Ah friends, it's that time. Finally, after all the golf, booze, food, and hot coeds you can stand, it's finally time for some football. When one first experiences the majesty of Boone Pickens Stadium, it can be difficult to carry on as normal, but we must try. As we enter the final two entries into the Ultimate Gameday Guide series, we will cover everything you need to know during you're game to ensure everyone has the best time possible (except that your team will lose, but that's the price you pay to party in Stillwater). Be sure to check out this handy guide OSU made, (it's not as good as mine, but who's could be?), and be sure to check out part one and part two of this guide.
Entering the Stadium:
The first bit of knowledge you need is your ticket gate number. Unlike some other stadiums, where every ticket gets you in every gate, the Boone Bowl has specific gates designed to streamline the process. As a visitor, your seats (if you purchased them through your school) are on either side of the east end zone. If you are a student, (you should be drinking, right now) and especially a freshman, it's handy to know that student seats are general admission, so for a great seat you need to be in line very early (at least an hour). Now, I know this sucks, but just bring a 6 (or 12) pack with you and consume while you wait to get in. Everyone else will have an assigned seat, so feel free to slide in 4 minutes before kickoff. While we're on the subject of the student seats, some of you visitors will end up with upgraded student tickets. If you do, don't be a prick and call the cops when some drunken student calls your child a bad name, just tell the kid that's the price you pay to see your team on the road.
If you're a richer and can afford either club seating or suites, the food offered to you will be amazing. I've had the opportunity to sit in club seating for a few games, and it is truly, the shit. The food was great (and free) and you could buy all the booze you wanted (for 4x normal price, of course). If you are like the rest of us you are stuck with a fairly normal array of concession food (with one exception, but that get's its own section). There is the standard hotdogs, nachos, pizza, and turkey legs, along with Coke products. I know what you're saying right now, I can sense it. You're saying "Well shit King, I really hate paying $5.50 for a large drink, especially one that has no booze in it". And you have a point, but the large drinks are BPS are actually large, and will easily last an entire half, even if you're eating sunflower seeds. And hey, the cups are decent enough to keep (you know you love having big ass OSU cups, especially those OU fans out there) and reuse at home (sort of like a Joes cup, big reusable cups are kind of our thing here).
What concession delight deserves it's own section? The mighty, the delicious, the Grillaroni. Do you like hotdogs? Do you like pepperoni? Do you love slightly spicy, easy to eat, bad to the bone food? Then you my friends, have found the greatest thing Stillwater has to offer, a Grillaroni. Imagine a hot dog, but one that is made of about 50% pepperoni, 30% hotdog, 10% secret spice, and 10% cholesterol. And oh, it works. Grillaroni's are so legit that I have an entire story just about them. Two years ago for the Colorado game (the one that Alex Cate tried hard to lose for us) I had a ticket but was tailgating to hard to be allowed into the stadium. So I staggered back to the TV in the back of my buddy's truck to watch the game. Sometime in the 3rd quarter I developed a hunger, and not a normal hunger, a drunk hunger. I grabbed a cigarette and tried to steady myself to make a run on the stadium. The boy's working the gate had stopped giving a shit and allowed me entry, so I staggered to the nearest concession stand. I said, attempted to say "hello good sir, do you kindly take a credit card?" But I believe it sounded like "hermaferma, cnatad aaummm tidus caradatdst?!!". Needless to say, the gentleman couldn't understand me, so I pointed at my wallet and he said, "oh, yeah we take cash, card, and bursar". Even in my "condition" my mind went "bursar? Bursar? BURSAR?!!!". So I ordered every Grillaroni they had (turned out to be 23), stuffed every pocket I had and my hat, and stumbled back to the party to be the hero who brought food (and even after sharing I still think I ate 10 of them). Two weeks later I received my bursar bill, having totally forgot how I paid for that meal, and opened it up to see a charge for $109.75 for concessions. Did that piss me off? No, because Grillaronis are that good.
Bathrooms, First Aid, and Handicap Access:
The old bathrooms (circa 2003) were a wasteland of 20 year old piss smell, big trough urinals, and were considered some to be less sanitary than any bathroom in Mexico City. Speaking of trough urinals, watch this video. The new bathrooms, are the polar opposite of that. They are both heated and cooled (there really is nothing worse than 104 degrees and 95% humidity, especially when that humidity is from drunkards piss) and actually pretty clean, at least early on in the game. There are four first aid stations around the stadium, but a paramedic is stationed at the entrance to each section, just in case watching the Pokes skull fuck your favorite team is too much to bear. There are elevators on both sides of the stadium, which are reserved for folks who need them. If you need help finding your seat there are about 900 people in yellow shirts ready to steer you straight.
In Game Info:
I'll admit, the name of the section is weak, but I'm kinda drunk so I don't really care. First, and this part is crucial, FOR FUCK SAKE STOP SAYING USO! YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE! YOU ARE THE DICKHEADS WHO ARE KILLING THE PLANET! Really, engaging in the USO chant should result in you being ejected from the stadium and have to spend two weeks in the county. That shit must stop. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry about it, you're not the problem. But (and frat boys, I'm talking directly to you here) if you are one of the ones who do it, you make yourself look like a jerkoff, and you make God cry. Now then, aside from that be prepared to witness the power of waving the wheat, the sight of Bullet, and Pistol Pete dumping rounds into the air like the 107 Hoovers on Tuesday.
The After Tailgate:
What, you didn't think we went straight to the bars did you? Hell no, first we have to finish the beer. This is a great time to party, and then make your way to the Strip in a few minutes, but mainly it is just to finish the beer. If you have small children, elderly, or you're an OU fan, now would be the time to head to the car, we let you have your fun, now it's our turn (and by our I mean every Poke fan over 21 but under 65, we gonna get our drink on and talk shit to opposing fans). If you must go out and party (and really, it's just dickhead OU fans who should leave) I recommend Joes, as it seems most visiting fans end up there. If the Strip is your thing I like to start at the Penny, enjoy a limey or two, and then head to either Willies or Murphys to finish the night up. There are exactly two home games that I didn't party afterwards, and both happened last year. After the Nebraska game I said some unkind things to a Husker fan and a loud volume, and wound up spending the night in the drunk tank. The second was Bedlam last year, but my soul was crushed, so I just went home (did piss on an OU fans car on the way to my car though, and that made me feel some better). Really I should have partied, but I forgot our motto "Win Or Lose, We Still Booze".
Well folks, that's it for this week. Next week's post will be a collection of gameday stories, favorite experiences, and just good times. If there is any story you think is worthy feel free to email it to me, and if it's up to snuff I'll include it (and maybe even credit you). As always