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HAPPY BELATED FESTIVUS and Predictions for 2019

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I have grievances. I’m going to air them. Blame Phillip.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl - Missouri v Oklahoma State Photo by Jonathan Bachman/Getty Images

Since Oklahoma State decided to play a football game AFTER the usual date for Festivus on December 23rd, I decided to wait until that was completed to honor the holiday’s most treasured tradition.

The Airing of Grievances.

Before I get on to my predictions for 2019…and boy have I got some doozies…I need to spell out all the ways OSU football has disappointed me in 2018.

Before all of you maniacs starting @-ing me on Twitter, understand this is Phillip Slavin’s fault. He told me I should do something along these lines, that I would be good at it, which I now understand was his way of telling me I remind him of Frank Constanza AND THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. Anyway, I am embracing this perception of me for this one moment for the good of humanity.

1. Fly Sweeps

If you don’t already know this, you haven’t been paying attention to anything on Twitter or the CRFF podcast or the Tape Doesn’t Lie podcast. I think Gundy belongs to a religious cult that forbids pitching to the fly sweep guy. He probably went to confession for each one this season, and the penance must be brutal because I think I have more fingers on one hand than times OSU did this. Maybe it’s punishment for the fly sweep guy. That’s a lot of extra distance he has to run for no purpose. As mentioned on Twitter, any defense that is fooled by the fly sweep motion should fire it’s DC immediately.

2. Backup QBs

The only backup QB we saw this season was Keondre Wudtee. Oh, wait, we saw Dru Brown for about 15 seconds during the bowl game until the end of the quarter saved Gundy, because I’m sure they would have let him run wild and air it out for a TD so that the fan base could melt down. I think Gundy purposely engineered a mediocre season so that he wouldn’t have the chance to play either Brown or Sanders.

3. Found a new way to lose to OU

OSU has never, to my knowledge, lost to the Sooners by failing to convert a two point conversion near the end of the game. Thanks for adding that to my library Mike.

4. Chuba Hubbard is Tyreek Hill reincarnated

I’m speaking strictly of the on the field exploits here. The fastest guy on the team is constantly running behind the tackles. Go figure. He’ll end up being an NFL fantasy delight while OSU fans will be wondering, “Where was that when he was here?”

5. Fart Noises

Come up with a better way to handle the heat you 5 million a year, 125k annual raise prima donna. Give a million back and let the program pay Monken all the money to run this offense which has PLENTY of talent to win the Big 12.

Alright, time to let that go before I spiral down to the eighth ring of Dante’s Inferno.

Buckle up, because these predictions are

1. Mike Gundy will hire a new offensive coordinator that has no idea what Legos are...

2. On April Fool’s Day we’ll find out Yurcich actually recruited Colonel Sanders (the “Reba McEntire” version) at QB, as Spencer Sanders knew he was going to tOSU all along.

3. Gundy doesn’t allow any new QBs to play during the spring game because “Players who used to be freshman get hurt.”

4. OSU will go 6-6, beat an overrated SEC team in a bowl game, and we will all have hope for 2020.

5. Someone will show Gundy an actual picture of a rat’s ass and he will say “Oh, that’s not what I meant.”

6. Mike Boynton will sign a 5* recruit and turn to Gundy and say...

(and yes, that is a shout out to the Dirt Babies of Wilham South 13)

That’s all I’ve got folks. I automatically recharge on my birthday. (March 12, mark it down)