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Stupidly Early Top 25 And Big 12 Rankings

Football has been officially over for about 20 hours, which means my preseason Top 25 is about 16 hours late. I'm also going to pick the Big 12. Ummm, so here it is:

1: USC- Well, either this or the sanctions finally catch up with them.

2: Oregon- Will the ducks get back to the BCS title, or are they just jerking off?

3: LSU- That crazy hat wearing bastard will probably win at least 11 next year (and probably hopes to lose to bama in the "first" game this time)

4: Alabama- This may be the greatest return on investment for a "sold his soul to the devil" pact ever. Fuckers.

5: West "fuckin" Virginia- Did you see what they did to Clemson? Dana has a meeting next week in The Hague to discuss his crimes against humanity.

6: Oklahoma- Their favorite quarterback is back for another run, too bad he doesn't have anybody to throw to.

7: UGA- It's really amazing how quickly Mark Richt got on the hot seat this year (starting 0-2), then got off it (finishing 10-0) and then back on it (losing both the SEC champ game and their bowl game).

8: South Carolina- Has darth visor found his mojo in the Palmetto state? If so, God help us all.

9: Michigan State- Well one day they have to win the thing, right?

10: Florida State- Probably they'll choke on dick, but looking at what they have they should be good.

11-25 after the jump......

11: Kansas State- Old man rivers' getting ready to either mash the Big 12, or have a stroke. Both equally possible.

12: TCU- Casey Pachall is a gamer damnit, and the Frogs look to make an early statement in the Big 12.

13: Michigan- Does Denard Robinson have another year? I don't know, but they'll be decent either way (I think)

14: Oklahoma State- Will we win back to back Big 12's? Probably not, but 10 wins is within reason.

15: Nebraska- Martinez is back, don't know if it helps. I expect they'll actually lose about 5, but judging on what they return 15 seems about right.

16: Arkansas- Petrino continues to be the most over-paid coach in all of sports, and it will earn them a 3rd (or 4th, I don't care) straight 3rd or worse finish- in the SEC west.

17: Texas- OU fan's will call me a Texas lover for placing them here, but they should have the best defense in the league. Their offense, on the other hand...

18: Wisconsin- I suspect a much worse year as the Badgers break in a new quarterback, but the Big 10 blows and so they'll probably still get 10 wins.

19: North Carolina- Larry Fedora has done good things for Southern Miss, and I think he'll right the ship (though, traditionally that's a pretty busted ship) quickly for the Tar Heals.

20: Texas A&M- God it hurts to put them on this list, but they do have some talented kids. Soft as a beer shit, but talented.

21: Stanford- Will Barry Sanders Jr. make up for the loss of Andrew Luck? Hell no.

22: Clemson- The Tigers will do what the Tigers always do, start hot, win 9 in a row or so, and the collapse like Frazier vs Tyson.

23: Washington- Seem to have a decent coach in Sarkesian, and the PAC 12 is always weak so sneaking out 8 or 9 wins is possible.

24: Washington State- Arrgh, and such. But the dread pirate Leach probably already has a kid locked in a shed, and will be my surprise hit of 2012.

25: Virginia Tech- Straight up pussies, that's what they are. But the ACC sucks ass, which is why they keep winning it.

Okay, there's my top 25. Here's my Big 12, and final record.

1A: West "Fuckin'" Virginia- The prodigal son returns (watch out Cherokee Casino, time to beef up security), and he is on the warparth. He also has Geno Smith returning and a quick defense (built to stop the spread). WVU wins the Big 12 in year one. 12-0 (All of this assumes their in the Big 12 next year, if not move along to 1B)

1B: Kansas State- With WVU, will only lose one. Without, will still probably lose one, but would win the Big 12. Prepare for the legend of Collin Klien (or for defenses to figure him out and stop all that shit), as well as one of the best defenses in the league next year. 11-1

3: Oklahoma State- A favorable road schedule this year (except at Oklahoma), along with most of the defense returning, and a good portion of the offense sets us up for a decent year. I think asking to replace W2B will be a tall order, but if Chelf, Walsh, or the new guy turn out to be decent, we could make a move. 10-2

4: Oklahoma- The Sooner's will be the same as 2011, but without Ryan Broyles. We all saw how that turned out. 10-2

5: TCU- The Horned Frogs are a good team, but I think they will wear down next year with the step up to big boy football. 8-4

6: Texas- They still don't have a quarterback, but they have a stout defense. I expect they'll win one more game next year than they did this year. 9-3

7: Iowa State- I think they'll make back to back bowls, but just barely. 6-6

8: Texas Tech- Tub's swan song will be missing bowls two straight years. 4-8

9: Baylor- Life without Griffin will be rough for the Bears. Welcome back to the bottom boys. 5-7

10: Kansas- Fired one asshole fatass, hired a good guy, then fired him, then hired another asshole fatass, and overpaid his ass. 3-9.

Well there it is. And before anyone say "how the hell can you have OU ranked 6th preseason, and then finish 4th in the Big 12 dumbass", I ranked the top 25 on what they had returning, and the Big 12 on what I think will happen. Also, remember, this is both for fun, and before spring ball. And we don't know who will actually be in our league, and what the schedule will be. So enjoy, discuss, and if you're a Bama fan, go to hell.

Go Pokes