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Player Ratings to the Tune of Television Theme Songs

More player ratings, this time to the tune of T.V. theme songs.

HBO

Woof. What a depressing game. Watching another backup quarterback turn Jim Knowles’ defense to Swiss cheese was awful for Cowboy fans. So let’s talk about something a little better: television. Or specifically, TV theme songs. The right combination of familiar, dulcet tones can get us feeling comfortably numb even on the saddest days.

So turn your sound on, and let these reviews wash over you like so many Brock Purdy passes.

Five Stars:

True Detective Season 1

From the dusty mesa

Her looming shadow grows

Hidden in the branches of the poison creosote

She twines her spines up slowly

Towards the boiling sun

And when I touched her skin

My fingers ran with blood

Oh my god. Has there ever been a theme song so arresting? There are several reasons why this song tops the list, but let me give you just a few:

  1. Joseph Hentry “T Bone” Burnett is one of the greatest and most decorated songwriters in American history (shout out Fort Worth, Texas). Look at his Wikipedia page to see how many amazing soundtracks he’s contributed to or how many artists he essentially launched. Undoubtedly the heaviest hitter of all theme song daddies on this list.
  2. This song knows how to set a mood. Whether you’re having an SNL-style Lazy Sunday or a full-on anxiety attack at the prospect of facing another terrible week, this song hits you all intense and weird like a Rust Cohle monologue and you’re hooked.
  3. This song arguably made more sense than the entire series.
  4. This is one of only two songs on the list that works as a standalone song without sounding crazy. I believe it would chart on the radio today

Taylor Cornelius: Ol’Corndog may be even more mysterious and controversial than the Yellow King. All eyes were on him to get his talented receivers involved and convert key third downs. Oklahoma State finished the game 7 of 15 on third down conversions and Cornelius threw for four touchdowns, some of which were spectacular. This loss is not on him.

Four and ½ Stars:

Golden Girls

Never has there been a better homage to friendship in song form. While four of the theme songs on this list (Golden Girls, Cheers, The Wonder Years, and F*R*I*E*N*D*S) address the lasting bonds of brotherly and sisterly love, only one of them tells it like it is:

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

Well, you would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend

Thank you for being a friend

Thank you for being a friend

Thank you for being a friend

Friendship is about showing up to my parties and buying me great gifts. Don’t make it complicated.

Landon Wolf: Mr. Carpe Diem keeps making the most of his opportunities. Wolf reeled in six catches for 63 yards and a touchdown and even added one six yard carry for good measure. If Mike & Mike can find ways to give Lando more opportunities, he can find ways to take the Cowboy offense to Cloud City (sorry, so sorry).

*Bonus: The best of DA GOAT, Sophia Petrillo*

Four Stars:

Cheers

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.

Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,

and they’re always glad you came.

You wanna be where you can see,

our troubles are all the same

You wanna be where everybody knows

Your name.

Those Boston alcoholics sure did get one thing right: making your way in the world today really does take everything you’ve got. Although I could care less if people learn my name. I’d rather you spend more time learning how to not spend your entire Monday morning commute driving with the blinker on.

Chuba Hubbard: Chuba had another sneaky, underrated game. Chubby Hubby had four kick returns for 102 yards and made the most of his two carries, rushing for 22 yards. I’m mostly just putting him here because sometimes Mike Yurcich forgets he’s on the team. More Chuba, please.

Three and ½ Stars:

The Office

Fun fact: did you know that John Krasinski filmed the opening credits of The Office? It’s true: Here’s proof.

Simple, uplifting, and devoid of lyr.ics, the theme song to The Office is timeless. Arguably the best ring tone on the list.

Justice Hill: Yes, his yards per carry average wasn’t great. But the Big XII’s leading rusher still found his way into the endzone despite facing a loaded box from one of the nation’s stoutest defenses. Even when his stat line looks pedestrian, Justice is the key to the offense and opens up the field for Cornelius and his receivers. Now, for the millionth time, can we please get him involved in the passing game?

Three Stars:

The Wonder Years

What would you do if I sang out tune?

Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

I will try not to sing out of key, yeah

Oh, baby I get by with a little help from my friends

By with a little help from my friends.

All I need is my buddies

By with a little help from my friends

I said I’m gonna get by with a little

By with a little help from my friends

Whoa oh oh oh oh

Already a hit Beatles song before being re-worked by Joe Cocker, the choice to use ”With a Little Help From My Friends” as a theme song for one of the best nostalgia shows of all time was a brilliant one. It’s only lower on the list because it doesn’t seem to resonate as much in popular culture these days. Kevin and Winnie forever doe.

Justin Phillips: He wasn’t perfect, but Phillips was a leader on Saturday. Phillips tied for the team lead with five tackles, and was solid in coverage while also stopping the run. Phillips has NFL potential.

Two Stars:

Billions

(it’s just wahwahwahwahwahwahwah)

Simple and inoffensive, the theme “song” to Billions really isn’t a theme song at all. It’s about getting down to business. It isn’t good or bad, it just kind of is.

Thabo Mwaniki: Is it too early to call Mwaniki the weak spot of Jim Knowles’ defense?

The freshman from Denton Guyer High School has the physical tools and boasts an impressive resume before college, but so far the stage has been too big for him. Mwaniki had no solo tackles and notched only one assisted tackles. He frequently allowed Iowa State’s receivers to get behind him and the consequences were severe. This is another game for Thabo to forget.

One Star:

F*R*I*E*N*D*S

I understand that this show resonates with a lot of people, but the theme song sounds like a million cats in a garbage disposal. Plus, putting six stars in a television show’s name is a bald-faced attempt to influence these ratings and I won’t stand for that.

No Oklahoma State players were as bad as the F*R*I*E*N*D*S theme.