Well well well, what have we here? Another Cowboy football season, another hungover King. I wrote most of this last night after a heavy night of drinking, so it's going to be.........raw. Let's begin.
First thing, I have a little life lesson for all OSU students (Tracey Moore, I'm talking to you). If you go to any liquor store in Stilly, but especially Browns Bottle Shop, you can usually find an old dude wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. This man is A FUCKING COP, HE'S WAITING FOR SOME DUMBASS TO BUY 6 MAGNUMS OF VODKA AND PAY FOR EACH ONE SEPERATLY. HE WILL THEN FOLLOW YOUR DUMEASS TO THE CAR AND BUST YOU WHEN YOU PASS THEM OUT LIKE FUCKING PEZ. FOR FUCK SAKE, LOOK OUT FOR THE 5-0 WHEN YOU'RE PURCHASING BITCHES BOOZE. Now, I feel better, but children please, look out for the cops. There's a group of about 5 of them that exist to bust you for stupid shit. I guess this makes them feel like they're serving and protecting, but they're just dicking off busting you. I know, I know, they should be out catching murderers, but they're pussies and bust poor college students instead. On to the picks (in order of start time).
Marshall at #11 West Virginia
Country roads, take me home, to the place where couches burn, West Virginia, drunks as mamma, take me home, country roads. That's all I got, WVU wins 45-10
(ed note: I apologize for that)
Tulsa at Iowa State
The Toilet Piss (fuck off all you TU fans, really) are actually favored against the Cyclone, for what that's worth. This actually sounds more like a weather event than a sporting match. Hurricanes and cyclones and Steel Jantz, oh my, but this may actually be a pretty good football game. I think the 'Clones pull this one out, and don't just cover the +1.5 spread, but win outright. I'm interested to see if Bill Blankenship can do with TU what he did with Union, but he's breaking in a new QB and is on the road, so it will be tough. ISU wins, 30-28
Follow me over the jump....
South Dakota State at Kansas
Assuming Charlie Weis doesn't fall on an KU players, I'm pretty sure the Jayhawks can win this one. Which is handy, as they may not win another all season (well, maybe Rice, maybe). I'm almost certain this will be another Weis shit job, and Kansas will fall even further from grace (if that's possible) in football. So enjoy this 'Hawk fans, could be a long season. KU wins, 24-7
Northwestern State at Texas Tech
Man, everybody is playing pussies in their first game. Tech will probably follow last seasons formula, lose a couple close games, shock somebody on the road (please Jesus, not us), but suck just enough to miss a bowl game, signaling the end of the Old Riverboat Gambler (best fucking nickname is all of sports, ever, hands down) on the plains. What does that mean for this game? Jack shit, but Tech will still win big, 52-14
Savannah State at #19 Oklahoma State
Sure, it's the worst opponent of any Big 12 team, but we had to do it, so fuck off about it. Nothing to see here folks, Pokes roll, 65-3
Missouri State at #22 Kansas State
Lots of questions need answered in this one, like: Is Bill Snyder still alive, or just a zombie? How many starters have lost limbs and we haven't heard about it? How many shitty jokes will I attempt? Who knows, but I knows KSU will roll. Wildcats win, 55-10
Wyoming at #15 Texas
It must be official, the Longhorns are back. Not that anybody will get to watch this game, as at last count only 37 people had The Longhorn Network. And thank Christ for that, if I had to watch one more Matthew McConaughey (what a fucking stupid last name, I had to copy and paste it to spell it right, and it still looks wrong) commercial I'd have to kill myself. I think UT wins, but doesn't cover the 29 point spread (with their QB's, they might not actually score 29 points. Ever). Horns up, 24-0
#4 Oklahoma at UTEP
Have I ever mentioned I'm not a fan of the Sooners? Perhaps I have. If I haven't let me remind you. I'd rather give Courtney Love a rim job after she gets nailed in the ass by Kurt Cobain's zombie than listen to another Bob Stoops presser. First let me say there is no way the Goons lose this game, but they need to be careful. They're about one lineman injury (either side) from having their season turn to complete shit. And I don't want that. I want them to lose because they suck, not because they have players get hurt. OU wins, and probably covers (I think the spread is in the 40's, but I'm not sure), 55-21
Southern Methodist at Baylor
I'm surprised Baptist and Methodist can find time to play a football game on Sunday, what with all the church and whatnot. Baylor fans, you need to hold on to last season hard, because reality is about to bitch slap you. You can't replace RG3, you're D isn't very good, and SMU isn't that bad (they're bad, but not that bad). Watch this one to be close, but Baylor still wins, 30-24
Well that's it, sorry if it sucks, but I need to go take a beer shit.