This article would probably be better received in August or September but it's on my mind now so deal with it. There are certain things that annoy me each and every OSU football season. Some of them cannot be helped. For example, not being able to bring alcohol into the stadium. Or not being allowed to innocently jump down onto the field to take upskirt pics of the cheerleaders.
But as OSU fans, there are certain rules and traditions that must be followed. These ruleditions (stay with me here, kids) are not difficult. They take very little effort and thought. And yet every single year there are certain fans that seem to have less brain cells than your average Texas Tech cheerleader. These fans make me want to scream violent threats at them in a drunken rage (Want? Who am I kidding? I've totally done that.).
But now it would seem I have a
much larger somewhat mediocre forum to express and clarify these ruleditions so that hopefully at least one guy can say "Ooooooooh" and spread the cure to his dimwitted pledges. Yeah, I went there.
Click that cool jump button for my sweet bitchfest!
1. Appropriate dress code: Girls, as long as you've got orange on, you're excused. Wear those sexy sundresses and cowboy boots every Saturday. Guys, you are a different story. Listen to me when I say this--it's a football game, not a fashion show. Save your white button down shirt and trendy jeans with the bedazzled back pockets for the RuPaul runway. Put on a damn orange shirt and grow a set. Oh yeah, and you, the overzealous Cowboy--nobody gives a shit how country you are. Take off the ten gallon hat, denim shirt, and 15 pound belt buckle. You're the reason why the movie Brokeback Mountain was made.
2. Jingling Keys: How hard is it to get this one right? You jingle the keys for our kickoffs, NOT THE OPPOSING TEAM'S KICKOFFS. For the love of God, take a look around. Do you see anybody else looking like the overexcited baby with a shiny toy that makes noise? If the answer is "no" then immediately put them back in your pocket and swallow your shame. If the answer is "yes, my friends are" then find some new friends.
3. "O-S-U!...U-S-O!:" I cannot believe there are assholes that still do this. Does everyone know what I'm talking about? In case you don't, when the guys run out onto the field with the O-S-U flags everyone chants "O-S-U." Unfortunately, when they turn around to run off the field the flags spell U-S-O. Well some group of special ed students thought it would be funny to chant "U-S-O" for that small amount of time that the flag guys run off. While it made me chuckle the first time it happened eight seasons ago, it has now become quite possibly the most annoying and retarded act on the planet. It only exists in small groups of fans (mainly around the student section) so if you haven't heard it, count yourself lucky. BUT it never fails that there is one guy who shouts it at the top of his lungs with a gigantic grin on his face like he was the first to think of it. If you see this guy, hold him down and squeeze the grease from your delicious grillaroni into his eyes.
4. The Wave: First of all, I'd like to kill the wave altogether. It's stupid. But I realize it will never completely die so I
ask demand this instead. If you're going to start the wave or even participate in it, make sure it is the appropriate time. When isn't the appropriate time? The middle of the second fucking quarter. When is another inappropriate time? Any time the game is close. Instead of concentrating on whether or not people are just as simple minded as you are across the stadium (Look Ma, they're doin' it too! Hyuck Hyuck!), maybe you should actually pay attention to the 3rd down and 2 play late in the ballgame when we only have a 5 point lead. Save the wave for late in a blowout game.
5. National Anthem: This one should go without saying but unfortunately, not everyone has an IQ above 4. If the National Anthem is playing, stop talking, stop texting, and take off your damn hat. Show some respect. Oh, and if you are a Sooner fan--well, you know.
Ok, it's late. I'm sure I have more but those seem to be the ones sticking out at this moment. Leave me some of yours in the comment section below (Worst closing paragraph ever? Eh, probably.).