Is it that time of the week already? I was just thinking to myself how good it felt to not have a hangover, and then realized it was time to get those creative juices flowing. And of course I'm referring to PBR tallboys. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for you, I got drunk and forgot to write, so instead of drunk King you get hungover King, and he's in no mood for any shit today:
Baylor at Buffalo: [Friday] Is it legal for Baptist to travel this far north? I really thought there was some law preventing their travel above the Mason-Dixon line? Buffalo, fresh off a win over Duquesne and a loss to Army (really do I need to tell you anything else about this game? How the hell do you even say Duquesne? Duckense? Apparently according to the internet it's Dew-Kaynes,) is really playing for one thing; money. It damn sure isn't pride, or they'd have told Baylor to go sit on a cross. Baylor wins 65-10.
West Virginia at Maryland: A chance for the couch burners to show they're better than last year, and yet another chance for Maryland to show off uniforms that look to be designed by a group of homeless crack fiends. I say the 'neers pull the upset and win, 31-30.
Kansas at Duke: When I saw this matchup I got really excited for a second, then realized it was a football game. I believe that was also the reaction of every Kansas fan. Duke wins 38-10.
Arkansas at Texas Tech: Will there ever be a greater collection of rednecks, hillbillies, trailer trash, or shitkickers at one game? Yup, and it happens later that night in Norman. Razorbacks win, 31-27.
Iowa State at Iowa: Is this game farmageddon? Or was that last week? What is this one called? If I had to name it I'd go with something like, oh, "The Adventureland Drinking Contest". If you don't get that, just go to a game in Ames one day, and listen. That's like their Jerusalem or something. Hawks win 28-12.
Minnesota at Texas Christian: The frogs are 16 point favorites over the gophers. Read that last sentence and try to make sense of the world we live in. Horney Toads win 42-20
Texas-San Antonio at Oklahoma State: daxx. Daxx. DAXX. DAXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But seriously, we may have a quarterback with a Weeden-lite arm for the first time since Wes Lunt bruised his vagina and quit the team. I think after the turd of a game we played last week this team will show up ready to roll, and roll they should. UTSA may be better than Kansas, but that doesn't say very much. Also, UTSA has been playing football for exactly four seasons, so if we can't find the will to beat them there is zero hope for this team. Personally I think we roll, winning 45-10. That may be different than what I predicted earlier in the week, but I drink so don't expect me to be consistent.
Tennessee at Oklahoma: Baby food orange and period blood red clash in a game that would be really meaningful, if it were 1990 or something. The Vols have been atrocious for going on a decade, while the Sooners just keep Sooning. I'm going with my kid to see TNMT at the drive-in (I believe the last one on earth) that night, so I won't actually see the game, but I'm sure the dick in the car beside me will have it on the radio. Goons win 42-14.
UCLA at Texas: Regardless of how many jokes I make, I will never be as funny as what I saw take the field against BYU last week. Bruins up horns down, 51-19.
Auburn at Kansas State [Thursday]: There is absolutely no way I get this article done next week before this game, so I'll just do it now. First, I'm a huge Auburn fan, I used to have the AU in my name. Second, I watched the cats try to lose to Iowa State last week. Keep both of those in mind and you'll understand why I have the Tigers winning 49-14.