tuel to be dropping back quite a bit when the Cougars visit Stillwater. Once dropped back into the "pocket", whether Tuel will actually be able to throw the ball will be a huge question mark as last season Washington State ranked 119th in sacks allowed. If O-State is able to get pressure without sending a linebacker, it will be a long day for the Wash State offense, and the guy that runs the "Sack Scoreboard" (assuming it gets invented).

Now I understand that the O-State defense is young, unproven, and will be making a lot of adjustments throughout their first game of the season... however, anything less than a shutout should be considered a failure. In fact... I would put the over/under for Wash State total points at -barfanus. A number I just made up that is a combination of "barf" and "anus" preceded by a negative sign that I feel is the most accurate expectation of the Cougars offensive output that I can come up with.

Well I am running out of time tonight (that unbelievable photoshop job of the tall dude took sooooo long). I will put up Part 2 of the preview tomorrow since I know everyone is horny for more.

Click Here for Part 2