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PICKS FROM JOE’S: Why can’t this be like futbol?

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Somebody needs to figure out a way for two teams playing each other to BOTH have bad outcomes.

Syndication: Austin American-Statesman Ricardo B. Brazziell/American-Statesman via Imagn Content Services, LLC

This, from Jacob Ingalls, says it all about college football...

Just imagine if this were more like the Premier League, with points and relegation! We could root for a tie in the Red River “Showdown” so both teams would “drop” points. Kansas football would end up likely relegated to Division III, never to return.

Alas, this is the stuff of pipe dreams, so we must all, every last one of us OU and Texas hating fans, do psychological gymnastics trying to figure out which loss would most satiate our loathing for this week.

For OSU fans and Lizard People, we also must decide if it serves our teams better if their opponent is coming off a loss or a win.

I was initially very excited that ONLY three games were on tap for the Big 12 this week, but then I thought “Hey, why be lazy?”

Let’s introduce the new kids to this disgusting playground, represented by this GIF metaphor for Oklahoma State thinking this year “We have a good chance to win Bedlam.”

Oklahoma State, Kansas State, Kansas, and Iowa State all have the weekend off, which means I gain a lot of time not having to write words about the Jayhawks. I’ll have a little blurb on OSU just for shits and giggles.

Yes, I used “blurb” in a sentence.

ON TO THE AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONTESTS!!! (All times are Eastern)

Houston at Tulane (Thursday 7:30pm on ESPN)
Houston -6.0
O/U 59.5

Just when the Cowboys were beginning to think that beating Tulsa = good win, the Cougars shat all over that notion, but have indicated they will be an excellent non-sensical addition to the conference by losing to Texas Tech to open the season, meaning we don't really know who they are, just like the rest of the Big 12.

The line feels a bit odd, but I would definitely go for the over. BTW Cougs...you are essentially a replacement for Texas without the shitty network, so you will need to jack up the asshat fan schtick and deny your mediocrity to make up for it.

Temple at #5 Cincy (Friday 7pm on ESPN)
Cincy -29.0
O/U 54

First off, you will forever be Cincy on here as the full name of your little town is too damn long and has a horrible combination of letters. I have nightmares about screwing up the n's and t's, so that's the way it is going to be.

Nice overrated win last weekend. I'll go with a letdown special...Temple covers and I'm going with the over. FYI...Kinda disappointed you didn't carry Rudy off the field.

Red River Showdown (12pm on ABC)
OU -3.5
O/U 63.5

I feel like we really know nothing yet about either of these teams which opens the door to soooo much. The #6 Sooners will be channeling their inner "WE LOVE EARLY START TIMES" energy and queueing up their "WE WANT CALEB" chant. Texas (#21) is back, except for getting pancaked by Arkansas who was then pancaked by Georgia. I would avoid the line, but lean towards the over. My heart tells me OSU will be better off if the Longhorns welcome them to Austin with a head the size of Jupiter (it's already that size, just need a win to make sure it stays that way), so I guess I'm rooting for OU to lose.

.See how I avoided saying it?

West Virginia at Baylor (12pm on FS1)
Baylor -3.0
O/U 44.5

This is the game of the week if you want to take a nap. Thank heavens it is opposite OU/Texas, cuz if this was the opening Saturday offering for the Big 12 I would probably rather go hang out with my in-laws.

Baylor and OSU didn't remotely scare the O/U last Saturday, so I'm absolutely taking the under here. I would LOVE to say the Neers are going to pull the upset, but they suck. The Bears get back on track and cover, although I will be rooting for their hearts to be broken in the most brutal way possible
.

Boise State at #10 BYU (3:30pm on ABC)
BYU -5.5
O/U 56.5

BYU is channeling OSU energy right now, sitting at 5-0 with two "ranked" wins, nothing attention-grabbing, with all but one game at home. Boise State is down this season, so I would expect the Cougars to cover at LaVell Edwards Stadium and I'll go with the under.

FYI...your new conference game with Houston will now be known as the "Cougar Cup," and the loser has to change their logo to a kitten until you play each other again.

East Carolina at UCF (6pm on ESPN+)
UCF -10
O/U 67.5

The "Bounce House?" Seriously? This must be why you got invited. Let's play all our games at the "Bounce House." Sounds like a hoot. Also, if I'm not willing to spell out Cincy's full name you are definitely being relegated to acronymity (yes, we make up words here too because we are a full-service free blog).

After starting with a couple of decent wins, you have stumbled horribly in two consecutive losses. I'm a bit surprised you are favored by 10, so I'm leaning towards Carolina Directional school to cover (and maybe win outright) and I think the over is a safe bet.

TCU at Texas Tech (7pm on ESPN)
TCU -1.5
O/U 61

The ONLY way I can justify the Lizard People being favored is that they lost by a lot fewer points to Texas than the Lubbock Bell Ringers. Texas Tech has an offense, TCU has a questionable defense, so I'm jumping on the "Yosemite Sam MIGHT have a decent mediocre football team" bandwagon and betting the over.

BONUS MATERIAL....

#12 Oklahoma State (5-0, Bye)
Pretender or Contender?

The problem for OSU is 100% related to offensive production and, minus injuries, boils down to two things:

1. Do we get Good Sanders or Bad Sanders?
2. Is Kasey Dunn using more than two pages of the playbook this week?

Dunn's biggest issue is that "Bad Sanders" is not game-specific, meaning it could manifest itself at any given moment, so I think they are a little hesitant to "release the hounds," so to speak. Given that the offense is so inconsistent, I'm voting confidently that OSU is a dangerous pretender because of the defense. Offensive performance will keep games close, and defensive performance will keep games close.

Great...

Stock up on whatever you use to medicate your Oklahoma State football anxiety, cuz this is gonna be a rough October/November regardless.

GO POKES!!!