Hey, guess what? I had a totally original idea. I’m going to compare the Big 12 to another conference, school by school, from the top to the bottom, and see how they stack up in hypothetical combat. To take out any home field advantage, I’m going to assume all games are at a neutral site, like, Cuba. This week I’m going with the Pac-10, minus Utah and Colorado, so grab some PBR tallboy's and a diaper (you'll be here a while) and let's kick this pig, as they say.
Oklahoma vs. Oregon
Kicking things off we have the University of Oklahoma vs. the University of Oregon. OU against OU. Kinda makes me nauseous. The Ducks return both quarterback Derron Thomas and running back LaMichael James. If Lache Seastrunk can maintain his eligibility under the NCAA microscope (which I believe is of power 1.25x, so he should be fine), the Ducks will have one hell of a running attack for their “blur” offense. Seriously, that got so old, hearing Hierbstreit going on and on about Oregon going to "hyper-speed" like he's Mr. Spock or something. For Oklahoma the ‘stache, Landry Jones returns, as does everyone's favorite gas thief, Ryan Broyles. Finding a running back to replace DeMarco Murray will be tough, but at least their new running back can sneeze without straining a quad and missing 3 to 6 weeks. (Will Murray jokes ever get old? Probably when he's clocking 8 figures in a few years and I'm a 10th year senior, but we'll see). On the defensive side, Travis Lewis anchors what should be a very good unit for the Sooners, while the Ducks counter with Michael Clay and an undersized, though freaking fast defensive line. Punting and kicking are completely in Oregon’s favor, and I don’t even know who the hell their kicker is, but I know who he’s not- Jimmy Stevens, so they have an advantage.
How will this game play out? Well, for one, this could actually happen, and it could be for the National Championship in New Orleans. (If Oregon survives LSU and Stanford, and OU gets past A&M and us) I would love to give Oklahoma the edge, but damn if they don’t suck in BCS games not involving UCONN. In the end, I believe that if he has to sell both his own and his children’s soul, Bob Stoops will get it done in the dome. I think that, after facing A&M, OSU, and Mizzou’s offenses, Oregon won’t be able to surprise Oklahoma offensively. I also believe that Oregon would have a hard time containing the Sooner’s passing attack, as they gave up over 500 yards to Auburn in last year’s BCS Championship game. Final score (and really, hurts me to say this)
Get all up on your mouse and click the jump.
Oklahoma State vs. Stanford
This entire game scenario is based on two specific events happening. One, is that Oregon beats Stanford at Stanford, and also beats LSU in the Jerrydome. Really, I don’t know if both of those can happen, but I’m going to assume they do. And of course, we are ignoring the fact that OSU and Stanford would never meet in either the Fiesta or the Rose Bowl, but that’s neither here nor there. For Stanford, the return of Andrew Luck is pretty much balanced out by the departure of Jim Harbaugh to the 49er’s. Even though the Cardinal was 14th and 21st in total offense and defense, respectively, last season, they have to replace 9 starters including their top two receivers. OSU, on the other hand, returns 16 starters including the Million Dollar Man Brandon Weeden, the nations best receiver Justin Blackmon, their entire offensive line, and one badass secondary.
There is, for 3 big reasons, only one reasonable conclusion to this game, and that’s an Oklahoma State victory. First, Andrew Luck is great, but he’s lost his two best receivers, three fifth’s of his offensive line, and his safety blanket, fullback Owen Marecic. That’s a ton to replace. Secondly, the Pokes return most of their offense, and look to have a hell of a secondary and a good defensive line. Third, Brandon Weeden may have the best arm in college football next year (opposing fan’s will make some bullshit age joke here, and that’s fine, but just remember those when he’s putting up 400 yards and 4 TD’s on your ass’), and he has two big time running backs who will be keeping the defense honest. It’s going to be hard to stop the Cowboy attack next year (sunshine pumping, rainbows, and pants tents for all). Final score;
Missouri vs. Arizona State
Making our way down the list, it’s time for some Tigers and Sun Devils to hookup, and create fugly babies. Missouri returns a massive amount of starters (9) on the offensive side, and return 15 overall. Their biggest losses are quarterback Blaine Gabbert and defensive end Aldon Smith. I’m not too worried about the loss of Gabbert, though, as they return every receiver, including First Team All-American Michael Egnew. The Sun Devils, crazy bastards that they are, return their entire fucking offense. Sorry, but that’s one hell of a feat. Steven Threet looks build on last year’s performance, which was good for 29th in total offense. On the defensive side they return 9 starters, which is still pretty amazing, but is a unit which needs to improve, as they were 59th in total defense last year.
This could be one hell of an entertaining game, as the teams seem evenly matched, seeing as how Mizzou had the 35th and 47th total offense and defense last year, compared to ASU’s 29 and 59 rankings, respectively. I think it would be a back and forth game until the 4th quarter, when Missouri, holding a 5-6 point lead, gives up a long TD bomb with not much time left and loses by a point, but is consoled by their awesome journalism school. Final score,
Texas A&M vs. Oregon State
In our 4th matchup, the Beavers of Oregon State prepare to battle the single greatest collection of talent ever assembled on a football field, the Texas A&M Aggies. Now, I talk a bit of shit on A&M, and most of it is deserved, but if they are going to have an “our year” type of year, this is it. The Ag’s return 10 starters on offense and 8 on defense. The man beast Jeff Fuller returns, as does the elusive Bubbles (Uzoma Nwachuku). On defense Tony Jerod-Eddie looks to anchor a good defensive line, but they will miss walking timeout Von Miller (seriously, only people with progressive and rare muscular disease’s cramp more than Miller. That fucker really needed to drink some more Poweraid or something, that shit was ridiculous. Somewhere an OU fan is both agreeing with me and become more enraged when they remember that shit from last year). The Beaver’s (is there a better mascot in sports? Hell no.) return 13 starters, including quarterback Ryan Katz and wide receivers Markus Wheaton and James Rodgers. They lose running back Jacquizz Rodgers, who accounted for 37% of their offense.
Unless A&M chokes, like they always do, they should win this game going away. They return more players, rank better in both total offense and defense, and have two badass wide outs that Oregon State would have trouble covering. Even though the Ag’s will do everything possible to blow this game, I’m going to pick em. Final score,
TAMU-38, Oregon State-24
Texas Tech vs. USC
This matchup intrigues me. Not because the game would be particularly interesting, but because Tommy Tubberville wanted a piece of USC in the 2004 championship game, and because Lane Kiffin is a dick. This game won’t be nearly as important, as both will probably have 4-5 losses at the end of the year. Tech returns 15 starters, but lost both quarterbacks and two thirds of their starting wide receivers. USC, who spent last year on probation, gets to spend this year on probation as well, and has lost several players to transfer or graduation. Last year was a rough year for the Tech defense, coming in at 114th in total defense, but a pretty good offensive season, reaching 15th. USC was worse on offense but much better on defense.
I learned when Tubberville was at Auburn that it’s hard to wager against the “riverboat gambler” (greatest nickname in all sports except Bubbles). I think that Tech will be better, and USC will be worse. They are losing more than they are recruiting thanks to the NCAA sanctions, and I just don’t see them improving. In what would be a big W for the Red Raiders, I’m picking them. Final Score
Texas vs. Arizona
If this matchup happens next year (and it could), Mack Brown would have a reasonable shot at beating a Stoops. Not the one he wants, but you take what you get. Both teams are coming off horribly disappointing seasons. Arizona had it rolling, then dropped their last 5 to end the season, and Texas, well, shit. Texas blew hard right from the beginning. After surviving Rice (yes, that Rice), Texas rolled off two more W’s before the wheels fell off (and they didn’t so much fall off as fucking explode into a smoldering wreck of shit and expectations) and they lost to UCLA (who went 4-8) and lost the Red River Shootout (I’m not any kind of Texas or OU fan, but it’s the shootout, not the rivalry). After beating Nebraska it seemed Texas had figured out why they sucked, but that was more Nebraska proving they sucked than Texas being good, because the Longhorns followed that up with 4 more losses, only beating Florida Atlantic the rest of the season. Of those 4, 3 broke a losing streak of 10 years or more. Ouch. Arizona basically had a back loaded schedule where of their final 4 games (before the bowl game) they had Stanford, Oregon, and their rivalry game Arizona State. Piss poor scheduling if you ask me.
Trying to figure out who would win this game is a bit like watching a Britney Spears concert. Sure, she looks hot, but has zero substance to her music. I wouldn't normally think Arizona would have a chance though, as Texas still had a good defense last year, and the Wildcats have to replace four fifths of their offensive line, half their defensive line, and their kick Alex Zendejas is damaged goods. But, having said all that, I haven’t actually seen the Wildcat’s so far this year. I have, however, seen the Texas spring game. I have heard some of my Texas friends trying to put a positive spin on that game. That’s like giving a blue ribbon to a turd. The Longhorns looked absolutely lost, Garret Gilbert has a permanent look of confusion on his face, and the second team was taking it to the first team. You never want to see that. Ever. On top of that they lost a chunk of their O-line and 5 starters on defense. They do return Emmanuel Acho, but there is only so much one man can do. Seriously, if Texas wins 7 games and makes a bowl, Mack Brown deserves National Coach of the Year. I think Texas continues the suck and manages to lose an easy one. Final Score,
Kansas State vs. UCLA
We are reaching the games that no one gives a shit about, so the analysis may start to give way to wild shit talking, but I’ll try to reign it in. It’s important to note that the Bruins and Wildcats hooked it up last season, in Manhattan, and the ‘Cat’s won. But, even though the Wildcat’s have their savior back, Bill Snyder, they will need to pray to more than one deity to turn this thing around. I have heard people say last year was the bottom of the Ron Prince Suck Express, but I think this year will be. Let’s see, they lost their QB Carson Coffman, their stud RB Daniel Thomas, most of their O-line, and kicker. They return most of their defense, a unit which was 106th in total defense last year, including next to last in rushing defense, so returning them doesn’t really mean much. UCLA had a rough season last year, and I expect that trend to continue. They were terrible on offense, terrible on defense, and only have one returning starter on the O-line. The defense looks to return 9 starters, and we can only hope they are better, cause they sucked last year.
This game would be just above pillow fight worthless, and would probably have the worst ratings of all bowl games (if either team were to make it). Fuck it, Final score,
Baylor vs. Cal
The Bear’s are trying to do something with the talent of Robert Griffin before he leaves, but I don’t see it. They lose 6 starters on defense, including almost the entire secondary. The Bears return quite a bit on offense, but if you stop Griffin you stop Baylor. Cal went 5-7 last year and was either way up or way down. They beat Colorado 52-7 and Arizona State 50-17, but then lost to Oregon State 35-7 and Stanford 48-14. They return 12 starters, and really don’t look to be any better. Final score,
Iowa State vs. Washington
Our natty light drinking, Andrew W.K. loving, fat chick bangin Cyclones had what can only be describe as a weird season last year. They managed to beat Texas, Texas Tech, lost to Nebraska by one, but were drubbed by Utah 68-27. Only thing I can figure is they ran out of coke before the Utah game. Washington had the best quarterback in the country (according to Mel Kiper, so basically they didn’t), and barely managed to make a bowl game (but in that bowl game the beat Nebraska, so yay them). I’m really running out of give a shit, so lets flip a coin. I did. Washington won. Sorry Iowa State, I'd love to drink some brew's with you, but you lose. Final score,
Kansas vs. Washington State
This game is such a pillow fight I am not even going to look up any stats. As Royal once said, Kansas deserves nothing. It doesn’t matter anyway, they spend the entire football season creaming their panties about basketball season. Rock. Choke. Jayhawk. I met quite a few WSU fans before our game with them last year, and they were cool people. So I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. And Paul Wolfe has the biggest head in all of sports (he’s not arrogant, he has a massive fucking melon on top of his shoulders). Final score,