Is it Friday already? Then you know what time it is. It was suggested that I tone it down. If you didn't like last week, stop reading now, go make yourself a nice glass of warm milk, and take a nap. And when you wake up, take that stick out of your ass and have some fun with us. On tap this week we have the U showing off their musical talents, Baylor murders, and Kansas State getting a taste of indefinite probation. Lets get it on.
20. University of Miami- 5 Major Infractions
Though the U is the creative leader when it comes to getting personal fouls on the football field, they are followers when it comes to NCAA trouble. In 2003 they receiver a failure to monitor, and conducted impermissible tryouts. They were also busted a few times for paying players. The best, however, came in 2003, when they were playing "fast and loose". They were accused of $412,000 worth of extra benefits to players and recruits, failure to drug test players, and the good old paying players for on field performance. Is it any surprise that since they no longer pay players they suck at football? Not really, but they have a long way to go to climb this list. (However they totally top the list of schools who's football players made a 9 minute rap video about "gang bangin bizzatches". I thought for a while about would it be appropriate to link the video. In the end I decided it wasn't, so then I knew I had to. Fair warning though,
THIS VIDEO IS ABSOLUTELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK! SERIOUSLY, 29 F BOMBS AND THATS THE DECENT PART
Catchy tune, and really, who doesn't love a good gang bang?)
19. University of Colorado- 5 Major Infractions
Rick Neuheisel? Gary Barnett? Yes, Colorado is the Baylor of football. Neuheisel ignored NCAA recruiting guidelines and paid recruits, and was rewarded with a head coaching job at Washington (until he fucked that up and found himself out of a job for a while). Colorado, needing to improve it's image, hired Gary Barnett. Seemed like a good idea at the time, didn't it? Barnett decided that paying recruits was dumb, and that it would be much easier to entice them with drugs, sex, and booze (he'd of gotten my signature in like 2 seconds). Oh, and there was also that Katie Hnida situation, where the prick actually blamed her rape on the fact that she wasn't a very good kicker (which she wasn't). What a gentleman. All of this is on top of the other violations in Colorado history, including academic fraud and excessive reimbursement of recruits in 2002, another bout of academic fraud plus improper employment in 1980, and some unethical conduct and improper recruiting inducements (coke parties) in the 60's and 70's. It amazes me that stoners are able to concoct these plans. Maybe the bong hits and thin air are the reason they keep getting caught?
18. Baylor University- 5 Major Infractions
For a school based around a religion, Baylor fails horribly. You thought Dotson shooting his roomie was bad? Well, yes, actually that's by a huge margin the worst. A close second was in the same scandal, when Dave Bliss asked the team to do him a solid and say that Patrick Dennehey was dealing drugs, so the police wouldn't look hard into his murder, and Dotson could keep playing. Dave Bliss is a true bastard, and as a reflection of that was struck with the longest show cause penalty in NCAA history. Oh, yeah, almost forgot, he was paying tuition for two players, and lied about it. Shit. Beyond that, Baylor has been popped four other times. The tennis team was paying players in 2000. In 95 the basketball team was again in trouble, resulting in a show cause penalty for Darrell Johnson, who was also involved in a mail fraud case and shady recruiting practices. In 86 the basketball team was again found guilty of unethical conduce, as well as extra benefits. Finally in 1956 the football team provided improper transportation to recruits and players. How the hell are BeBe's kids allowed to continue a basketball program? I have faith that Scott Drew will provide the necessary steel for the NCAA to give Baylor it's own, personalized, seppuku sword. Seriously, if you're a Baptist, you should be embarrassed that Baylor supposedly represents your values. Cheating fuckers, and true assholes. When the rapture drops rest assured that every member of the Baylor athletic department will be sitting here drinking a beer, with me.
17. University of California, Los Angeles- 6 Major Infractions
Now we're starting to get somewhere. We've had murder, rape, and we're just now getting to the 6 infraction schools (unfortunately we are done with the murder, but I assure you we have more drugs and hookers left). UCLA has had to deal with being in the shadow of USC for a while (except in basketball), but that doesn't mean they can't cheat harder. UCLA started big, paying players and finding them jobs, and managed a 3 year probation and television ban for football in 1957. They followed that up in 71 with a 3 sport academic fraud charge, resulting in another year probation. A couple of violations in the 80's resulted in 2 more years of probation. And then in 1998 they decided to try for the big time with their basketball program. Coach Jim Harrick provided free meals, free transportation for recruits, improper entertainment for a club coach and recruits (sorry, no hookers, just movies), and then lied about them on his expense reports. His report stated that the took his wife to dinner, funny thing, that's not allowed by the University, so they investigated him. What a dumb ass. He was subsequently fired and UCLA placed on 3 years of probation and limited to 6 official visits a year for 2 years. This is good, but I expect better out of a 6 time offender.
16. Kansas State University- 6 Major Infractions
The Wildcat's have spent a total of 12 years on probation since 1953, with their first occurrence happening in 1955. To start off KSU dipped their toes in the water, so to speak. In 1955 they were busted for improper tryouts (an outside group known as "Wildcat Club" collected $59,500 and used that money to transport recruits to and from tryouts, and o pay coaches expenses). 1 year of probation, a good warm up. Next in
1907 1970 they began to step up to the bar, getting slapped with 2 years of television ban, postseason ban, and probation (a triple double in major infraction terms), for a ton of shit: academic fraud (had nerds take their tests), excessive official visits, improper recruiting entertainment (wine and dine, no hookers) and unethical conduct. Now we are getting rowdy, but all this was building to '78. In 1978 the football team managed to get on "indefinite probation" (which turned out to be 3 years), for issuing 20 extra scholarships over 3 years. They also faced a two year television and postseason ban from these violations (really though, that's just dumb. How did they expect not to get caught? NCAA: "Hey, KSU, why do you have 105 players on scholarship" KSU: "Shit, ya caught us"). The NCAA was so pissed, they set up a committee to instruct KSU on how to behave in a manner in accordance with the good of the Big 8 and the NCAA. Shiit. Guess they learned their lesson a bit, considering it took until 1992 to get busted again, for improper and extra benefits. Cash payments to track athletes. Again they got caught in 94, for the same shit. Does anyone care enough about track to cheat that much? Finally, in 99 they got slapped with some more probation for giving a football player money for his personal use.
Another 5 down, closing in on the top 15, and I can't wait. If we have murder, rape, gang bang's and drugs and we're not even in the top 15, well, it's gonna be good, of that I'm sure (can you use that many comma's in sentence? Well I did) Have a great 4th of July weekend and celebrate America, get drunk in a casino and start some shit.