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Picks From Joes: The Way Too Drunk Edition

Last week there was exactly one comment, and it said I wasn't drunk enough. Well I'd like to make amends this week. It's 5pm and I'm 4 beers deep. I'm going to keep drinking til 9 or so and then start writing. I apologize for the typo's. Also I apologize for any inappropriate jokes I might make. It's all in fun.

Yeah, that game went so bad, the Clone mascot actually stopped smiling by the end.
Yeah, that game went so bad, the Clone mascot actually stopped smiling by the end.
Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Let's start in chronological order, if I can pull that off.

Oklahoma State at Iowa State: What the fuck is with all these early ass games? I swear to God, I'm a sad drunk, but even I can only get so wasted by 11 am. I'm probably gonna crush bloody mary's til I'm about 2 sheets, and then finish myself with Four Roses bourbon. As far as the game, listen, I'm almost over that shit from a couple years ago, but I still puke every time we play in Ames. I have flashbacks like a 'Nam vet where I see Paul Rhoads in a sea of red while dickface students taunt our players on their way out. Then the scene cuts to bama holding the trophy, and that's like opening the second seal of Armageddon. I guess we win by, 30-10 or something, six quarterbacks play, and two entire fan bases get closer to full blown cirrhosis.

Texas Tech at Oklahoma: You know what I want to see? I want that creepy pedophile of a 'Raider' to hop on that horse donkey bastard and ride that sum bitch round Owen field. Also, I saw a thing about the game and Josh Heupel, did you know he's a chubby fucker going bald? I think he's trying to mimic Stoops, he hasn't had a chin in like 4 years. And what the hell happened to Stoops eyebrows? He looks like some chick from real housewives of Atlanta. Moving to Tech, I'm pissed they have two quarterbacks and we have none. In theory, Tech should win this game, but theory usually fails me. I want to pick the goons to win by about 10 points, say 34-24, but their front three looks like shit. Not regular shit, I'm taking that green baby shit that makes you think you have cancer. What the hell am I talking about ? Tech wins 34-17.

West Virginia at Kansas State: I wonder if Dana will be shaking by kickoff. After doing some research, I've determined that there isn't a casino within 110 miles of Manhattan. Also Bill Snyder probably doesn't approve of Red Bull so it's probably not sold in the city limits. You know what Bill Snyder does approve of? Milk. You know what Dana approves of? Pussy. I want to pick the 'Cats, but good God they suck on offense. Hell they should have crushed us the other day, but Sams managed to out-suck our quaterbacks all by himself, like porn star suck. And, important point, West Virginia managed to beat us, so I'll go with that. Mountaineers win 28-10.

Baylor at Kansas: I wonder if Paul Rhoads has repressed the memory of last week? One day years from now his wife will wake up in the middle of the night and see him over in the corner naked, sweating, with a gun in his mouth, crying about the green and bearing down and trying to build up the courage to do it but he just cant find it. Oh and Baylor wins again, 65-6.

Texas at Texas Christian: Remember that time Texas beat Oklahoma? Yeah that was funny. Remember that time Boykin played a good game? Yeah me neither. Remember that time only like 27 fans showed up to the TCU game after their multimillion dollar renovation? That was pretty sweet. Remember when Texas actually put it together and played an entire season up to their potential and Mack Brown was a good coach and Vince Young was there? Remember the time right after that when Vince Young got drafted and fucked my Titans over harder than a drunk sailor fucks a Taiwanese hooker? I want to pick the Frogs, but I've seen Boykin play. Good lord I'm picking Case McCoy. Horn's win 29-11. I picked that score because it looked hard to get to.