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Pick a Bracket With Your Balls, Not Your Heart

Harvard Coach thinking, but most defiantly with the wrong head.
Harvard Coach thinking, but most defiantly with the wrong head.

By now you have all turned in your brackets, so this post will be of little to no help to you this year. But Yachoff wanted to educate you on how a MAN picks his bracket, a man with testicles that are so large they have to be hung next to a Irish broads butt for proper comparison. Hey-OH!! That completes the Andrew Dice Clay portion of this article.

When you pick a bracket with your balls you should be able to complete the bracket in less than five minutes. Anything more than that time-wise, and you are definitively dragging some of your brain into the mix and this is thinking with your wrong brain. Coffee and the area between Yachoff's legs allowed Yachoff to pick the bracket in less than 30 seconds. You will know that you are doing it right as soon as your picks start winning. And, away we Go!

Round 1

Neither Heart Nor Balls Care....

Round 2 GO!!!

Boom the South! Kentucky beats W. Kentucky, duh. Conneticutt over Iowa State cause they got legacy, Wichita State beats VCU cause why not, New Mexico State gets through because some 13 seeds got to be mussing the establishment, Colorado and Baylor advance cause thats fate speaking through CBS, folks. Duke because of money, Norte Dame cause Yachoff's balls got religion.

Boom the West! Low seeds win all games in second round cause Yach's balls hate the west bracket underdog!

Boom the MidWest! Kansas beats somebody whose name we will promptly forget, ditto Georgetown, N.C. State wins because try not to think about it too hard, Michigan beats Ohio due to time constraints, Temple cause basketball is the only sport they can afford, and Alabama and North Carolina will battle because Alabama always be fronting.

Boom! The East! Syracuse over the furniture store that also fields a basketball team, Southern Miss over How'd-they-get-there? K-State, Harvard's balls will outsmart Vandy, Wisconsin beats a state no body's ever been to, Texas beats Cincinnati much to Matt Pilgrim's chagrin, FSU, Gonzaga, and Ohio State mop up double-digit seeds.

(Rest of stream of ball consciousness continues after jump...)

Round 3 -(poor) RAPPIN' ROUND!

Kentucky beats UConn by thirty, uh-uh, Baylor beats Colorado-what-better scurry, Wichita State wins in a fury, What? Duke/Coach K Win- A program this clean must be dirty! OHHH!!!11!!

Memphis winning over MSU, Louisville showing mad love too, Florida and Missouri SEC Prevuuuue, Marquette and Murray State Cinderella's? Cause of Ratings, CBS says BOO!!!!111!!!!

Kansas cause they sound, N.C. State Cause Georgetown lets you down, Michigan- cause Temple is a clown. Ask Me about N.Carolina, and i can tell you that CBS wants them to win because the bigger a fanbase is the more fans tune in to watch CBS and their NCAA tournament programing thus creating a larger revenue stream and market share for their network and advertisers, and that opinion, er... surrounds.

Gonzaga Uh Uh, Gonzaga Uh Uh, Gonzaga Uh Uh, Gonzaga (Beat Boxing to "Gonzaga" - fade out)

Round 4 $$$$ Round!!!

Kentucky continues its tight grip on both the basketball and Yachoff's balls, and Baylor surprises even itself on just how disapointed they can make themselves by advancing to Elite Eight, Memphis gets in because again, hey- why not?, and Missouri shows that their dominance of the Ozarks continues to evolve and expand into even the present day. Kansas and North Carolina get in more out of obligation than anything, and in the biggest surprise of the tournament, my balls are picking both HAAAVAAADD and Gonzaga Uh Uh, to provide the obligatory E.E. derpfest game that will take place in a few short weeks.

Round 5 ????

Kentucky provides the disappointment Baylor fans crave, Missouri wins cause because there has to be a Big 12 team in the Final Four by law, and it ain't KU this year because of reasons with UNC that Yachoff rapped about above. Gonzaga wins the bracket that CBS has heretofore come to call "The regional bracket that wouldn't die and because of not dying has caused us incalculable lost revenue from advertisers already looking to cut spending in this (semi)-weak economy".

Round 6 The Profit Round

Kentucky beats Missouri but Missouri treats it like a moral victory or something, coming in third/fourth. They do this a lot.

North Carolina beats Gonzaga and CBS breathes a collective sigh of relief.

Round 7; or, Shit Gets SHINING MOMENT

And Kentucky whispered to Yachoff's balls, "Pick me to win, for I am the team that everybody pre-tournament thinks will win". And that was good enough for Yachoff's balls.

(Follow Yachoff's picks at our CRFF tournament page.... )