Well y’all... What a world we live in—there will be beer in BPS starting this fall. In honor of this glorious declaration, the staff got to thinking about which alcohol encapsulates each team in God’s conference. Pull up a chair, I’m gonna speak on it.
Iowa State: Natty Light
This was the easiest. The good people over at Wide Right and Natty Light made this one popular for fans who aren’t of a certain age, but let’s reminisce for a moment. That lovely photo is former ISU Basketball coach Larry Eustachy enjoying a refreshing Natty Lite on the Missouri campus just hours after a season-crushing loss to the Tigers. He was suspended after the picture above was released to the public.
Besides Matt Campbell and a six-year winning streak, I can’t really think of anything that defines Iowa State except corn. And maybe that’s in Natty Lite. Nobody really knows what makes up this beverage. However, if there’s one beer that can go a decade-plus without being ranked, then surge into popularity when the young people are around, it’s Natural Light.
Ah, the Bears. Somewhere in between Liberty and Notre Dame. We know you’d like us to think you’re wholesome. But nobody drinks O’Douls unless something is seriously amiss in their life. I see your retaliatory signs off I-35 that say “Leadership, Morality, Character,” but all the O’Douls and Fixer Upper in the world can’t clean off your town. Keep at it though.
Bud heavy—The King of Beers. Clydesdales are cool, and so is Bevo. However, neither Texas Football nor Budweiser has tasted good in at least ten years. You don’t really know why you’re drinking it. Something about the logo, maybe. Great commercials, subpar product. Add a lime and make it lighter though, and they might be BACK!
One sip of this overdone cinnamon whisky and DFW’s most obnoxious crowd just got even louder. Fireball makes your mouth feel...well like it’s on fire (hence the name.) Not dissimilar to the burning pile of rubble playing defense in Norman.
About that sooner defense; much like Fireball, they can leave you with nights you don’t want to remember, and never fail to leave you sick to your stomach. All the cinnamon in the world can’t take away the ashy aftertaste that we here at CRFF have informally dubbed, “the Mike Stoops defense.”
TCU: Michelob Ultra
A couple decades on this earth and I still don’t know what a Michelob is or why it’s ultra. I do know that their commercials involve people swimming, running, grunting, and wearing chinos. Much like TCU, this beer is mostly for image. Think of your friend that does cross-fit, and you are picturing a Horned Frog. But God Bless ‘Em, they all have pristine instagram accounts. On which, they can be found sporting the occasional Mich Ultra.
Kansas State: Miller Lite
How are you possibly still around? Why do you spell it that way? Why does your heavier friend insist we call it the Champagne of Beers? That’s like saying they’re the basketball team of football teams. It’s nonsensical.
Regardless; Miller Lite somehow sticks around no matter what. I really don’t know how they do it. Every year, a coach who is literally older than play-do eeks out eight wins. And every year, Miller Lite keeps on keeping on. Here’s a champagne glass full of gas-station beer to you, K-State.
Kansas: Shiner Holiday Cheer
Doesn’t come out until football season is almost over. Next.
Texas Tech: Vodka
If vodka had a school, it’d be in Lubbock. These people know how to party. And nothing says “we actually did the gun thing with our fingers first” quite like “two shots of vodka.” If you haven’t been blessed to go to Lubbock and experience this absurdity firsthand, just remember that this student body was so collectively drunk they were ordered to stop throwing tortillas on the field.
West Virginia: That 190-Proof Mountain Shine
I guarantee you that when this Davy Crockett lookalike was arrested last year, it had to do with something Uncle Cletus was making in the bathtub: that sweet Appalachian syrup. I’m not scared of many places in CFB, but one place I don’t want to be is Morgantown, West Virginia after a Mountaineers loss.
Wild, wacky, and with serious potential to give you blindness if something goes wrong, West Virginia and that “water” in the mason jar both have a tendency to make weird things happen. You’ll be caught singing Take Me Home, Country Roads when both are around.
Oklahoma State: Everything Rhymes With Orange
Much like a first time football fan isn’t just going to pick up OSU, a first time beer drinker isn’t going to pick up this IPA. These are beers for someone that knows what they like. OSU tends to be a team for loyal supporters that are in it for the long haul. It’s familar to many Oklahomans, but might not be familiar to outsiders.
Also, you tend to not like the sour taste it leaves in your mouth sometimes. But you get used to it after awhile. It helps that it bleeds orange like us.