I've been trying to make sense of what has happened to my beloved spread offense. For three years we were conductors on the touchdown express, but since then it's all gone to hell. I eat my Wheaties, I take my vitamins, I say my prayers, and according to Hulk Hogan that's all you gotta do to succeed in life. Well and steroids of course. But I'll be damned if Gundy is going to make Hulk Hogan a liar. So I began pondering how our offense got so bad so fast, and then it hit me; a deal with the Devil gone wrong.
After weeks of deep thought and beers, I believe I have come up with the most likely scenario to explain why our offense sucks. It goes like this:
Gundy called to the devil, and said:
"Devil, I want to sell my soul to win football games"
And the devil listened, but he knew he was overcrowded with Alabama fans and Urban Meyer's souls, so he had to think quickly:
"Mike, I don't want your soul, in fact I'm not even sure you have one, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you. Try Buddah, I heard he's bored"
But Gundy, ever the sly one, wasn't to be deterred:
"If you don't want my soul, how about Boone Pickens money"
And the devil stopped, realizing that with all that money he wouldn't need souls, or hell, he could buy a new place and start over, just like Walter White did.
"How much of his money," the devil replied.
"Half," said Gundy
The devil had to compose him self quickly, because he was pretty sure he just took a crap inside his red pants. What to do, with no soul to trade he couldn't use his powers, and all his demons were off torturing Texas fans. And then it hit him:
"I'll do it, I'll be your offensive coordinator, how hard could it be?"
And with that the deal was done. All that was left was to invent Shippensberg State, fake up a year or two of stats, wait until every good coordinator was hired, copy the Monken offense, and then make a fake ID. Nothing the devil hasn't done 30 times a week since ID's were invented. Sadly, there was one thing the devil didn't count on, that Gundy, devoid of any soul, couldn't be controlled, and was determinded to run the ball into the worst part of his line repeatedly to keep the defense honest. Or that he would throw the same sideways pass to start every football game for eternity.
So the devil tried to get out, and ran the offense into the ground, but there is only one thing stronger than Lucifers pact, one force in the universe that can't be broken;
A Mike Holder contract.