Picks From Joes Week 2

Hello friends, it's that time again. This week there are only 5 games to pick (apparently while we only need 5 days, everyone else needs two weeks to get ready for game 2), but there are actually some good ones. Four out of the five should be close games, so I should really get to drinking. Before I get to all that, I guess I should run down how I fared last week.

Well, 9 of 10 isn't bad, and I was reasonably close on most, but what did last week teach me? Missouri has no QB, Kansas State is the worst team in the league, and Iowa State is in for a long season.

This week, after learning the hard way that pitchers of Boulevard are $16, I'm drinking Coors Light and washing that down with shots of Jim Beam.Perhaps, perhaps, I'll finish it all over with a Richard Pryor (God help Jen Browns tit's if I do)

5: Northern Illinois at Kansas

They Jayhawks had a great first week, beating the crap out of an over matched McNeese State team, but they won't fare nearly as well this week. Northern Illinois is fresh off stomping the crap out of Army, a game in which they ran for 298 yards and held Army to 100 yards passing. The line of this game opened at +6.5 for Kansas (that means they are the dog), and I think that's a bit low. This is the beginning of the end for Kansas, and Turner Gill has to know it. Perhaps they would have a chance if they had Mangino stand near the KU endzone every quarter, so that way there are actually running downhill, but probably he would be distracted by a hot dog vendor and lumber over towards him (and possible eat him). Huskies win 24-10 

First pitcher down, and I had to chug that whore to try and get wasted while writing for 5 games. Time for a shot

4: Iowa at Iowa State

Our first rivalry game (I guess maybe TCU vs Baylor could be, but Baylor can go to hell) of the season, and I think Iowa State should worry. Nevermind the fact they just survived the powerhouse that is UNI, nevermind the fact that ISU QB Steele Jantz went 18-40 (though that is a sweet name), nevermind the fact that last year ISU went down 35-7, no nevermind all that shit. All you need to know is this, Iowa State will lose because the only thing that ISU players are focused on is Natty Light after the game. Well that, and trying to get a peep at Secaca Wallace's dick. Iowa wins, 28-3.

About halfway through pitcher 2, but shot 2 is down and shot 3 is ordered. It's going to be a long day

3: BYU at Texas

The Cougars make their first trip back to the state of Texas since getting stomped by TCU 31-3 last season, and Texas, well, shit I don't know. You know how damn hard it is to make a fucking joke every damn line? I'm not one of John Stewarts 27 writers. You know what? I just had my 3rd shot, screw it, fuck Texas, I hope they lose every damn game they play. Same goes for aTm (and you know what, that logo reads A-T-M. We all know what their doing to those poor sheep. Fucking them wasn't enough, you had to go and do that. Sick bastards) Where the hell was I? Anyway, much like the Rice game this will tell us exactly dick about Texas. Are they any good? Are they decent? We still won't know because BYU sucks. And, they will also be distracted, what with all the bare midriffs they will see in Austin. They only way we learn anything from this game is if Texas loses, and if they do, I will stop whatever I'm doing when I find out, and go directly to the nearest bathroom and rub one out. Texas wins, 23-10.

2: Missouri at Arizona State

What the hell is this? Missouri actually scheduled a decent non-conference opponent? Bullshit, this fucking world is ending. This doesn't make sense, they have scheduled two decent noncon opponents. There is no way in hell they schedule a 3rd next week (right now I'm looking at next week's schedule. Ole Mizzou schedule Western Kentucky. I am going to lose my mind next week on their pussy ass scheduling) Can Missouri beat Arizona State? Sure they can, if James Franklin stops sucking. If the Tigers pass for 129 yards, and if Franklin is their leading rusher (with a fat 72 yards) they will get their ass' stomped. And I don't even thing ASU is any good, but Christ, 129 yards passing? The number 2 rusher had 43 fucking yards. Cincy has been ahead of the curve hating on the Missouri rushing game, but there is plenty of room on the bandwagon. The gangbangin Sun Devils win 35-13.

Pitcher 2 all the way down, my friend just arrived and wants to do some shots. I've been here for 45 minutes.

1: Arizona at Oklahoma State

Everybody from Arizona is busy this weekend, as the Cowboys welcome the Wildcats to an ass beating. I am supremely confident in this game. Vegas has the line set low, which normally means a trap game. Fuck all that shit. Zona has lost like 4 players to injury or sickness, their best receiver didn't travel to Stillwater, they have no running game, and we are going to beat that ass like it owes us money. How bad is the 'cat rushing attack? The gained 75 yards on the ground last game. 75 FUCKING YARDS!!! That's tuuurrrible. Their defense is going to be so tired by the 3rd quarter they, well, they will do something that tired people do (Can you hear the sound of the trainwreck happening? I can). Before I embarrass myself any further (only on the internet, I'm already loud at Joes, having just invited a few Arizona fans to join us. Embarrassment will ensue) I'll pick this thing, Cowboys win 55-20 (and yeah, I know I said 35-10 earlier, but I was being a pussy)

Lastly, 2 quick things: Next week I'm going to attempt to do this live next week, so you should be able to see me on the Joes webcam Friday, and I'll try to figure out some chat thing if anyone wants a piece. Second, OSUtopia isn't a Sasha Grey fan, and he is upset I said she's our offical porn star. Well, I'm nothing if not democratic, so I will take suggestions for a poll next week to let you, the people, vote for our porn star. (Until Sam fires me for trying to make this a porn site)

Go Pokes, I'll see y'all in the gamethread tonight (yeah, I'm a bitch and can't make it. Stupid children and their sicknesses)