clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Picks From Joes: Scorching My Soul

AUSTIN, TX - SEPTEMBER 8: David Ash #14 of the Texas Longhorns warms up before kickoff against the University of New Mexico Lobos on September 8, 2012 at Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium in Austin, Texas. (Photo by Cooper Neill/Getty Images)
AUSTIN, TX - SEPTEMBER 8: David Ash #14 of the Texas Longhorns warms up before kickoff against the University of New Mexico Lobos on September 8, 2012 at Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium in Austin, Texas. (Photo by Cooper Neill/Getty Images)
Getty Images

God is not on our side because he hates idiots also.

Well then, time to move forward I guess. Nothing to it but to do it, and by it I mean ordering four shots to get started. So far this season I'm 15-2 (picking straight up of course), though the two hurt, a lot. One of the two, I could give two shits about Kansas. Shots are here.......................................................shots are gone. Let's get it on.

Louisiana Lafayette at Oklahoma State

We better fucking win this game. We better fucking win by 60. This is both a redemption game and a tune up for Texas. If we struggle at all I'm going to cry, then punch a hole in my wall, then cry some more because I always, always, fucking hit the god damn stud in the wall. That shit hurts. This game should suck, be over by halftime, and let me get to my couch to enjoy some of the other awesome shitty games. Pokes return to form and roll, 55-10.

#16 Texas Christian at Kansas

The Horned Frogs won't need Jesus to beat Kansas, hell they might not even need their starters. Yes, TCU is in what I would normally term a trap game, one which the game before was deceptively easy, and the one after is more important (though you can't get too hyped for Virginia). However, Kansas' only chance at winning is to, fuck I don't know, use a gun maybe? Firebomb the opponents locker room pregame? Jam a towel up Charlie Weis' ass and then drop that swamp ass bomb on Patterson? Probably doesn't matter. TCU wins 45-0

James Madison at #9 West Virginia

Remember when the Dukes beat Virginia Tech? Neither do I, but they did. Doesn't matter though, they're boned. Whats more important is I figured out how many Red Bulls Holgo drinks in a given year. The Skullet has a base salary of $1,400,000 dollars per year. Now, let's assume $500k of that goes to "snacks", another $400k to the nearest casino bar. That leaves $500k for Red Bull. Now then, your standard 8 ounce Bull goes for about 2 bones. But a mere 8 ouncer won't quench the mighty thirst of his Skullness. No, he needs the full throttle fury of the limited edition 20 ounce behemoth, and those bad boys retail for around $5 (though we all know he buys bulk, so that drops the price to around $3.50 per). Do a little math, that comes to 142,857 Red Bulls per year, or roughly 16 per hour, every hour (and you know he don't sleep, ever). What the hell were we talking about? Mountaineers win 63-9.

North Texas at #15 Kansas State

Things I know to be true: Bill Snyder is old, Mike Stoops abuses animals, manbearpig is a bitch, and Kansas State wins 55-5 (yeah, they'll drop a safety when the backups are in, or the punter or some shit).

New Mexico at Texas Tech

After 20 minutes trying to come up with a "Billy Gillespie abuse" joke, I've failed. I'm sorry, much like the Tech administration, I don't give a fuck what happens in this game so long as Tech wins (YES!, I DID IT). Tech wins a shitty one, 35-28

Sam Houston State at Baylor

God the games this week sucks. I'm certain this will be the worst PFJ I've ever written, but shit, how do you make a Sam Houston joke? Probably make up some shit at Rhett Bomar or something, but I just don't care. Baylor wins 49-7.

Western Illinois at Iowa State

This motherfucker will suck. The Leathernecks have the 55th best (or worst, depending on how you look at it), defense in FCS (D2 for the rest of us) so I'm sure Steele "Nutz" Jantz can position the Cyclone offense to score, 9, hell maybe even 12 points (thats what Cyclone fans call a barnburner). ISU wins 21-0 (all field goals).

Texas at Ole Miss

I find it humorous that the Longhorns have found an SEC opponent to play this year, and that it's not TAMU. But I get that, after 100 plus years of having sheep juice rubbed all ove me after playing the game I'd be ready to call it a day too (really, I'm not mad A&M left, they're just easy to pick on). Enough with that, this year the Horns travel to Oxford to take on the Racists Bears. It's truly a shame Col. Reb is gone, he epitomized what many an Ole Miss alum strove to achieve (at least the white ones). Yes, it's been the dream of many a Rebel to grow old, sip mint juleps on the wrap around porch and reminisce on times when certain folk had to use different toilets. You know, like 1997 in Mississippi. As far as the actual game goes, Texas could lose this one. Much like Al Gore, I'm super serial, and heres why: Ole Miss has a pretty stout run D, a pretty stout offense, and David Ash is a joke. Further, Wyoming gave UT all it could handle, and as terrible as the New Mexico pass defense is, Tejas only managed to throw for 285 yards. If the Rebs shut down the Texas run game they can win this thing (and can you imagine goon fans if they do?*). Fuck it, I've convinced myself, I'm the upset. Ole Miss takes a close one 17-14.

Go Pokes

*I've noticed something about blOU fans the past year or so. I figured after we finally beat them that they'd shut the fuck up a bit, maybe chill out some. I was so wrong, they've been twice the assholes they were before, and I just don't get it. It shouldn't surprise me, as they're all toothless meth-heads, but shit it's irritating. One day, maybe, I'll get lucky and they'll all realize how they've wasted most of their life (and all of their money) worshiping a false god and repent, but that's just asking too much.