[the sound of a Skype call]
[we see a resigned look on Squinky's face]
Squinky: Hi Mom.
Squinky's Mom: Hi Eugene.
SM: I refuse to call you that stupid name. Why can't you be proud of your given name?
S: Nobody historically famous ever went by the name 'Eugene.'
SM: Eugene Levy.
S: He's an actor, Mom.
SM: Actors are famous.
S: Historically famous, Mom. HISTORICALLY.
SM: Actors ARE famous.
S: Whatever. So what's going on? I presume you weren't calling me to tell me Eugene Levy is famous.
SM: What did you do to your hair?
S: THAT'S IT, I'M TURNING OFF THE VIDEO. I wish you would call me on the phone.
SM: Oh calm down. I can't ask how you're doing? You never call.
S: I CALL YOU TWICE A WEEK!!!
SM: Your sisters call almost every day.
S: That's because they have nothing else to do and all day to do it. They should try working.
SM: They don't have to. They married nice young men who provide everything they need.
S: [under his breath] They obviously don't provide someone to talk to...
SM: Excuse me?
S: Nothing. So what's up?
SM: I had a nice lunch with Cooper's mother. She was very sweet. She brought me a newspaper clipping detailing your latest job. She was very impressed.
S: And what did you think?
SM: You know how I feel about your work. I don't like what you do to those poor young kids.
S: Poor young kids??? I'm helping them build character, Mom. Who else is doing that?
SM: Oh sure, now you want to talk about building character. That wasn't the case in 2011.
S: Give me a break Mom. I was under a lot of pressure that year.
SM: What about that wonderful young coach they have? I like how he tucks in his pullovers.
S: Gundy? All he cares about is making enough money to put him in his favorite hair gel for life.
SM: I like his hair too.
S: Now you're being gross, Mom.
SM: I can like who I want. Martha likes that guy who coaches the school with the strange bovine creature for a mascot.
S: Coop's mom likes whoever Cooper is working with. She was in love with Snyder when Coop was still with Kansas State.
SM: She says Cooper is doing really well with his new client.
S: Cooper is a bum, Mom. Never had to work a day in his life. Snyder showed up in Manhattan and suddenly he had ulcers. His Dad pulled some strings and got him in at Texas. What a gig. Doesn't have to do a thing. Whole thing down there is a shit show. Will be interesting to see what happens after this season. Coaching changes and money can wreak havoc with the best laid plans. Just look at T. Boone Pickens.
SM: You know I don't like it when you use that language.
S: Sorry, but gotta call a spade a spade. Complete circus.
SM: Is he still single?
S: Who, Cooper?
SM: No, that Pickens fella. I hear he's rich.
S: Stop Mom. Just stop.
SM: Well, you know I don't like that language.
S: Sometimes just no other way to describe it, Mom. Anyway, I heard that Coop was already looking to bail out, what with all the coaching rumors going on down there. We were at our weekly poker game and somebody mentioned Saban going to Texas. Pretty sure Coop soiled himself. His Dad was sniffing around USC for him, but they already ditched that coach. Not even Coop would go into a situation like that with no coach in place.
Did you read about what happened this past weekend? Pretty solid work if I say so myself.
SM: Do you have to tell me about it?
S: You were never ashamed of Dad's work.
SM: There was a pureness about it back then. It wasn't about the money, it was about the moment. That play with Franco Harris will always be so special. You know, I saw the QB who threw that pass naked in a movie. He's...
S: NO NO NO NO NO....WAY too much info Mom. Look, Dad was all about the pros, but I'm a college guy. That drop by Parker in '88 will live forever in my book. Besides, today's world is all about the pageviews. You gotta get creative if you want to survive now in this business. What I pulled off last Saturday was some of my best work, no excuses, straight up good stuff.
SM: I will say I thought getting the QB to check to the fade on that 2nd and goal play was pretty clever.
S: That wasn't me, Ma.
SM: Oh...sorry, was just such a shocker that I figured it had to be you.
S: Nope that was a bonus. Offensive line was pretty helpful too.
SM: So it sounds like you didn't have to do all that much.
S: Seriously? Who do you think talked that punter into two shanks and the freshman kicker into doinking a chip shot off the upright? And how about getting that OC to keep calling running plays, even on 3rd and long? Did you see those DB's standing around staring at some of those deep passes like they were wishing upon a star? I have to say, I like working opposite that Holgorsen fella. He was good for an assist back in '09.
SM: He's kinda rough on the equipment.
S: Drink that much Red Bull and I imagine you might break a few things in the right moment.
SM: Well then, I guess you actually did a good job.
S: Thanks for the ringing endorsement, Mom. Anyway, work isn't finished. Like they always have, they will step back into the ring for more. Probably should start working on another plan right now. The rest of the conference is so bad they might actually get back in the driver's seat by the end of the season, so I better be ready. These guys are awful resilient, and I learned my lesson back on 2011. After Iowa State, I thought that was it, thought they would fold up the tent. By the time I got wind that they were getting it back together it was too late, impossible for me to get it right that quick, and my last minute plan ended up hitting their rival. They end up winning a championship. That Weeden guy was a wildcard. That WON'T happen again.
SM: But wait, didn't they win that big bowl game with some luck? I mean, that freshman kicker for the team with the tree mascot, that looked like someone had a hand in that.
S: I don't do bowl games, never have. I'm a purest in that respect. If the team survives enough of my work to make it to a bowl game, then they deserve it. Besides, it helps keep them motivated. Rumor had it that Coop's Dad came out of retirement to test the waters at Stanford as a possible spot for Coop, but when he realized how much work it would be he knew his son would never survive it. Those folks are arrogant, smart, AND crazy. Bad combination.
SM: What about this weekend? Wouldn't you want to have something ready for their next game?
S: Remember Mom, it's about keeping them just on the edge. You have to be careful because one wrong move could break them. Will wait and see where they are at the end of October. Plenty of opportunities for a good plan late in the season. I've got a pretty good rhythm with OSU. Always have. Kinda like soulmates.
SM: I don't think they would call you a soulmate. I imagine they might call you ...
S: OK, OK...thought you didn't like that language.
SM: Sorry, Eugene, but sometimes there's just no other way to describe it.
S: Touche, Mom.
SM: So, are you seeing anybody?
S: Goodbye Mom. Luv you.
SM: Bye Eugene. Luv you too. Don't forget to call.