An in Depth Look at Why J.W. Walsh Didn't Win the Heisman (Satire)

December 12th, 2015. I scroll through the channels looking for something interesting other than the usual "Keeping Up With Kardashians" rerun when I saw "Heisman 2015 Ceremony" next to ESPN. Then I saw it was going to be an hour and a half long, and I wondered if they were going to spend 85 minutes discussing who would win the Heisman each year over the next ten years because the actual ceremony lasts five minutes at best. They did not, but that might have been more interesting. So I sat and struggled to watch the whole thing with one thing on my mind: Where is J.W. Walsh?

An easy answer would be SEC bias, as I find myself using this excuse to validate anything that goes wrong in my life such as a failed test. The professor was a Mississippi State graduate too but that is besides the point. Sure, they gave the Heisman to another dude from Alabama with biceps bigger than my thigh who ran a lot. Surprise surprise. But here are some stats to back this up.

Derrick Henry: 339 rushing attempts, 1986 yards, 10 receptions for 97 yards, 23 touchdowns.

J.W. (the general, the walshing machine, JUST WIN) Walsh: 48/71 completions for 663 yards, 67 rushing attempts for 285 yards, 24 total touchdowns.

Here's a little math I created and have submitted to statistical people who do this stuff for a living. It is called "Points per attempts at doing things" or PPAADT.

Derrick Henry has a PPAADT of 0.395

J.W. Walsh has a PPAADT of 1.043

ONE POINT ZERO FOUR THREE.

You're telling me every time this guy attempts to do something to add onto the stat book, he scores a point (statistically)? This is over DOUBLE what Henry did. Stats. Statistical Statistics.  And if you are one of those people who say "you just made up that system, it does not count," I would say to you, Einstein made up things that counted so why can't I?

J.W. just reinvented the word "efficient." He did. And if you give me some time I'll put a picture of him pointing up to the crowd after a touchdown on the Wikipedia page for "efficient." But here's another reason he did not win the Heisman. It's called intangibles. The Heisman committee has no way to measure them.

The kid has every single one of them possible. He has so many nicknames he has two driver's licenses just to fit them all. The size of his heart? So big that doctors having been lining up  begging that he would donate it to science. Dashing looks? He's got them. Community service? Is water wet? The guy's DNA is not made up of "ATCG," but rather "#StillwaterStrong."

I was thinking through all this and it finally made sense, J.W. is Batman. He's the Heisman winner we deserve, but not the one we need right now. The world isn't ready to change the "Heisman pose" to "J.W. pointing to the sky." Maybe that day will never come. Maybe it will.

J.W. "The General" Walsh for Heisman 2016 (pending a medical redshirt).