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Which NFL Team Should Draft Brandon Weeden?

Colts- Seem pretty set on Andrew Luck with the jettisoning of Manning, even though we all know who won this head to head match-up.

Redskins- Skins need a QB, but will pick RGIII with second pick of draft even though, again, we all know who threw a better game in the head to head match-up.

Vikings- Vikings picked a QB in the first round last year, so picking another one would be imprudent here. None of us wants BDUB in a Vikings jersey anyway.

Browns- The Dogpound hasn't been real concerned about winning since around 1964. Look for them to draft a kicker in the first round, a kicker in the second round, give their third pick to the Bengals just for laughs, then just sort of retire to a corner of the draft room to curse an ancient photograph of Art Modell in vain, the way they fill most of their days anyway.

Buccaneers- The word on the street is that the Bucs will be looking for a CB, and that it will be Morris Claiborne of LSU. Josh Freeman, who played for Ron Prince at KSU, is a capable QB and deserves a couple more seasons with a NFL team that is like the fifth most beloved football team in the state behind the Dolphins, Gators, Hurricanes, and Seminoles. You might be able to make a case that they are liked less than the UCF Bulls as well. At least they are not the Jacksonville Jaguars, who fall somewhere between the Florida Atlantic Owls and the Orlando Fantasy of the Lingerie Football League in terms of beloved-ness.

(Jump for the other 27 NFL teams that Weeden could play for next season...)

Rams- They're gonna stick with Sam Bradford, but another OSU superstar is the front runner for the Ram's first pick: Justin Blackmon. Blackmon should improve the Rams performance next year, and as an added bonus he promises not to become indebted to known loan sharks by buying thousands of dollars worth of jewels he can't afford like another former star OSU WR we could name but won't.


Dolphins- The Dolphins are actively looking for a QB. Weeden is being mentioned as a possibility, but only below such mediocre talents as Ryan Tannehill of Texas A&M. Yet again, we know who won the head to head match-up. Weeden's age is putting him back of trash like Tannehill, who couldn't even get his team into the legit "Meneke Car Care Bowl", and had to settle for the lesser "Meneke Car Care Bowl of Texas" in December. If there is a team that should draft Weeden in the first round it is the Miami Dolphins.

Panthers- (See Jaguars)

Bills- These lovable losers could use a spark at QB as Ryan Fitzpatrick is just sort of "Meh" at the position. Some have Buffalo picking an offensive tackle to help protect Fitzy of Haavaad Yaaadd, but that would be like polishing the proverbial turd, IMO. Just sayin'.

Chiefs- The Chiefs are a very schizophrenic team indeed. Losing most of their games but beating Green Bay this year shows that if the Hunt family could just get all the ingredents together in the right strength and quantity, they might have something. But as the Hunt family is widely considered one of those ownerships who just doesn't want to increase their bottom line in order to win, Weeden's talents would probably be wasted in KC.

Seahawks- This team needs a QB almost as much as the Dolphins. Tannehill is, again inexplicably, being talked about in Seattle, but maybe this is the team that has the intelligence and vision to see past Weeden's age and draft him. However, this is also the team that hired Pete Carroll after he fled USC like a rat from a sinking ship, so vision is maybe not their strong suit.

Cardinals- After the retirement of Kurt Warner the Arizona Cardinals took a definite step backwards. Here is another team that could use a solid passing QB and team leader to step back into the helm.

Cowboys- Jerry Jones won't give up on Tony Romo, but if next season is a further continuation of the mediocrity of the last few years, it won't matter because Jones will be ran out of Dallas on a rail. Romo is a bum. Aikman he ain't. Rhymes with "homo". These are just a few of the comments that can be heard being muttered during most Dallas games, by Cowboy FANS no less. Weeden could be the new blood Dallas needs to get them past their December-January awfulness, but Jones will at best just replace Romo with whatever wash-up he can get for pennies on the dollar. Is Drew Bledsoe still available?

Eagles- Weeden can't play here because he has never beheaded or shock-whipped a puppy. Or threw a D-cell battery at Santa Claus. He just wouldn't fit in.

Jets- As you may have heard, Tim Tebow will be riding the pine behind Mark "Dirty" Sanchez at the QB position. Weeden doesn't want any part of this circus.

Raiders- The Raiders gave away their first pick to the Bengals to acquire Carson Palmer as QB, so Oakland will not be looking for a high stock QB.

Chargers- (See Jaguars, Panthers)

Bears- Da Bears are looking at Michael Floyd, a WR from Notre Dame. Jay Cutler will remain starting QB.

Titans- Titans have Hasselbeck, 3 time pro bowler. They need another QB like a sixth hole in the head.

Bengals- The Bengals already start a ginger QB in Andy Dalton, so hiring Weeden would make it seem like they were trying to prove the point that redheads can in fact play football, despite the popular stereotype.

Falcons- Matt Ryan does a good job in Atlanta, Falcons won't change him or pick a high end QB in the draft.

Lions- Maybe Weeden could get Detroit over the hump that they almost overcame last season. But who in their right mind would want to take that risk and play for the Lions? Playing for the Lions sucked, ask Barry Sanders.

Steelers- It is only a matter of time before Ben Roethlisberger dies in some sort of combination motorcycle-hang glider-undercover-prostitution-sting-gone-horribly-wrong, so drafting Weeden could be a good idea for the future of the team.

Broncos- Payton Manning is old. Brandon Weeden is also old. Together they could be like that conjoined episode of "Diagnosis Murder" where Dick van Dyke teamed with Andy Griffith's Matlock. Only this time instead of cracking that organized ruby smuggling ring, they would be scoring touchdowns. MAKE IT HAPPEN

Texans- Was actually not aware this team existed.

Saints- Being picked by the Saints this year would be the NFL equivalent of being picked by the 1987 SMU Mustangs. Just not a wise career choice.

Packers- Do you know that Aaron Rodgers is younger than Weeden? It's true. And who really gives a damn?

Ravens- (See Jaguars, Panthers, Chargers)

49'ers- Seeing Weeden hand the ball off to an emerging Kendall Hunter would be a cool blast from the past, but the niners are probably not looking to quit on Alex Smith anytime soon as he got the historically strong team to the playoff for the first time in ages.

Patriots- Brady is getting old, Weeden could play a seemless backup role if Brady was to be injured.

Giants- Superbowl champs could also use a talented backup.

Yachoff's Weeden NFL Draft Wishlist:

1. Dallas Cowboys

2. Denver Broncos

3. Miami Dolphins

Yachoff's Sorely Uneducated Draft Projection Guess for Weeden:

2nd round- Kansas City Chiefs