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Texas A&M to the SEC...Again? Please Stop.

Somebody hug me, please.
Somebody hug me, please.

For those who haven't heard, rumors have begun to circulate again that A&M is heading to the SEC. BurntOrangeNation had a very well thought out article on the subject. As our readers should know by now, we don't do "well thought out" here at CRFF. We have a penis joke quota to meet.

So on the subject of A&M once again flirting with the SEC, my first question is this: Is this like the girlfriend that keeps threatening to break up with you as a cry for attention?

A&M: "I'm leaving, Big 12! Don't try to stop me! SEC is twice the man you'll ever be!"

Big 12: "Cool."

A&M: "I'm serious! Take me seriously! I'm walking out that door and I'm never coming back!"

Big 12: "Shut the door behind you, please."

A&M: "I don't think you get it. You're losing sooo much by letting me walk out this--"

Big 12: "For the love of God, are you leaving or aren't you?! I'm trying to play NCAA Football '12 over here and I can't focus with all your blabbering about "how great you are." Let me tell you something. You aren't. You talk big game before sex but when it's time to perform, you lay there like a log. You've never thanked me for helping you pay off all your debt. I have to listen to you bitch NON STOP about how big of a dick your ex, The University of Texas, is to you. Your nicknames for him are not creative. And for the record, your dog is gay."

A&M: **sobbing**

Big 12: "Save those tears for when SEC comes home at 2am after a fifth of Jack Daniels, ready to show the new girl how they do it down south."

We're just getting started. Click the jump.

First, can somebody even tell me why A&M wants to leave for the SEC? Are 6-6 records in the Big 12 not good enough? Do they have ambitions to go 3-9 every year to prove a point that they belong with "the big boys?" This is like some nerd joining a fraternity for the title even though his membership means 24 hour beatings and constant humiliation.

"Thanks for that wedgie, Alabama! I hope you laughed enough at my expense!" **pushes taped-up eye glasses back up his nose**

Second, are they really that pissed off at The University of Texas? Is this the mother of all temper tantrums? Look, if you want to step out of Texas' shadow, man up and stand your ground. Fleeing to another conference makes you look like a pussy. Flipping the bird while driving away makes you look like a coward. Having all male cheerleaders makes you look gay. Sorry, let's stay on track.

Finally, what does the move actually do for their school? Increase their academic prestige in comparison to the other SEC schools? Wow, there's something to hang your hat on.

"Congratulations to A&M for scoring the highest on the one-question quiz! Although your answer to the question "What does 2 + 2 equal?" was "5", it was still the best effort in the conference. The second best score goes to LSU who drooled on his answer sheet in the shape of the letter "L."

Will they get more exposure? Sure. But what good is that if you can't compete? Iowa State has been getting railed on regional/national TV for a decade now. Has that helped them at all?

Iowa State: "Nope. Hand me a beer."

More TV money? Probably so. But seriously, were they not getting a pretty sweet deal as it was in the Big 12? The ABC contract is up soon and with ESPN (sister to ABC) whoring themselves out to UT, I am fairly confident the entire conference will get more than its fair share as a result.

And please...please please not tell me it has anything to do with expanding recruiting. Your school is in the state of TEXAS! It is the most fruitful recruiting region in the nation. If you can't get the players you need there then you might as well move to the Big East.

TCU: "Hey!"

Besides, Will Lyles has just as much success buying players for you in Texas as he would anywhere else. It's a wash!


The point is this. If A&M wants to leave, fine. Just get it over with already. We may have cared last year but now it's just getting old and looks desperate. Just don't be surprised when you come back knocked up and with a black eye to find that all the locks have been changed.