Man, fuck the PAC12, you know? All I want to do is watch my Pokes and then pass out drunk Saturday, is that too much to ask? Well apparently, as the new "PAC12 Network" is playing hardball with Cox, only agreeing to make them a deal on the new network. That's outstandingly stupid. How many people in this region want that bullshit? No, all they're doing is burning any bridges they may have had here. Fucking Cali, they can't just screw up their own state, they have to extend their stupidity to God's Country (Stillwater motherfuckers). Well we actually have some good games this week, My first Joes cup has arrived (Shiner Bock), and a shot of Jim Beam to wash it down, so let's get it on (quick note: I love cheap ass 4 year Jim Beam. I've had uppity high end bourbon, like Bookers, but man I love me some Beam).
Miami at #21 Kansas State
After the Wildcat's come from behind victory in Coral Gables last year, the Hurricanes are looking for revenge. And they're gonna have to keep looking, because the Cat's got dis. Miami looked good in their win over Boston College, but (and I think BC fans would agree) BC isn't any better than UTEP, so I expect the Cats to roll (it's not like they're some school who would struggle with UTEP. I don't know of anyone in the Big 12 who would struggle with UTEP. Wait.) The only reason I haven't just picked KSU already is because there is one fact that keeps bugging me. Last year, Kansas State won 8 games by a touchdown or less (including the Miami game), and it's going to be hard to repeat that. But fuck it, I'm going with KSU (unless the 7th floor crew returns for the U) to win, 35-14.
You know where the rest are...
Iowa State at Iowa
If there was ever a candidate for a Bourbon Bowl, this has to be it. Except it'd be the Nattylite/Busch Shootout. There is nothing I can say that is better than this, or this. Go, read, enjoy, and ride the Cyclones to a W, 28-3 (Oh yeah, it's gonna be an ass whup'n)
Rice at Kansas
Man, Rice blows. But then again, Kansas really blows. Hell, this might be a good game, but I'm not sure if I actually think that or if the booze is kicking in. I'm probably going to go with Kansas, but only because I'm afraid Weis will think Rice is food and not a team, and accidentally eat their quarterback or something. KU wins, for probably the last time this year, 21-20 (if I'm wrong, I really don't care)
Texas Tech at Texas State
Is the Tech athletic department flat broke? I know herpes shots are expensive, but goddamn, you don't actually go to Texas State, that'd be like us heading to Savannah. Your going to play in front of what, 30, maybe 40 people? I know you're down, but shit, have some self respect (what am I saying? That ship sailed a long time ago). Tech wins 42-10
Grambling State at #20 TCU
Welcome to the family TCU, playing your first game as a member of the Big 12. I know you're all excited about the money and they status, but can you do me a favor? Try and get your players to avoid selling drugs to Gramblings players, and band, and fans, at least until the game is over. It's gonna be hard to explain the ESPN clips of money exchanging hands in the end zone after every play. If you can restrain yourselves that'd be great. Oh, and again, welcome to the family. Toads win 55-10
Florida A&M at #5 Oklahoma
You know, normally watching OU struggle against inferior competition gives me a chub. But, and I know, my fault here, I really needed those dick lickers to cover. Why, you may ask? Well, like a dumbass I assumed OU wouldn't suck TAMU sheep balls, and would easily cover a meager 31 point spread against a shit team like UTEP, so I placed them in my parlay. Bama covered, Iowa State covered, West Virginia covered, and then, my $600 dreams were crushed, when cocksucking Bob Stoops rolled out the worst display of football I've ever seen, that still won a game. Well fuck, let's move on I guess. This week the goon's take on Florida A&M from the MEAC conference. What's that you say? Why yes, yes that is the same conference that Savannah State plays in. What else, I can't hear you? Ah yes, you're right, all those asshole goon fans who have been giving you shit all week for playing SSU are indeed hypocritical cunt stains. But again, trying to use logic with a goon fan is a waste of time, when they all meet in Norman this Saturday it'll look like a people of Wal-mart convention. The spread on this game is 70 and 1/2 points, and they'll probably won't cover, but they'll win big, I'm guessing 70-0. Man, fuck blOU, ya know?
New Mexico at #17 Texas
As I've long suspected, but Whetsell finally proved, UT fans are giant vaginas. If David Ash was my quarterback, I'd try and forget that fact, not defend his "skills". New Mexico, coming off a fat one win season last year, has already matched that total this year. Last week the Lobo's rushed for 370 yards, so this week we'll see if the "vaunted" Longhorn D can slow that down. But enough about this game, let's talk about our game against Texas. What I'm most worried about with Ash at quarterback when we play UT is it will be hard to get interceptions against them (the ball actually needs to travel to the secondary for them to snag it). I'm sorry dear readers, I'm distracted by booze and scantily dressed coed's here at Joes to put much effort into the picks this week. Texas wins 34-14
#18 Oklahoma State at Arizona
Thanks to the goddamn PAC12 Network, this will be the first Cowboy game since 2006 I won't see. And, regardless of how good a game it is, I'm very interested in seeing how Wes Lunt will do in his first real game. Once again, we can trace the root of this evil to the motherfucking asshole Longhorn Network. If it were not for that blight on college football, the PAC probably wouldn't have started their own piece of shit network. No one east of the Rockies gives a flying fuck about Oregon State vs Utah. Hell, most assholes in Utah don't give a shit about that game. So fuck you PAC, fuck you Larry Scott, fuck you Texas, and especially fuck you Arizona. If you hadn't sucked for so long this game might have made ESPN and then I'd be able to see it. Pokes win 42-24