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The Great Poke Choke: 2011 Edition

Yup, a fat slow white dude beat us. Someone shit in my cereal.
Yup, a fat slow white dude beat us. Someone shit in my cereal.

Well that sucked. I apologize for the lateness of this post, but just now, four days after the fact, can I actually write something substantial (my first 3 drafts were just "fuckfuckfuckfuckWeedenfuckfuckfuck" repeated for 5000 words). However, just because I've returned to rational thought don't think this will be sunshine and titties. No one will be spared (and that includes players, whom I normally avoid ripping by name, but you know what, screw em). So if you want to hear what we did right I'll sum it up for you:

We found the stadium, didn't make it on time, but at least we found it. That's it, the only positive from the entire night is that we found the stadium.

Now then, on to the negatives after the jump:

(And I should state now, I give zero credit to Iowa State. We out sucked them, they didn't beat us. Their qb missed open guys by 20 yards, and outside of Blackmon the coverage was terrible. And we lost. That's on us. You know you've shit the bed when the other head coach says a perfect storm helped them win. Jesus, I'm so pissed right now. Call me a sore loser (I am), whatever, but it's hard not to be after the worst loss in OSU history)

Offensive Suckage:

Brandon Weeden:

What's 28 and cries like a girl with a skinned knee after literally throwing the game away? Weed-gina, that's who. That wasn't the Weeden I've known (though I'm afraid it's the one we're stuck with). The Weeden I know has 12 pound balls and wins football games. That was the guy who couldn't compete enough in practice to pass Alex Cate on the depth chart. Of his 3 interceptions, one was excusable (if any can be excused), because it was a tipped pass, though that one directly led to defeat. Other than that, he threw one totally up for grabs instead of just taking the sack, and one he threw low and behind (which was also tipped). Aside from that he was inconsistent all night, unable to get into any rhythm, constantly off the mark, and still had 3 TD's and 400+ yards. Weeden's biggest failing came in leading the team. Every person out there looked like they didn't give a shit (including Gundy, who looked like he wanted to cry all night), and Weeden was unable to rally anybody. I've seen porn directors with more control over a set than TMDM had over this team Friday.

The Entire Run Game:

Randle has had a bad two weeks, fumbling four times and only getting 99 yards in two games. I'm guessing he was afraid of contact in Lubbock because he didn't want AIDS, but I don't think he has an excuse this week. Whenever Randle did see the tiniest of holes (which were few and far between thanks to the O-Line suckage), he would do the Gundy inside them instead of running through them. Smith has two pins in his knuckle so he can't do much, yet is somehow still the backup, even though Herschel Sims is perfectly healthy and runs like a beast when he get's a chance. Why Sims did not see even ONE FUCKING CARRY in that game is beyond me, but I'll never know because Gundy doesn't have a presser on bye weeks. Awesome. As bad as Randle and Smith were, the offensive line was, well, offensive. They had very little push all night, were lax in their protection (which has been rock solid all year til now), and generally lacked any fight at all. You know how sometimes your wife will just let you bang her, and will just kinda lay there, waiting for you to finish (which for mine is about 2 minutes)? Well that's how our line played, except they had to ride out an hour. I expected more from our guys, especially on a night when seemingly nothing could go right.

(Want to know how bad our run game was Friday? We rushed for 65 yards against a team that gives up almost 200 yards a game on the ground. I haz a sad.)

Justin Blackmon:

This years version of the O-State superstar receiver doesn't get a pass for this game (fun side game, who will be our next stud? My money's on Harrison). I didn't think there was a corner on this earth that could handle JB one on one, and much like how I thought she was a virgin, I was wrong. He faced single coverage for a good part of the night and he couldn't get free. I think he actually played better in double coverage. That he couldn't have his way on this D still shocks me. And I don't give a crap he had 99 yards and a TD, he should have doubled that, easily.

The Playcalling:

A blow job and a back rub (it's the back rub that sets my deal apart) to the man who can figure out what our "offensive scheme" Friday was. Hell, I don't even know if Monken had any idea what he was doing. Especially in the second half, it seems he was just throwing darts at his playbook and choosing plays that way. Considering all the pressure the Cyclones were bringing, I kept waiting for a screen, or something deep, or some sweeps (you know you've hit rock bottom as a Poke fan when you're wanting a toss sweep) to keep em honest and slow em down, but I never saw em. What I did see were delay draws, that usually went like this:

Weeden takes the snap back to pass; Iowa State brings heat and are already in the back field; Weeden hands off and gets the hell out of the way as Randle or Smith are smoked for a 3 yard loss.

That play was fucking money. Monken,being the NFL'r that he is, loves that crap. It never works. ISU dared us to beat them through the air, they cheated on the run all game. If I were calling the game I would have gone 5 wide and said "bring it". But hey, what do I know, I'm just an asshole on the internet. Really though, our version of the greatest show on turf made the ISU defense (91st in the country, sadly enough I'd kill to be ranked that high) look the Steelers. Considering the experience and size of our line, I figured even if they put 9 in the box we could still run if we wanted. False, incorrect. It really only took 5 to shut our run game down.

Defensive Suckage:

Bill Young:

Should be fired. Or take the high road and resign. Bill Young is a blight on our defense. Let's look at some numbers (everyone loves numbers). Young was hired in early 2009. This is his third years as our defensive coordinator, and currently we're 105th in total defense. Last year we were 78th. The year before that we were 31st. We have gotten SUBSTANTIALLY SHITTIER EACH YEAR HE HAS BEEN HERE. If you believe that we had better athletes in 2009 than we do now you're smoking crack or Mack Brown. He keeps saying we need more athletes. I have news for you Billy, when it's 3rd and 9, AND YOU PLAY 12 YARDS SOFT, you leave a good chance of the opponent getting the 9 yards. I'm literally shaking right now, I hate that man so much.

Cincy and myself argued last year about the defense, but I think even he is on the fire Bill Young band wagon. I keep hearing how great a coordinator he is, and how lucky we are to have him. Well, apparently even with all that knowledge and experience, he has never seen a mobile quarterback. Ever. Hey Bill, I have an idea STOP BLITZING AND USE A FUCKING SPY YOU ASS. Good God, Blake Bell is going to shove a football up our ass, take it back out, and then run for an 8 yard touchdown, every time the goon's get within the 20 (Do you love OSU and want to help us win but don't have any money? Drive to Norman and stab Bell, that's about our only chance of stopping him).

The entire D sucked, which is disappointing because I thought against Tech they had turned a corner (now I believe the whispers that Tech was telling us their plays, no other reason for us to have played that well). The final touchdown we gave up (you know, the one in overtime that caused us to lose. Yeah, that guy), proved we are soft as baby shit. A slow fat white kid ran right up our ass three times for a touchdown. This whole "limited contact" policy in practice that Gundy uses has turned our entire team into a bunch of pussies. One last thing, everybody go watch the replay of Shaun Lewis' pick six. That is the slowest pick six ever, he moseyed his way to the endzone. I think that shows the lack of fire in this team more than anything. 

Moving Forward:

It makes no sense to get rid of Young until after the season, but then he needs to go. I know I sound like a blowU fan right now, but good God, we can at least expect to be in the top half of all college teams on defense. For this year, we lost any chance we had at a national championship, (unless Auburn wins, and I'll get to that later in the week) and right now I have serious doubts we'll win a Big 12 (the saving grace is that the goons blow worse than we do). But with our offense (and it won't be going anywhere anytime soon, our young receivers are becoming studs, Sims is waiting to be cut loose, and the legend of JW Walsh will try to beat out Chelf) all we need out of our defense is to be in the top 50. Think about that, with 49 teams better at defense than us we would be unstoppable. As it stands we have only been stopped once, and there are 108 teams better at defense than us. Pathetic, and I expect better.

I've said a few times this year that we didn't come out flat, but that we were going to work. I now believe that yes, we indeed came out flat. There have been 3 times this year where I think we played balls out. The first half against Arizona, the Baylor game, and the Tech game. When we play like that we are scary. When we come out like we did against Mizzou, Texas, Iowa State, and A&M, we are just another good but not great team. What will it take to play balls out all the time? I don't know, but I'm not paid 2 mil a year to know, Gundy is, and he better figure it out.

This will be an interesting finish to the year. If we win out, then I think we are headed toward a national championship within the next 4 years. If we lose out (which is extremely possible at this point), then I think we have reached the pinnacle of the Gundy era. I'll gladly give out dick kisses if I'm wrong and we kick ass the rest of the year, but at this point I don't see it. We've been excusing deficiencies on defense all year and they finally bit us in the ass. This is that moment that will define Gundy as a coach. Will he break an 8 year streak and take us to our first Big 12 championship, or are we all collectively just jerking off?

You think this is bad? Wait til you see what I'll have if we lose to OU. I'll meet my quota of "fuck"'s for the next 4 years in one post.

Go Pokes (or something)