Big 12 Football Programs as Mexican Restaurants

We have reached peak #offseason with this one, folks. As OSU baseball winds down in the postseason, and we grow nearer to the purgatorial period of offseason, we try to look outside the box (bun) for things to write about. It was brought to our attention that Ashton Lampkin, the 5th year Cornerback, prefers Qdoba over Chipotle:

Even though that opinion is totally wrong, it gave us an idea. What mexican restaurant is most like your school's football program? Through scientific research and personal opinion, I have carefully crafted the list you see below. Keep in mind that everything you see below is 100 percent correct.

Let's start from the bottom of the conference, according to last year's standings:

10. Kansas Jayhawks - Green Burrito

As of 2008, there were over 300 Green Burrito locations in the United States, and every one of them is in an airport next to a Carl's Jr. Nobody seeks out a Green Burrito. It's what you eat when you have a three-hour layover in Birmingham because the Newport News convenience store is closed.

You'll watch KU football because they're playing Baylor, or Oklahoma State, and you want to know how many points they'll give up this week. You watch KU football out of pity, or spite, but not because you like KU.

9. Iowa State Cyclones - Taco Tico

Taco Tico is headquartered in Wichita, KS., and while there are only 36 stores nationwide, I'm pretty sure they are all within a 15-mile radius in Wichita. I lived there for seven years, and there's not a city that's more Iowa State than Wichita. Taco Tico is in a different galaxy than every other fast-mexican chain, and the galaxy Taco Tico is in, is the wrong one. A lot of people in Wichita like Taco Tico, but it's only because that's all they have ever known.

Iowa State is in a different galaxy than the rest of the Big 12. Their style of play doesn't fit with the stereotypical mold of the Big 12. Iowa State's brand of football is roughly 15 years behind the curve in the Big 12, but the hire of Matt Campbell should help.

It will help just like it helped when Taco Tico painted their restaurants teal and orange and slapped an awning on the building in a rebranding effort.

8. Kansas State Wildcats - Taco Cabana

Taco Cabana is kind of a wild card. There used to be one right around the corner from my house in Edmond, but it wasn't any good. Not many people are proud to be fans of Taco Cabana, but those that are fans are loyal and ruthless.

Taco Cabana was always the butt of the joke, dwelling in the cellar of Mexican fast-food lore. After Bill Snyder leaves, Kansas State will truly reclaim their spot as the Taco Cabana of the Big 12.

7. Texas Longhorns - Freebirds

I may get some flack for this one. Freebirds is not good. It looks good on the outside, and is clean on the inside. The ingredients are fresh, but something is missing in the burrito. That's what is happening at Texas. Like Freebirds, Texas has the facilities. Texas has the 5-star recruits. They have an up-and-coming coach, but something is missing, and I can't quite put my finger on it.

6. Texas Tech Red Raiders - Taco Bell

Texas Tech is the flashy, loud football program that provides no substance beyond being flashy and loud. New uniforms and a good offense can only go so far. Taco Bell is always unveiling some new quesaritalupanachorito, and Texas Tech is always unveiling some new helmet or jersey that barely masks the suck of their defense. This would be okay, if it were actually any good. Taco Bell isn't good, and neither is Texas Tech, regardless of how many helmets or uniform combinations they have.

It's still Taco Bell.

5. West Virginia Mountaineers - Moe's Southwest Grill

Like Green Burrito, nobody seeks out Moe's. However, Moe's at least puts together a semblance of a burrito. They have a cult following that has grown especially loyal with the emergence of better restaurants like Qdoba and Chipotle. Moe's is a welcome addition to the burrito kingdom, much like West Virginia has been to the Big 12.

Moe's isn't great at anything, but they are solid all around. They're also very in your face, what with the neon yellow vans and such. Speaking of yellow, those helmets have got to go.

West Virginia really wants you to know how good they are, but rarely do they top larger competition.

4. Baylor Bears - Chipotle

Everybody was high on Chipotle. Kids wanted to go there. Parents wanted to take their kids there. Chorizo was a smashing hit in test markets. And then... E.coli.

In the back of your mind, you think, "Man, I could really go for a chicken burrito," but then you remember the E.Coli.

Chipotle was the cool thing to eat. It was fresh, shiny, and delicious. But because of the e-coli, it's no longer to be trusted. At least not for a little while.

3. TCU Horned Frogs - Qdoba

Qdoba is solid. TCU is solid. This last season proved that the Horned Frogs are here to stay. Like Qdoba, it's always there. It may not be your first choice (for the bold, it could be), but it's always solid. The addition of gourmet tacos have added some flare to the menu for Qdoba, and TCU's digi-camo uniforms have done the same for their football program.

2. Oklahoma State Cowboys - Ted's Cafe Escondido

If you've never been to Ted's, then first, you have no idea what you're missing. Second, yeah, go to Ted's. Right when you sit down, they bring you fresh queso, really fresh salsa, and homemade tortillas. You could go there and just eat that for your meal.

The quality of the free appetizer's matches the recruiting philosophy of Oklahoma State: Bang for the buck. OSU doesn't break their backs for the 5-star divas, but rather, makes their bread and butter with the 3-star recruits.

If you ranked tortillas, salsa, and queso on a list of the best Mexican foods, they would probably rank in the middle of the pack. It's not going to wow you, but the quality at Ted's is second to none, and that's what makes me keep going back.

Take that metaphor and apply it to Oklahoma State's recruiting philosophy. It's not going to wow you, but it gets the job done.

1. Oklahoma Sooners - On The Border

On The Border is the original Tex-Mex restaurant. That doesn't mean it's anything great. Sure, their margaritas are good, and their enchiladas are fine, but beyond that, it's just okay. Just because it's always been there, doesn't mean it has to stay.

OU could leave the Big 12, and that would be just fine (maybe because I'm tired of losing to them). They could also leave the Big 12 because they're not that great and I don't care for them.

The honor of bearing the title, "Program most like On The Border," is nothing to bat an eye at.

Congratulations, cheaters.

Any problems with this list? Let me know in the comments below. Also, chime in with your thoughts on what restaurant your school is most like.