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Picks From Joes

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Oh God, it's been four years. Can I still be just as drunk, mean spirited, and lazy after all this time? No, I'm worse.

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome welcome welcome everyone, to another season of Picks From Joes! For those veterans skip to the next paragraph, for the newbie's, read on. What we have going on is this; I pick games, ranking them from worst to best, based solely on how I'm feeling at that particular moment. I usually start drinking either just before, or as I start writing this. As a result, simple things like grammar, and using spell check, disappear by the end. I don't ever edit or even proof read these, so the results are somewhere between spectacular and a dumpster fire. This thing started with me going to Joes after class on Thursdays, getting wrecked, and talking trash on that weekends games. I don't make it to Joes anymore, but I can still kick back a beer. Let's kick this pig:

Central Arkansas at Texas Tech: Quick, name the mascot of Central Arkansas. I'm still waiting. I'm not going to tell you, you'll have to Google it up. I'm pretty against the whole Power 5 crap that is taking over college sports here recently (remember when I told you that the Longhorn Network would destroy college football? Call me Mr. Cleo. Call me now) but one thing I'm totally for, only playing other teams from the Power 5. Games like this allow teams like Tech to have 9 win seasons, and games like these expose nice players and coaches from small schools to diseases that medical science hasn't yet discovered. Tech wins 45-19.

Samford at Texas Christian: Remember everything I said two lines ago? Ignore all of it, the Horney Frogs are only a couple years removed from being a MAC team, and they're struggling. They need the confidence boost that is only available from stomping on puppies. And smoking crack, but they already do that. Frogs roll 54-10.

North Dakota State at Iowa State: So there is a pretty good chance that Iowa State will crap their pants and lose this thing. No, I'm actually expecting that to happen, so they'll win. I feel like Pokes and Clones are Twinkies, and we used to have such good times. But then a few years ago they up and slept with our woman and now I hope they lose every game in every sport they play and also have their school burn down. But other than that we're cool. Oh and Mangino is back, so everyone prepare new fat jokes. Iowa State wins 21-20.

Louisiana Tech at Oklahoma: This turd is on pay per view. I didn't know DirecTV accepted food stamps. Oklahoma win 60-14.

Stephen F Austin at Kansas State: This should be way earlier on the page, but much like the fact Bill Snyder is alive, I forgot about it. Cat's win 38-9.

North Texas at Texas: Mean Green travel to Austin (which, having made that drive several times the past few months, is the equivalent of a soul enema) to take on Charlie Murphy and the Longhorns. I, I just can't. I'm sitting here trying to think of something to say but I just can't. I'm so sick of the entire state of Texas that I just don't care about anything going on down there. I visited the Alamo this summer, and the only thing I felt was sadness for all those folks died to help create Texas. There were so many better things to die for. I'm not even going to pick this game, I'm in protest against Texas.

Southern Methodist at Baylor: Two teams from Texas playing in Waco. A combined 15 major NCAA violations. One murder. Baptists and Methodists. Welcome to Texas.

West Virginia vs Alabama (Hotlanta): Hillbillies vs rednecks, burning couches vs killing trees, meth vs Skoal, Coke vs Mountain Dew, Chick-Fil-A vs meth. These are the battles taking place when the Mountaineers and the Tide play this weekend. Has anybody here ever seen the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia? That piece of "art" tells you all you need to know about West Virginia. And to fully understand Alabama just pick up a copy of Jailbirds. Welcome to the south. Bama wins 48-14.

Florida State vs Oklahoma State (Dallas): I'm pretty pissed about being in this game. And it has nothing to do with the outcome, I'm pretty cool with the fact we'll most likely lose Saturday. I've accepted it. Losing isn't what bothers me, what bothers me is this mother is in Dallas, I have to go back to Texas to watch the damn thing. I'm flying home tomorrow from Texas, just to drive back to Texas. If Papadeauxs at Hobby is closed I'm gonna break a tray table.

Go Pokes