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20 Things That Are As Satisfying As Beating a FCS Team 84-0

This is #21, 22, 23 and 24.
This is #21, 22, 23 and 24.
  • Taking candy from children. (Also as easy.)
  • Mike Gundy going home to find all his carpenters wearing officially licensed Oklahoma State apparel, and they aren't being all surly about it either. Not like that last guy.
  • Upskirt pics when they are tastefully done.
  • OU getting slapped around for three quarters by UTEP even though you put $15 on OU to win by 30 1/2 points and they didn't even come close, but you don't mind because oh, how you hate them so.
  • Beating a team one to zero, eighty-four times.
  • Not ever having to think about Missouri again. You hear that, Missouri? I DON'T MISS YOU!
  • Hearing Dana Holgoresen's wooden line reading in that cheesy Big 12 coaches commercial.
  • At long last a chance to re-live that 117 point victory against Southwestern in 1916. T'was a simple time, right before we shipped 'over there' to fight the Kaiser in WWI. Oh, how we danced the foxtrot and shouted "23 Skidoo", beating those Southwestern nincompoops so badly that they thought they were Vice-President Thomas R. Marshall. Then we went down to the Dairy Barn for a box social, then ambled on over to (Old) Central to distribute influenza leaflets. Yes, everything was jake in Stillwater, that day.
  • Texas A&M going over to SEC-land but too scared of a little hurricane juice to play. BUCK UP AGGIE YOURE IN KATRINAS HOUSE NOW
  • T. Boone Pickens taking a dip in his giant money vault, lighting cigars with the queen's birth certificate, or just sticking rare baseball cards up his nose.
  • Going to a Billy Ocean concert and just before the show is due to start the M.C. comes out and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we regret to inform you that Billy Ocean has just died backstage.", then racing home and playing your Lionel Ritchie shit on the stereo, loud.
  • Discharging a firearm towards a male in the "biggest little city in Nevada" just to witness him expire.
  • Flipping the pillow over to the cool side and underneath you discover there are 84 vanilla wafers you didn't know about and you really like vanilla wafers. True story.
  • Telling a Directv operator: "No, you haven't helped me in the slightest to be able to watch this blacked-out football game, and every second I continue to be on this telephone with you is one second I will never again be able to masturbate with. Thank you for exactly nothing, ma'am. Also, you've still got me down for "Lusty Lactating Librarians 8" at 9:15, right?"
  • Todd Monken leaving Frenchmen and sailors in the dust with his eloquent, articulate, often poetic, but never verbose cursing ability.
  • Smoking cigarettes and watching "Captain Kangaroo", smoking crack and watching "New Jack City".
  • Whiskey, most beers.
  • Crushin' Serious P.
  • Beating a high school team by 98, or a kindergarten team by 457.
  • Barry Switzer will be dead soon. It's simple biology.