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Men's B-Ball Versus Iowa State Tonight: ARE YOU GOING TO THE GAME?

OSU has had a hot and cold season. An early marquee win in a tournament to NC State proved that we were a team full of talent and are a March contender. Losses to two non-cons that are also tournament-caliber teams and conference road woes prove that we have work to do. Tonight is about keeping a clean conference home record in GIA versus a stout ISU team that is putting up a sick scoring average of 78 ppg. Fill the seats Cowboy fans, or a punishment awaits....

By T. Garth Sanders
You only get one year with this dude. Make it count.
You only get one year with this dude. Make it count.
USA TODAY Sports

ARE YOU GOING TO THE GAME?

If not, and you are (a.) a student at OSU, (b.)OSU alumni living within a 30-mile radius of Stillwater, OK, or (c.) a University of Oklahoma student, fan, or alumnus or alumna living anywhere within the continental United States, the non-continental United States, Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, or the Northern Mariana Islands, or any other part of the world excluding any sovereign entities existing within international waters, this is what should happen to you:

1. You should be made to drink four glasses of Theta Pond water. The first will taste bad, like poison and dirt. The second will taste more neutral, but it will still seem like drinking Mexican water. The third is when the hallucinations will kick in. Yes, that is Jimi Hendrix jamming out with former OSU President David J. Schmidley on the steps of Edmon Low. GO TO THEM. After glass number four is when all your clothes will magically disintegrate (bonus points for being a hot lady), and you will be dancing, gyrating to the passionate, walling guitar strains of Jimi, the bluesy, atmospheric keyboard of President Schmidley, and, of course, Jim Morrison on vocals. This will not seem at all like a punishment until university police arrive to take you away. Also, there will be an intense physical withdraw later.

2. Banishment to Norman. In the case of an eligible Sooner (See above), the banishment will be to Austin, TX.

3. Clean the bathrooms at George's Stables. Self-explanatory.

4. Personally explain to Eddie Sutton why you aren't attending. The second you see his scowl, you will instinctively start running stadium steps and doing squat thrusts simultaneously, apologizing profusely.. If you are an eligible Sooner (see above), your punishment is to explain to Eddie Sutton for simply existing.

5. Forced to be general contractor that hires only migratory Sooner fans from the parking lot of the Stillwater Lowe's contracted to do carpentry work on Mike Gundy's mansion. Again, this one is self-explanatory.

GO TO THE GAME IF YOURE ABLE, BE REWARDED WITH WATCHING IOWA STATE LOSE, OR DONT GO AND END UP ON THE FLOOR OF SOME CAMPUS JAIL CELL DYING FOR ONE MORE HIT OF THETA SCUM.

YOUR CHOICE.

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