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Ranking the 2017 Football Schedule by Fierceness of Mascots

A very serious article...

NCAA Football - Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl - Tulsa vs Utah - December 23, 2006 Photo by L. Scott Wambsganss/Getty Images

Reddit is a collection of the smartest people on the internet, and their college football sub came up with an idea that I HAD to participate in.

1.) Golden Hurricane (Tulsa) A golden storm of mass destruction. No one can beat that. “I’m just rolling through; plowing your buildings, uprooting your homes, destroying communities... All while looking fly as hell.” - Golden Hurricane

2.) Cyclones (Iowa State) Just a normal colored tornado, but still deadly. What’s up with the cardinal mascot though? You guys have a daggum cyclone as your team name and a bird as your mascot...?

3.) Jaguars (South Alabama) This is where the rankings get tough. To decide between Jaguars and Panthers, I decided to do a little of research on the world wide web. And by research, I mean YouTube videos. After stumbling upon this jaguar video, South Alabama got my vote: (Caution: If you don’t like the sight of animals snagging other animals by their faces, don’t watch this)

Also, jaguars can swim like fish?!?! Check your swimming pools this summer, folks!

4.) Panthers (Pitt) Panthers fall behind jaguars only because I couldn’t find a video of a panther carrying around a crocodile by it’s face. (My DM’s are open to any video proof.)

5.) Horned Frogs (TCU) If these little dudes were a little bit bigger, they would be number one. Check this out:

Squirting blood from his eyes directly at predators is the horned frog's most unique defense mechanism. The blood shoots out of ducts in the corners of his eyes and can travel up to three feet. Horned frogs achieve this feat by stopping the blood flow leaving their head, which increases blood pressure and causes the sinus walls to break, allowing blood to shoot out. Not only does the shooting blood confuse and stun predators, it contains a chemical that's toxic to coyotes, dogs and wolves. The blood also has a foul taste, causing the predator to lose his appetite for the horned frog.


I feel like I could hold my own in a fight, but if something started shooting blood out of their eyes like Cyclops from the X-Men, I’m out.

6.) Red Raider (Texas Tech) Raiders are usually gross, mean, drunk and ugly. (There is a Texas Tech joke in here somewhere, I know it.) A raider is not someone I would like to run into in a dark alley.

7.) Bears (Baylor) I know what you’re thinking. How can a ferocious bear be this far down this list? Well, how many times a year do you think bears are actually pissed off enough to be considered ferocious? Without any internet research (Bear Wikipedia is too long), I’m assuming bears spend about 65 percent of the year hibernating, 15 percent of the year walking around looking for easily obtainable food, 19 percent of the year eating that food, 1 percent of the year eating boyscouts and 100 percent of the year just chilling out and being a bear.

8.) Wildcats (KSU) What makes a cat a “wildcat”? My aunt has a cat named Grover Cleveland, and that little dude is a jerk. Grover ends up eighth on my list.

9.) Longhorns (Texas) Longhorn cattle just really want to be left alone to stand in the sun and eat grass. If you impede longhorns from standing in the sun and eating grass, they will become aggressive, so just let ‘em be and they won't pose any threat.

10.) Mountaineers (WVU) From what I’ve seen in the movies, it seems like mountaineers just like running through the woods in a crouched position with a rifle in one hand and a big smile on their face. Not all that scary.

11.) Sooners (OU) Sooners are cheaters. Not scary. Just jerks that don't play by the rules.

12.) Jayhawks (KU) Issa bird.