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Let The Trash Talk Commence

It has been brought to my attention that there has not been the normal amount of trash talk necessary for an upcoming Big 12 conference game. Especially the first one of the year. Even more especially against Texas A&M.

You see, all of this conference realignment talk has left us in a strange haze that is often only experienced by Cheech, Chong, and Matthew McConaughey.


So after some greasy Joe's cheese fries and a six pack of Keystone Light, I think we've all successfully nursed this horrible PAC 16 hangover and are ready to move forward to the only thing that should matter right now: actual football.

In another article's comment section, an A&M fan brought up something interesting. And by interesting, I mean he spoke of the 7th Circle of Delusional Hell also known as TexAgs. If you aren't familiar with this site, I suggest you make a visit...preferably after an A&M loss (perhaps this Saturday around 6pm Central).

You see, TexAgs is the Nancy Pelosi of messageboards; regular messageboards are ridicustupid as it is, but this one is just bat shit crazy.

So that got me thinking, how can I incorporate the keys to the game with A&M crazy behavior? Is it even possible to devise a list (without it being eaten) that can properly bottle the cultish insanity that is Aggie?

Let's give it a shot after the jump!

A&M Offense

A&M's offense is led by its two running backs, Cyrus Gray and Kristina Christine Michael. They power the offense which allows their wide receiver quarterback, Ryan Tannehill to work play action passes and bootleg rollouts to receivers like Jeff Fuller and Ryan Swope. In short, if the running game is effective, the passing game will be effective.

So how does OSU throw a wrench in that machine? Simple. Hire female cheerleaders for A&M.


It's pretty easy to concentrate on the offensive plays when something like this is patrolling the sidelines. There's only so much a fully grown man wearing patched up overalls whilst waving his spirit fingers can do for a football player. Bring in some some girls, though, and the offensive players won't have any idea what to do with themselves! They don't even have to be hot. Hell, they can be from OU.


Regardless, the entire offense led by Tannehill would no longer have interest in the actual game. They'd be too busy filling up the Cadets' Jizz Jar even fuller than it was before.


A&M Defense

Even though the Aggie defense has lost some of their defensive talent, they still have the ability to get to the quarterback and either sack or pressure him into mistakes. Ask Idaho. The mighty Vandals and their prolific offense was no match for that dangerous A&M front. If Idaho can't beat the Aggies, what chance does OSU have?!

Fear not, OSU fans. We have a secret weapon: Cool Water cologne.

Senior_cadet_at_a_26m_jpg_medium  +  Davidoff-cool-water_main031710_medium   =   _medium

Gay Man's Kryptonite. One brave man wearing a gas mask will sneak into the A&M locker room and spray all of the defensive jerseys with it. The A&M cadets try their hardest to hide their man-loving urges as it is (have you ever seen anything as awkward as a cadet kissing an actual female after a touchdown?). With each defensive player covered in it (the cologne--not the contents of the Jizz Jar...although that might work too...), there is no way a defensive lineman will be able to enter the three point stance without three cadets behind him trying to give a reach around.


The 12th Man

The dreaded A&M home crowd. The chants, the swaying, the creepy obsession for the Longhorns in their fight songs. It's what the atmosphere in College Station is known for. So how can Oklahoma State neutralize such a homefield advantage? I alluded to her before the jump...the infamous List Eater.


This sexy beast is well known for chomping down on anything--especially pieces of paper with important information on it. What I suggest is that OSU hires her (pay her with Supercuts and Old Navy coupons) to sneak into every Aggie fan's home and do to their tickets what she does to children's souls--devour them. But she cannot stop there (mainly because she's still hungry). She'd then waddle to the A&M ticket office and create a blob blockade for any fan trying to reprint their tickets. After a couple hours, most A&M fans will grow tired and say "Fuck it, let's go back home, get on TexAgs and talk about how we're going to win twenty SEC championships in a row." 

NOM NOM NOM! Game. Oklahoma State.