Another "The Big 12 As.." post? Yup. I was gonna do death metal songs, (my fav), but nobody would know them, or want to listen to a playlist of screaming Norwegians. So rap it is. (Though I may one day do a Big 12 as Britney Spears songs. She got hot again, time to fap, but first)
Oklahoma: Emenim "My Mom"
What do multi-platinum rapper Eminem and multi-championship winning OU have in common? They can't quit bitching about life. You'd think with millions of dollars and tons of trophies, that they'd be a little happier. And you'd be wrong. Slim Shady is still upset with mommy, and thousands of goon fan's were hoping Whitney Hand would die in a car fire so Landry Jones would go pro. World's most spoiled rapper*, meet the world's second most spoiled fanbase (Bama takes the top spot.
Terrible wasn't it? Click the jump for more
*I love me some Eminem anyway
TCU: Ice Cube "My Summer Vacation"
The funny thing about this one, TCU couldn't even wait til summer to deal. TCU had a little less gang bangin', mo crack slangin', and have taken a huge lead in the Fulmer Cup. Much like Cube, it's important to get you're rep established early, before you make another god damn Barbershop movie (or got 3-9 in you're first year in the Big 12).
Texas: Big Tymers "Still Fly"
What do you do when you're past your prime, everyone has figured you out, and no one respects you? Make a rap song about it, and hire Manny Diaz. Sure, you'll break up two years after the song comes out, and Diaz will bolt for Florida after Muschamp get's fired, but for now you seem like a badass. Good song too.
Oklahoma State: Mike Jones "Back Then"
Much like my fat homie, now that we're hot ho's (ESPN) all on us. Hopefully though, we end up better than Mr. Jones, who should name his new CD "Where Is Mike Jones?", because his career is on the same flight path as the Cowboy baseball team. Good jam though.
Baylor: Pitbull "Vida 23"
Really could there have been anything else? Sure, Baylor is known for murder, drug dealing, and cross dressing women's basketball players, but nothing fit's them quite like the Dr. Pepper anthem. It's also really really really fucking annoying, much like all Baylor fans. So let's all have a real good time and move on down the list.
West Virginia: Lil Wayne "Fireman"
Could there be any other song? Win, lose, rained out, doesn't fucking matter. Drunk, stoned, syrup sippin' hillbillys are gonna light your town on fire. With Holgo at the helm, couches are the least of your local fire department's worries. Did you know Red Bull is flammable? Fuck we're all doomed.
Texas Tech: Eminem "Drips"
I really didn't want to include to songs by one artist, but a song about two guys getting an STD from one girl seemed so amazingly Tech-style I couldn't avoid it. Yes friends, two rappers, one girl, 3 cases of VD. Now of course in Lubbock, you could get the clap from the water, and it's more like 10,000 guys, 1,000 girls, 50,000 cases of VD, but who's counting?
Iowa State: Vanilla Ice "Ice Ice Baby" (the metal remake he did in like 2003)
Much like the cold one, Iowa State thinks they're hot shit (mainly due to beating the Pokes last year), and are trying to reinvent themselves as a relevant team. And much like Mr. Ice, they will fail and turn to reality shows to survive. In this case they won't have a reality show, but will spend time giving hummers to keep the Big 12 together, but the philosophy is sound.
Kansas: Beastie Boys "High Plains Drifter" (mad hat tip to Yachoff for this one)
(good fucking luck finding a good youtube video of this. seriously)
This is the best one yet, a song about driving around robbing people. What the fuck has Charlie Weis been doing the past decade? Robbing fan bases of wins (except, unfortunately, it's his own). I think he's pulling check from Notre Dame still, and the Chiefs, and the Gators, and probably some other team he shafted. Good hire KU, when does basketball season start again? (By the way, basketball games are way easier when you don't go down by 18 to start the game. I know.)
Kansas State: The Sugarhill Gang "Rappers Delight"
So, I'm gonna kick some honesty here, I couldn't come up with anything for KSU. Really, Bill Snyder is hard to make fun of. Sure he's old, but what else is there? So I went with the oldest known rap song. Even I think this one sucks, but the other 9 are gold. Fuck'n Bill god damn Snyder. If only Ron Prince was still there.