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Picks From Joes

My liver, much like Mack Browns time at Texas, probably won't last the weekend.

Richard Rowe-USA TODAY Sports

So sure, I took two weeks off, but what have we really missed? Well more of that this weekend, but that's neither here nor there. So what do we have on tap for this weekend? The worst five game slate I've ever seen. Whoever made this year's schedule should quit. And whoever didn't fire that person should themselves be fired. That made sense in my head. Let's get bombed and dive into this.

A new feature starting this week (and maybe ending this week, given my propensity to disappear for extended lengths of time) is my Drink Of The Week. Sometimes it'll be beer, sometimes mixed drinks, sometimes pot (cause you know, that's how us Cowboys get down. You know what, people are worried about the negative effects the SI bullshit will have on recruiting, but seriously, what teenage male doesn't want to go to a school known for pot and sex and money?)

So anyway this week I'm drinking Foster's Oil Cans (honestly didn't know Joes sold those til tonight) while I watch Clemson whip so NC State ass and talk shit on our conference mates.

Louisiana Tech at Kansas- So I've been thinking, I almost forgot that Turner Gill was one time the head coach at Kansas. It's like a reverse Oreo, with Gill being the creamy black filling between the two fattest white boys in sports. Didn't Weis have lap-band or some shit like that? I don't think it works if you still find a way to puree chili dogs. And honestly, pondering how Kansas coaches are so God damn fat is exponentially more fun than watching Kansas football. LaLa Tech wins over the decided schematic advantage, 24-14.

West Virginia at Maryland- The only thing interesting about this matchup is wondering if Maryland will wear those fucking hideous sweet ass uni's. That's it, not even Fosters can make me give a fuck about this game. WVU wins 10-9.

Louisiana Monroe at Baylor- It's been 17 minutes real time between my writing that the Mountaineers will win a shitty ass game and my writing of this sentence. That's how bad this weeks games are. I have no ammunition, and I despise Baylor. I know, you'd think Baylor would be hard to hate, but RG3 was always a punk ass about playing us, and the fucker never once beat us. Karma's a slut pig though, but let's get back to Baylor. I guess they'll win by about 50, soooo let's use that. Bears win 60-10.

Texas State at Texas Tech- Not even going to waste our time on this bitch, Red Raiders win 45-7.

Kansas State at Texas- So here's what I need the Big 12 to do for all of us, I need some teams to lay down this year and let Texas win. I know, even if you didn't field a team Texas might fuck it up, their just that bad. But if we all beat the shit out of them this year, we'll lose Mack Brown forever, and friends, that's a bad thing. Just imagine if Texas, with all their assets, actually get's their act together? We'd all be fucked, and people may actually get the LHN. So for Christ sake, if ever there was a time for the fight'n Snyders to take a dive, this is it. And I know it's asking way too much, but seriously OU, just keep it close. Don't lose, but get up by like 10 and then sub in the scrubs. That way you'll win by just enough. But none of that will happen, 'Kats win 34-21.

Go Pokes you crazy diamond