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Picks From Joes: Tortillas and Hate Edition

Have you ever gotten so drunk your dick goes numb? Not like the usual whiskey dick syndrome, I mean you can't feel it? It's fun until you realize you just pissed your pants.

Please God, let Chelf be on this weekend.
Please God, let Chelf be on this weekend.
Brace Hemmelgarn-USA TODAY Sport

I've not nothing, let's get wrecked together. Well actually I have something, I'm adding OU at Baylor to this week, cause I'm lazy and don't want to finish early next week.

Kansas at Texas: So I was sitting here wondering what to drink tonight and that got me thinking about Mack Brown. I wonder what he drinks. I was thinking he seemed like a vodka man, mainly cause he seems like a pussy. But then I thought vodka burns, so he probably drinks some Smirnoff Ice or some shit like that. So then I started thinking about who would win a drinking contest between Brown and Charlie Weis. I wanted to go with Weis cause of the fat stores, but then I figured he probably has some liver disease or diabetes or something, so Mack would probably take it. Then I realized that watching a drinking game between these two coaches is more entertaining than this game. Horns win 35-10.

Iowa State at Kansas State: I'm going to list the necessary steps for the Clones to win this game. In order: throw their offensive coordinator out of the pressbox, let the entire team kick both qb's in their balls (we should also do this), and leave the defense on the field the whole game. There are two quarterbacks in the league worse than Iowa States, and the Wildcats start one of them. Really, don't play offense at all, just wait for Sams to defeat himself. And then just line the D up and have them run every play. You'll win by 14 easy. But they won't, so Kansas State wins 35-20.

West Virginia at Texas Christian: Remember that time we could have had Louisville, Clemson, and Florida State and instead we took TCU and West Virginia? I'm not saying it was a bad decision, I'm just saying it was a fucking stupid decision. I guess I should actually talk about a game today, I'll try to talk about this one. How many people remember Heather Harmon? If you don't get to a safe place and google some of her vids (then send me an email and thank me), and you'll realize that as good as she is a sucking dick, Trevor Boykin is better. Of course that's counterbalanced by a Mountaineer team that managed to put together one decent game, and it was against us. There are a lot of good Big 12 games coming up, but this isn't one of them. West Virginia wins 18-17.

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech: I saw a good photo going around on the twittersphere earlier today, It was made by some Tech fans, was pretty humorous. Showed their guns up that they claim we stole form them, had a witty caption. I'd like to remind them there is one thing we didn't steal from them, and that's winning the Big 12. Oh and a BCS game. And you can come to Stillwater and not leave with AIDS. Now that we've all made fun of those tortilla flinging dicks, let's talk about the game. I think we have a great chance of winning this game, but it's gonna be on Big Desmond Roland's shoulders. If we can establish a decent run game (not great, I'm talking 130-160 yards,) we should have a chance to open up the passing game. TCU has the best D we've faced all year, and even then with no ground game we had receivers open all day. If we get any run game going we should be able to get our receivers open enough for even me to hit them. Our defense is stout (at least as good as the Goon's,) and I think we can keep them under 30. Of course I'm drunk and we'll probably shit the bed and Yurcich will call exclusively deep curl routes and we'll be out of position on D and give up 50 and combine for 153 yards total offense and lose by 43. Either way I'm calling for an upset of the tortilla throwing, no condom wearing, HIV spreading Red Raiders (and from that description sound like a good group to party with) Pokes win 35-31. Oh and don't forget, Lubbock does have a real STD problem. So for Christ sake, don't bang any locals while you're down there.

Oklahoma at Baylor: I honestly didn't know that the Baylor end zone was covered in tarps, I thought it was a cool sign. But when I found out I realized why I hate Baylor so much, they're just so damned pathetic. That bear paw thing they do, and saying sic em. Do Bears sic? When you bear down aren't you taking a shit? Isn't green the color of poop? I guess I'd rather be shit colored than crimson, that's like period blood red, and with the cream the get a tampon look going. Of course I'm torn, do I want Baylor to win, and probably win the Big 12, or do I want the Goons to get one, and then Texas probably wins the damn thing? I don't know who I want to win, but I do know who I think will win. I'm going with OU (you hear that scream? it's the 4 OU fans that read my shit screaming I cursed them) and I'll tell you why. It's really hard to beat Bob Stoops when he see's you coming. Don't believe me? We've had probably 4 of the greatest teams in Cowboy history over the past few years, and we only got one W, after two years in Stillwater. Remember when Mizzou was ready to take the Big 12 in 2007 and they were ranked number one and then lost by like 20 in the championship game? I do. Ask Mack Brown how easy it is to beat OU with a good team, it took teams that went to the NC game for him to beat them when he had their full attention. So I'm picking the Sooners, 37-28.

Go Pokes