(Former OSU Coach and Foundation Repair pitchman Pat Jones, left of center, talking to camera):
"Hello, friends!
‘Is the foundation of your faith in your OSU Cowboys shaken, by and large, because an unsteady former coach is berating your team at every turn?
‘Do my predictions of losses by your BCS burning Cowboys to teams who are three-and-three make you unsure of your OSU alliances and whatnot?
‘Does it depress you that Barry Sanders’ and Thurman Thomas’ former coach is now working as the OU media’s most unlikely mouthpiece?
‘Does wearing ORANGE on T.V. while I badmouth STATE on the radio strike you as slightly hypocritical?
'Was I correct in telling Tulsa World sports columnist Dave Sittler that, by and large, ‘Those OU coaches don't give a rat's-ass what OSU is doing' last week?
'Let’s ask my best friend, former OU head coach, Barry Switzer. Coach?"
(Jump to hear the rest of "beloved OSU coach" Pat Jones’ sales pitch! BUT BEWARE THE BUYER’S REMORSE)
(Jones): "No, sorry, Coach. I was just talking to my friends here--"
(Switzer, now onscreen, infuriated): "You goddamned ‘Halloweenie’! (sigh) How many fucking times....?"
(Jones): "Coach, you promised---"
(Switzer): "--Once I tell you to do something Jones, you bald headed runt, I expect you to fucking do it! Now make yourself useful for once and get out to the Barry Switzer Center so you can scrub the pee outta the sidewalk."
(Jones): "There was a lot of urine over there after the TCU loss, too...
"Coach, while me and my OSU friends are talking, would you like to weigh in on how it is, by and large, I am able to smile and hawk things like foundation repair and whatnot to these good folks under the guise of being the Eddie Sutton of OSU Football when I’m really somewhere between Bob Simmons and Jim Stanley, while, on the same hand, having time to berate OSU football to the local media at every turn?"
(Switzer): "Because you’re a goddamned good liar. And a traitor. Better than Charlie Thompson, and he was the best. That’s why we keep you around, Patty."
(Jones, pleading): "Please, Coach."
(Switzer, facetiously): "It’s a term of affection, Patty. There is that other reason we keep you around..."
(Jones defiant, but scared): "No, Coach. Not on camera."
(Switzer): "Don’t worry, Jones. I won’t tell the ‘Pokers’ about your little problem..." (Coughs---"INDEBTED TO CASTIGLIONE MAFIA"---Coughs)
(Jones, now visibly anxious and pleading) "C’mon, Coach!?"
(Switzer pushes Jones off-screen)
(Switzer): "Hey, assholes! Listen up! You think Patty over there gives a shit about you or your Pokes?! Are you hurt by his betrayal because you associate Pat Jones with your celebrated 1980’s teams? Did you buy the extra-deluxe-OSU-foundation-repair package for your home just because of these misguided predilections?...
‘Put it to you this way; having Pat Jones talk shit on your football program isn’t necessarily a bad thing...
‘Let me ask you this; you think "letter-jacket" over there even knows dick about football in the first place? He never beat me, and I was stoned on coke to the gills in '88.":
(Jones, back in frame, unsteadily): "Ba-rry, could we p-p-lease--"
(Switzer, with a violent rage only SWITZER could produce): "You will call me COACH!"
(Switzer tries to give Jones a swift doe-pop to the forehead with his 1985 Orange Bowl ring, but Jones, ever the self-protectionist, wields a foundation appraiser’s level unto Switzer’s immaculate hairline, bringing forth gore)
(Switzer, emerges onscreen, bloody, from ground):
"ARGGG....foundation repair is the most crucial....argghhh....element....oooh-hoo....get cracks out of your life....ARRGHH...."
(Jones): Coach, you are right-on-the-money as always. Thank you for letting my friends here, by and large, know the truth about me, part of the very foundation of their undefeated Cowboy football team. They couldn’t have done it without me.
(...) ---
(...) ---
(Jones): Hello? Friends?