College football crushes soccer in countless ways:
- You get to tailgate.
- You don’t have to buy a new home shirt every year.
- You almost never have to visit France.
- The ball doesn’t look like you’re kicking a Dalmatian.
But give those hooligans their due: they get it right with player ratings. So grab a Guiness and your vuvuzelas, let’s look at the individual performances from Oklahoma State’s game against Kansas. Only instead of some other equally-arbitrary rating system, we’re going to rate characters from the excellent, and possibly soon-to-be-revived NBC sitcom The Office.
(a tip of the hat to the excellent SB Nation blog Cartilage Free Captain for the format)
FIVE STARS: CREED BRATTON
“Nobody told me we were having hot dogs!” – Creed Bratton
Creed was the ultimate wildcard. Played by a former musician who is also named Creed Bratton, Bratton (the character) served as the Quality Assurance Director for Dunder Mifflin Scranton, or – as he called it – “Quabbity Assuance”. Quite simply, dude was a survivor. He grew mung beans. He may have grown pot. He never grew tiresome. In fact, no matter how much Creed was utilized, he always left us wanting more.
Justice Hill: With 31 carries for 189 yards and a touchdown, Hill was absolutely unstoppable. He displayed not just the speed to elude defenders, but the power to bowl them over. Justice put the team on his back Saturday.
Jordan Brailford: Eight tackles, five of which were for loss. Three sacks. Way more pressures. Brailford was an absolute monster. He’s right up there with Justice Hill.
FOUR STARS: KAREN FILIPPELLI & MICHAEL SCOTT
“Turns out it’s a pretty easy gig when your boss isn’t an idiot and your boyfriend’s not in love with somebody else.” – Karen Fillippelli
Steve Carrell’s impressive performance as Michael Scott earned him six Emmy nominations and a Golden Globe award. Equal parts optimism and idiocy, Michael Scott is an all-time great tv character. I don’t have to tell you about Michael.
Karen Filippelli, however, remains the most criminally underrated character in the history of The Office. Let’s go over the highlights from her all-too-brief curriculum vitae:
- She got out of Stamford.
- She and Andy were the only two to survive the merger.
- She was great at pranks.
- She stood up to Jim after a brutal breakup.
- She interviewed for VP of Northeastern Sales.
- After being jilted by Jim (more on him later), she became regional manager of the Utica Branch.
- She married a dermatologist, doctors who often make the highest grades in medical school (i.e., the Anti-Jim)
Karen is proof that there is life after a breakup. Karen is a boss and just narrowly misses out on joining Creed in the highest echelon of The Office characters.
Taylor Cornelius: Like Karen, Corndog showed tremendous resiliency. After a particularly rough night against Texas Tech, all eyes were on the Oklahoma State quarterback going into the game against the surprisingly scrappy Jayhawks. The Cowboys’ signal caller responded, completing 15 of his 20 attempts for 312 yards, four touchdowns, and just one interception. Cornelius distributed the ball among six pass-catchers and appeared to be a leader on and off the field, Filippelli would be proud.
Justin Phillips: With the injury to Calvin Bundage, Jim Knowles’ defense needed someone to step up, and that someone was Justin Phillips. Phillips registered 12 total tackles, notched a sack, and recovered a fumble. He was everywhere at once.
THREE STARS: JIM HALPERT/PAM BEASLEY
The smugness. The underachieving. The totally-inappropriate workplace PDA (you were right, Toby). Jim and Pam were nauseating at their worst.
But they had their good moments too. Jim’s pranks were fun when they weren’t mean-spirited. Post-Roy Single Pam was independent and assertive. On the whole, Jim and Pam were okay. I guess.
A.J. Green, Jr. : Green had a big interception in the endzone against Texas Tech, but there were no highlight-reel plays against Kansas. He had a good-not-great game, with three tackles and adequate pass defending.
TWO STARS: PHYLLIS VANCE
“Close your mouth, sweetie, you look like a trout”- Phyllis Vance
Although she delivered one of the best lines in the series, dunking over a bewildered Pam Beasley, there isn’t much about Phyllis Vance to write home about, other than her “unique” perfume made her easily the last character from The Office that you’d want to sit next to at work.
Thabo Mwaniki: Mwaniki registered only one tackle on the night and had a costly defensive holding call that kept Kansas on the field and eventually resulted in a touchdown. He also had a hard time corralling the speedy Pooka Williams, Jr. Mwaniki wasn’t terrible by any means, but he wasn’t up to his standards.
ONE STAR: THE CAMERAMAN
No Oklahoma State players were as bad as the Cameraman. I’m not even going to pull a quote for him, because that character never should have existed.
Agree with our rankings? Right on, Kevin. Disagree? Drop a line to HR below.